First: a tribute. Today is Katherine's tenth birthday, and I just want to say for the millionth time how incredibly much I love, admire, respect, and cherish my daughter. She is the best thing that ever happened to me, and I have no idea how I got so lucky as to have her. She is kind and compassionate, thoughtful, loyal, and has more integrity in her pinky finger than most people have in their whole bodies. She is a hard worker, and she is incredibly persistent. She is the best friend in the world, and the close relationships she holds are beautiful to witness: there is no backbiting, no gossip, only a pure type of love that is rare and beautiful. Once she has a friend, she keeps her forever - she's retained the friendships she's had since infancy, and they are more precious than ever.
She's incredible, and I am blessed.
Which is how I am getting to my second point.
My ex is not someone I trust. When he talks to me, he is often rude and almost always abrasive. He's quick to fly off the handle, even when I am doing backflips to be accomodating, and he doesn't care about throwing little temper tantrums in front of our daughter. He still lies to me - small lies, sometimes meaningless, but I can't count on him. He says he never saw the email, even though he replied to it directly. He says I never told him, even though it's on our mutual calendar. He shows up late to pick up our daughter, and delivers her home early.
Just typing that makes my stomach hurt.
Today, for her birthday, Katherine requested a dinner at our home with both of her parents. I didn't hesitate and immediately told her that I'd love to do that for her. (Okay, first I said, "Are you sure you don't want to pick a restaurant?" but she was clear, she wanted both of her parents in her home.)
And today I am feeling anxious and sad about it.
My ex is going to be in my house, and who knows what snarky rude things he will say to me. Our daughter has requested dungeness crab - her favorite, and a veryveryvery rare treat - for dinner, and I can imagine him making snide remarks about the price, or complaining that I serve garlic butter instead of lemon butter (or vice versa), or taking all of the claws for himself. I can imagine him helping himself to things from my kitchen, not just what I serve. I can imagine that when I sit down he'll start requesting things from me. I can imagine that when I say something intended to be pleasant, he will say something hurtful in response. If I ask him how he is, he might say it's none of my business, and if I don't ask him, he might tell me that clearly I don't care about him.
It's a vicious cycle, and one I'm all too familiar with.
What's worse, is that it brings back so many bad memories dating to when I was pregnant and then the day of Katherine's birth. I won't dwell on it, only say that he hurt me badly then.
Today he posted pictures of himself and our daugther, taken over the years, on his Facebook page in honor of her birthday. The pictures are all very sweet, and I believe that all of them were taken by me. They all show a smiling father and his beautiful child. But people who see them don't know the back stories like I do: the one in a Santa hat that he appears to be so proud of was the day we got our Christmas tree and he didn't want to go and he thought the hats were stupid and I felt like I was two inches tall and I just wanted a happy Christmas experience and he kept snapping at me; the one on the hiking trail where he sulked and refused to walk with us and actually disappeared for two hours when we were by the lake and Katherine kept saying "where'd Daddy go?" and I didn't know and I was starting to wonder what I would do if I got back to the trailhead and the car was gone; the one at the Fourth of July Parade when it was too crowded and he was mad at me and he once again left and we didn't know where he was and he wouldn't pick up his cell phone and then when he did locate us he yelled at me and I cried when Katherine was out of earshot. But nobody seeing the pictures would know that. And they wouldn't know that I took those shots.
A few people have told me flat out that having him come over is too much, that I'm crazy to let him into my life like that. Well, on my own account, they're right. There is a part of me that would like to tear nto him and give him a piece of my mind; there is a part of me that is crafting cutting retorts to his rudeness.
But I won't do it. I will invite him in, I will smile, and I will serve him wine and crab and Caesar salad and garlic bread that I have purchased and prepared. When he complains that it's taking too long and he's hungry (remember, he doesn't work, but I will be the one rushing home to turn these ingredients into a special meal after work) I will smile and say "would you like cheese and crackers while you wait?" If he snaps at me, I will redirect my attention to Katherine and say "Tell me about your day at school, honey. Did the class sing to you before the cupcakes?" (The ones I made last night, frosted at 6 this morning, and then delivered before work to her school.) I will dish up the crab on each plate from the kitchen, so that he will not take three of the four claws for himself. (Katherine will get two because it's her birthday, he and I will each get one.) If he gets really bad, I will look at him directly and say, "It's our daughter's birthday, and I refuse to ruin it, and hope you will make it good for her as well."
