Leaps of Faith

My to do list is overwhelming me.  This weekend, while working on the do-to list and spending a large amount of time in home improvement stores - not upgrading my home, but keeping it operational - my chest squeezed so tight that it was difficult to breathe, as the zeros on the estimates kept climbing.

I came home feeling glum and overwhelmed.

But...

I'm trying to focus on one thing at a time.  One large project (replacing basement carpet) will simply have to wait.  I will focus on the kitchen issue instead.  The basement will wait a year, and I will not die of a concrete hallway in my house where there ought to be carpet.

*****

I have not given myself time to celebrate, yet celebrating is on order.  The refinance went through, which basically means that I just purchased my own house.  The loan is in my name only, and when the money is deposited this week, I will write Bryan the biggest check I've ever written, and he will walk away from the house, and it will all be mine.  It is extraordinary to me to think that I've been able to make this happen, and it is worthy of celebrating.

A year ago, Bryan was still living in the basement, I didn't have a job, and I didn't know how I was going to make anything work.  Now I'm deeply immersed in my job, it's going well, Bryan has moved out, AND I've purchased the house.  Not only that, but almost all of the divorce paperwork is done, and I have made that happen.

So, I've made progress.  Giant strides, as a matter of fact.  A year ago, my current life seemed only like a fantasy, and I could not imagine how to support my daughter and myself or get Bryan moved out....and yet here we are.

So, right now, in the midst of far too many looming problems including major home repairs, a budget that is always too small, and deep fatigue from the day to day of my life mothering and working, I am realizing that I need to take another leap of faith.

When I told Bryan I wanted a divorce, it was a leap of faith (because I didn't know if I could handle my life, or if I could find a job, or if Katherine and I could survive the blow).  When I picked his move out date, it was another leap of faith (because I had no idea how we would make it).  When I took a job working for a small business, it was another leap of faith (totally out of my comfort zone).  Refinancing the house was yet another leap of faith - who on earth would offer a good rate to a woman who had been out of the work force for nine years?!  (HomeStreet Bank, that's who.  The rates are amazing right now, so check it out.)

But these leaps of faith have brought me a job, my own home, a thriving daughter, independence, and hope for the future.

So, now I take additional leaps of faith.

I will manage my home.  I will rule my finances, not letting them rule me.  I will help this business to grow.  I will love Katherine with all of my might.

I will leap into the life I want.  I will have enough money.  And I will find love.

I will get the life I am seeking.  In the middle of life's storms, it is so easy to forget that I've already accomplished the impossible in my life, so maybe accomplishing even more "impossible" tasks isn't so impossible after all.

I'm still swimming.  I'm going to make this happen!