Why it's better to be older

This morning I woke up reflecting on my coffee date, and feeling pretty darn smug about it.

I mean, sure, the date itself was a dud, and there is no potential relationship there at all; but still, it was a wild success.

It was a wild success because I didn't leave my dignity there in the coffee shop.  It was a wild success because I enjoyed myself, even while having coffee with a stranger.  It was a wild success because I walked away thinking, "Hey, I can do this!" and not "OhmyGodnobodywilleverloveme!"

When I was twenty(ish), every possible first date could be The One.  Every word was fraught with meaning, and those meanings indicated my own worth.  When I was twenty(ish), a date like yesterday's would invoke fears like, "Is this all I will ever get in life?" and "Will anybody ever really like me?" and "Is this what I need to settle for?" and "What's wrong with me that even a guy I don't like doesn't seem to be into me?"

It's a totally different story now.

At forty(ish), what someone else says is a reflection of who they are, and not who I am.  A bad date is not an indication of my entire future, only of the present moment.  I don't have to lose myself in someone else's view of me, and whether one stranger likes me or doesn't is totally irrelevant, especially when I've already identified that we don't have a lot in common at a deeper level.  I can interpret his words differently - when he talks about "being middle aged" he's feeling bad about his own life, and I don't really care what he thinks about mine....I feel young and vibrant, and I'm sorry that he doesn't feel that way about himself, but it's not about me.

At twenty(ish), everything was about me.  At forty(ish), very little is about me.  I am more aware that people are wrapped up in their own heads, their own small dramas, their own perceptions about the world, and that usually their good and bad days don't have one thing to do with me.  At forty(ish), I take a lot more responsibility for how I feel, and for how I respond.

Here's what I hope that the man across the table saw yesterday:
I love my life.  I am kind and polite.  I'm opinionated but not bossy (there is room for someone else to have an opinion, but I don't feel a need to be silent when I disagree).  I smile a lot.

Whether he thought I was hot or not, whether he thought I was successful or not, well, sure, I'd like him to think I'm all that.  But in the end, I know who I am, and my opinion of myself doesn't rest on his opinion of me.  And that's good, because he was a nice enough person, but I don't want his opinion of himself to rest on mine of him (which could be summed up in a yawn - ouch!).

Ahhh, I've come a long way.  And it feels good.  So, thank you to Mr. CoffeeDate, for reminding me of all that.

Possibility

I think I'm reverse aging.

Getting divorced is enough to give anyone gray hair, it's true, but it also makes me feel surprisingly young.  I feel an awful lot right now like I did in my early 20s as I was graduating college, trying to establish a career and looking for a mate.  Only now I'm divorcing, trying to establish a career, and looking for a mate (sort of).

Right now, the future is very uncertain, and while that could age me a couple of decades (and on some days it seems to), mostly it makes feel young, in ways good and bad.  I feel like I'm on the edge of a giant precipice, and while I know I could fall and break on the rocks below, I feel certain that I could also fly and see new worlds.  It's terrifying and exhilerating.  I've already taken the leap of faith that good things are ahead: I did that when I asked for a divorce, uncertain as to my own ability to withstand singledom, uncertain as to its effects on Katherine, and utterly lacking in the career department.  So far, two of three have sprouted wings....and the career is happening, albeit slower than I'd wish.

Anything is possible.  And just like when I was 23, it seems that the world is at my feet, and that there are grand adventures possible.  I could learn a foreign language, I could travel the world, I could write a book, I could make pottery, I could meet The One, and I could have the beautiful life I always dreamed of.  At 23, I refused to believe any differently, and I was determined to make my dreams come true.  By 40, it all seemed flat....but not much later, and it all seems possible again.

I'm getting a do-over, and I like it.

It's funny how divorce has changed some of the little things in my life.  When we started to divide up furniture into his and mine, I suddenly realized that I didn't like the straight, heavy lines of the furniture that we had purchased together - it was his style, not mine, and I liked curvy graceful lines.  Suddenly, I am eating vegetarian food three quarters of the time, instead of the meat heavy diet we'd shared due to his preference.  I'm spending more time on my self care like make-up, because he's not saying "what's the point of that?" behind me, or rushing me out of the bathroom.

But little things add up, and little things make big things. I like the way the house looks better than I did.  I like the way I look better than I did.  My body feels healthier.

So all that stuff adds up to reverse aging.  It comes at a high cost - gone is certainty, gone is stability(such as it was!).  But in its place is possibility and hope, and how I have missed living a life so full of possibility and hope!  I literally feel younger than I did, and I like that feeling, even with all of its uncomfortableness.