This turning the other cheek thing isn't for sissies. It's at the exact moment that I want to slap the rudeness off his face that I need to lower my voice, and turn to view my daughter with loving eyes. I am doing this for her, and for my own integrity, and not for Bryan. He's enough of a fool that he won't even realize how hard I'm working at not taking his bait, and he will not be appreciative of my kindness to him.
Today, he comes, and as a gift to my daughter, I will feed him, serve him, clean up after him, welcome him, be kind to him, make smalltalk with him. And I will do it as graciously as I am capable of doing so that it doesn't look forced, and so that I eliminate as much tension as possible.
Because that girl of mine? She deserves it.
But I thank God that after dinner he will leave and go to his own residence, leaving me at peace in mine.
Happy Birthday, Katherine. I hope that I honor you today, sweetheart. May you never read these words, never know the extent of my anger, frustration, and disappointment in your dad. And should you ever learn, may you know that my love for you is a thousand times bigger than my feelings for him, and you are worth it, every last bit of it.
Showing posts with label children and divorce. Show all posts
Showing posts with label children and divorce. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Monday, January 7, 2013
Resilience
Katherine is the most amazing person that I know.
Last night at dinner we were talking about our goals for the next year. We discussed our upcoming trip to Paris. She told me she wants to make things to sell on the internet to raise money for animal shelters. (Anyone have a clue how to set up Ecommerce for a ten year old?!)
And I offhandedly said, "Well, since last year wasn't our favorite, this year will be better." And then, fearful of her response but needing to know anyway, I said, "Was the day we told you that we were getting divorced the worst day of your life?"
"Hmmmmm," she replied, "That was bad. But the worst day was every day in the second grade in the afternoons when I had to sit at that table with those horrible boys who kept distracting me and making it so hard to get my work done!"
I was skeptical. She's emotionally intuitive - perhaps she was protecting me. "Are you sure?" I asked, giving her that "Mama knows!" look. She laughed at me. "Oh, Mom, you worry too much. I'm fine. Why do you always worry about me? And those boys were SO ANNOYING! That was much worse." And then she changed the subject - back to how to help the animals.
When I think about all of the things that have happened to me in my life, good and bad, this incredible child is at the top of my list. I have certainly tried to model resilience to her, but this, this is beyond my hopes. My heart is bursting with pride, amazement, and such dreams for our future together.
I really believe that she's okay. Her dad has only been moved out for six months, and she is thriving. She is joyful. The is hopeful. She's firmly grounded in the present, and she's got plans for the future.
Ahhh, that makes my heart sing.
*****
On another note, interesting community-college-professor-dad and I are off the table. We are on opposite kid schedules, and that isn't going to change. Dating in my forties sure IS different than dating in my twenties! What's more, I feel like I'm bored to death with online dating already, and I haven't even gotten started. Ah well. I like that it's low stakes for me, so no matter what happens on the dating front, all is well. :-)
Last night at dinner we were talking about our goals for the next year. We discussed our upcoming trip to Paris. She told me she wants to make things to sell on the internet to raise money for animal shelters. (Anyone have a clue how to set up Ecommerce for a ten year old?!)
And I offhandedly said, "Well, since last year wasn't our favorite, this year will be better." And then, fearful of her response but needing to know anyway, I said, "Was the day we told you that we were getting divorced the worst day of your life?"
"Hmmmmm," she replied, "That was bad. But the worst day was every day in the second grade in the afternoons when I had to sit at that table with those horrible boys who kept distracting me and making it so hard to get my work done!"
I was skeptical. She's emotionally intuitive - perhaps she was protecting me. "Are you sure?" I asked, giving her that "Mama knows!" look. She laughed at me. "Oh, Mom, you worry too much. I'm fine. Why do you always worry about me? And those boys were SO ANNOYING! That was much worse." And then she changed the subject - back to how to help the animals.
When I think about all of the things that have happened to me in my life, good and bad, this incredible child is at the top of my list. I have certainly tried to model resilience to her, but this, this is beyond my hopes. My heart is bursting with pride, amazement, and such dreams for our future together.
I really believe that she's okay. Her dad has only been moved out for six months, and she is thriving. She is joyful. The is hopeful. She's firmly grounded in the present, and she's got plans for the future.
Ahhh, that makes my heart sing.
*****
On another note, interesting community-college-professor-dad and I are off the table. We are on opposite kid schedules, and that isn't going to change. Dating in my forties sure IS different than dating in my twenties! What's more, I feel like I'm bored to death with online dating already, and I haven't even gotten started. Ah well. I like that it's low stakes for me, so no matter what happens on the dating front, all is well. :-)
Monday, August 20, 2012
I got a wife!
Remember how I said I needed a wife? I am delighted to announce that I found one. She's part time, and I have to share her, but I couldn't be happier.
Which is all to say that two friends and I are participating in an after school nanny share, and this weekend we hired someone. She will met the girls at their bus stops, give them healthy snacks, help out with homework, take them to after school activities, and even help out with light housework and food prep.
Which means....I will come home to a daughter who is happy, healthy, well cared for, whose primary homework is done. (I'll still do projects etc. with her, but this removes the nightly math worksheets from my routine.) It means that sometimes when I walk in the door, the house will smell of something cooking in the oven, or the salad will be ready and so I can just throw something on the grill. It means no more scrambling to ask friends for childcare favors. It means that I'll get a bit of help with a basket of laundry or vacuuming.
Oh, glory hallelujah! This is the best idea EVER!
To top it all off, I think she might just be Mary Poppins. Fabulous references, very warm, incredibly articulate, college educated and supplementing a job working at a preschool. And the girls, including Katherine, love her, and they think that she's wonderful and can't wait to be with her. And she's an active person involved with social justice and she has healthy habits (non-smoker, likes to eat natural foods, very active) and has so much to offer....and she could even "talk the talk" about American Girl dolls.
Because it's a three-way share, I am only paying $70/month more than I would for the after school program at the community center. She'll only be at my house 1/3 of the time, so only 1/3 of the days will have chore help or food help, but she'll be with Katherine every day (at one of the three houses).
The friends with whom we're doing the share are close in proximity, temperment, relationship. The parents enjoy one another, and the girls enjoy one another.
I'll let my readers know how it works once it really gets going, but I am ecstatic that this looks like it's going to work out. May we live happily ever after!
Which is all to say that two friends and I are participating in an after school nanny share, and this weekend we hired someone. She will met the girls at their bus stops, give them healthy snacks, help out with homework, take them to after school activities, and even help out with light housework and food prep.
Which means....I will come home to a daughter who is happy, healthy, well cared for, whose primary homework is done. (I'll still do projects etc. with her, but this removes the nightly math worksheets from my routine.) It means that sometimes when I walk in the door, the house will smell of something cooking in the oven, or the salad will be ready and so I can just throw something on the grill. It means no more scrambling to ask friends for childcare favors. It means that I'll get a bit of help with a basket of laundry or vacuuming.
Oh, glory hallelujah! This is the best idea EVER!
To top it all off, I think she might just be Mary Poppins. Fabulous references, very warm, incredibly articulate, college educated and supplementing a job working at a preschool. And the girls, including Katherine, love her, and they think that she's wonderful and can't wait to be with her. And she's an active person involved with social justice and she has healthy habits (non-smoker, likes to eat natural foods, very active) and has so much to offer....and she could even "talk the talk" about American Girl dolls.
Because it's a three-way share, I am only paying $70/month more than I would for the after school program at the community center. She'll only be at my house 1/3 of the time, so only 1/3 of the days will have chore help or food help, but she'll be with Katherine every day (at one of the three houses).
The friends with whom we're doing the share are close in proximity, temperment, relationship. The parents enjoy one another, and the girls enjoy one another.
I'll let my readers know how it works once it really gets going, but I am ecstatic that this looks like it's going to work out. May we live happily ever after!
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Anonymity, Online dating, Moving, Money
I have a lot on my mind this week. The worries make me dizzy.
A friend let slip about my blog, and about my Match.com profile, accidentally outing me to a dozen people. Bryan doesn't know about either the blog or my desire to date (though he must wonder), and I'm filled with fear of him finding out about either the blog or dating, because I'm working so hard at maintaining civility with him, and I don't want to jeopardize that.
It's made me wonder: should I keep a blog? Am I really doing this with integrity? Is this a healthy place to vent where nobody gets hurt, or am I just airing my dirty laundry in public? Do I offer a service to other women going through divorce by sharing my story, or is it self-indulgent? How does one walk that line? (Advice on this always appreciated.)
I do know that I love blogging here, that I enjoy the feedback immensely, that I feel so much less alone when others share their stories. However, today I'm wondering what to do.
And I'm realizing that I threw away $50 that would have been better spent elsewhere (even on a new pair of shoes) than on Match.com, because I am just not ready to date. I'm too tired to be vivacious right now, I have too many worries to think about flirting, and even if I was filled with energy and desire to flirt, I just don't have time. Work is busy, my home needs a lot of work, I really want to connect with girlfriends in my down time, and Katherine needs and deserves most of my attention (and I want to give it to her). I had a vision of walking down a boardwalk, sipping an iced coffee, wearing a pretty sundress, and flirting with a tall handsome man, passing away part of the summer....but I realize that instead, I want to walk down the boardwalk with Katherine and our dog, that I want to eat ice cream with her, and then swim in the ocean with her, and not care about anyone else in the world, or how witty I am, or making a good impression. The time will come to date, but I'm not there. (sigh) I think I was trigger happy - I was lonely, and jealous of my happy friends, and wishing for quick fixes, but I know that will not get me where I want to go. I need to work on myself right now, not dating. (another sigh)
And yesterday I spent the day with my inlaws - all thirty or so of them, including brother and sister in laws, nieces, nephews, etc. There was a family wedding, and they made sure I was included. When it was time for a family photo, I panicked - what should I do? I was prepared to bow out gracefully with a smile, but they ushered me over and told me that was nonsense, family was forever, come on over. Bryan, Katherine and I stood together in the group, family. This small moment blows my mind; it is what I want for Katherine, but so awkward and strange that I barely know what to think.
But these things are far overshadowed by the fact that this time next week Bryan should be moved out. I will really be in the next phase of life, the one I've been preparing for all year. Katherine will have two homes, and she will officially be the product of a broken home. (An expression I loathe, for many reasons, but there it is.) I will lose control over parts of her life that I currently have control over.
I will have two weekends a month by myself in this house, as well as Wednesday nights. When I come home from something on one of those days, I will not be greeted by Katherine asking for a snack or a bedtime story while Bryan does something else by himself. I will both love the downtime and hate that I am not there for her. I will try to focus on taking care of myself, and giving her space to develop her relationship with her father, instead of the emptiness of her room, just down the hall from mine.
This week, either Bryan will pack himself, or I'll pack him, but either way, he's moving next weekend.
Please pray for us, keep good thoughts for us, hold us in the light, wish on shooting stars for us. Hope that I can keep biting my tongue, that we can do this move smoothly, that Katherine can feel some enthusiasm for having two rooms, for a bit of independence walking back and forth, for the cell phone she's about to receive so that she can talk to whichever parent she is not with. Please hope that Bryan will embrace his new location, finding some of his lost passion for living, that he can be the person he wishes to be. Please hope that Katherine feels loved, and safe, and hopeful. Please hope that I will behave with wisdom and integrity, and that I will find the strength and energy to craft the best possible life for Katherine and myself. Please hope that many beautiful things come out of this change in our lives, and that the beauty that follows overshadows the grief at what is lost.
It all comes down to this. Two homes, the end of an era, a change for all of us. I am allowing myself to grieve, and still trying to focus on the good that lies ahead.
And money. Oh, Dear God, the money. I'm working on spreadsheets, playing the numbers, trying to figure out how to survive.....and I want to thrive, not only survive, and I have to figure that out. It makes my head hurt.
We have a meeting with a mediator tomorrow.
Thank you for your support this week, more than ever before, because I need it.
A friend let slip about my blog, and about my Match.com profile, accidentally outing me to a dozen people. Bryan doesn't know about either the blog or my desire to date (though he must wonder), and I'm filled with fear of him finding out about either the blog or dating, because I'm working so hard at maintaining civility with him, and I don't want to jeopardize that.
It's made me wonder: should I keep a blog? Am I really doing this with integrity? Is this a healthy place to vent where nobody gets hurt, or am I just airing my dirty laundry in public? Do I offer a service to other women going through divorce by sharing my story, or is it self-indulgent? How does one walk that line? (Advice on this always appreciated.)
I do know that I love blogging here, that I enjoy the feedback immensely, that I feel so much less alone when others share their stories. However, today I'm wondering what to do.
And I'm realizing that I threw away $50 that would have been better spent elsewhere (even on a new pair of shoes) than on Match.com, because I am just not ready to date. I'm too tired to be vivacious right now, I have too many worries to think about flirting, and even if I was filled with energy and desire to flirt, I just don't have time. Work is busy, my home needs a lot of work, I really want to connect with girlfriends in my down time, and Katherine needs and deserves most of my attention (and I want to give it to her). I had a vision of walking down a boardwalk, sipping an iced coffee, wearing a pretty sundress, and flirting with a tall handsome man, passing away part of the summer....but I realize that instead, I want to walk down the boardwalk with Katherine and our dog, that I want to eat ice cream with her, and then swim in the ocean with her, and not care about anyone else in the world, or how witty I am, or making a good impression. The time will come to date, but I'm not there. (sigh) I think I was trigger happy - I was lonely, and jealous of my happy friends, and wishing for quick fixes, but I know that will not get me where I want to go. I need to work on myself right now, not dating. (another sigh)
And yesterday I spent the day with my inlaws - all thirty or so of them, including brother and sister in laws, nieces, nephews, etc. There was a family wedding, and they made sure I was included. When it was time for a family photo, I panicked - what should I do? I was prepared to bow out gracefully with a smile, but they ushered me over and told me that was nonsense, family was forever, come on over. Bryan, Katherine and I stood together in the group, family. This small moment blows my mind; it is what I want for Katherine, but so awkward and strange that I barely know what to think.
But these things are far overshadowed by the fact that this time next week Bryan should be moved out. I will really be in the next phase of life, the one I've been preparing for all year. Katherine will have two homes, and she will officially be the product of a broken home. (An expression I loathe, for many reasons, but there it is.) I will lose control over parts of her life that I currently have control over.
I will have two weekends a month by myself in this house, as well as Wednesday nights. When I come home from something on one of those days, I will not be greeted by Katherine asking for a snack or a bedtime story while Bryan does something else by himself. I will both love the downtime and hate that I am not there for her. I will try to focus on taking care of myself, and giving her space to develop her relationship with her father, instead of the emptiness of her room, just down the hall from mine.
This week, either Bryan will pack himself, or I'll pack him, but either way, he's moving next weekend.
Please pray for us, keep good thoughts for us, hold us in the light, wish on shooting stars for us. Hope that I can keep biting my tongue, that we can do this move smoothly, that Katherine can feel some enthusiasm for having two rooms, for a bit of independence walking back and forth, for the cell phone she's about to receive so that she can talk to whichever parent she is not with. Please hope that Bryan will embrace his new location, finding some of his lost passion for living, that he can be the person he wishes to be. Please hope that Katherine feels loved, and safe, and hopeful. Please hope that I will behave with wisdom and integrity, and that I will find the strength and energy to craft the best possible life for Katherine and myself. Please hope that many beautiful things come out of this change in our lives, and that the beauty that follows overshadows the grief at what is lost.
It all comes down to this. Two homes, the end of an era, a change for all of us. I am allowing myself to grieve, and still trying to focus on the good that lies ahead.
And money. Oh, Dear God, the money. I'm working on spreadsheets, playing the numbers, trying to figure out how to survive.....and I want to thrive, not only survive, and I have to figure that out. It makes my head hurt.
We have a meeting with a mediator tomorrow.
Thank you for your support this week, more than ever before, because I need it.
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