Okay, dear readers, I need some help.
With some crises firmly behind me, I'm working hard at thriving. I'm trying to live my best life, fully aware as I am that I only get one life, and that there is only the present. "Tomorrow" is not time to be happy, or to get things done. Today is the only day.
So, with that in mind, I'm exercising again, hoping that it will give me an extra boost. I'm getting up at 4:45am most days in order to exercise from 5am-6am, because there really isn't any other time of the day except bedtime, and by then my motivation is shot AND I really want to wind down, not amp up. From 6am to 9pm, my minutes are booked with mothering and working and basics like making dinner, so 5am it is.
I feel great. And I feel awful. It hurts to laugh, which makes me laugh. I'm pleased that I've made the commitment, and that I'm following through. I roped two girlfriends into joining me - which wasn't difficult, because I said "here's what I plan to do" and they asked if they could join me - so in the morning when I'm lying in bed hearing the alarm, there's no chance that I will turn it off and go back to sleep, because they show up at my house 15 minutes after the alarm goes off. We either work out in my basement or go for walks around the neighborhood; I don't feel comfortable driving to the gym because that would mean leaving Katherine alone in the house. (For some reason I am okay with the walks around the neighborhood, because I'm closer and on foot... Katherine knows when I'm doing a walk, and I always have my phone with me, and she's fine with it....plus she's sound asleep at the time. She's nearly 10 and very responsible, but I still only feel kind-of okay with it. In any case, I've decided that I must make peace with it, or never work out, and since I really want to be my best self, I must move this body of mine.)
But here is the dilemma.
My day is now booked from 4:45am to 9pm when Katherine has lights out and I fall into my own bed and am asleep the second my eyes close. That would be fine, except that I don't know when I have time to do the deep living that I desire so much. When can I write? When can I sit on the sofa holding a hot mug of tea and staring at the trees outside? When can I go to a play, a movie, or dinner with a friend? When can I deliver a meal to a sick friend? When can I put up the Christmas tree, go holiday shopping, or create holiday cards and send them?
I do not want to hear that I just have to let it all go. It is all well and fine to work out, get homework done, eat decently, and pay the bills with my job, but I want, deserve, and NEED more.
How on earth will I date with a schedule like this? My divorce is final in mid-January, and by spring I'd like to put myself out there, meet some interesting people, have some adult conversation (ranging from politics and art to the other kind of "adult" conversation, eventually), and take some steps towards meeting someone that I could spend the rest of my life with. But how can I fit it in? By 9pm I just want to sleep!
Last night I saw the movie "Lincoln" - a beautiful film that had me on the edge of my seat, holding my breath, hoping and hurting when it looked grim, even though I knew the outcome. (Slavery is ended in American forever - hurrah! Lincoln is shot, nooooo!) It was something I'd been hearing people rave about, and I was excited to go, and to spend time with an old friend. But the problem is that it's a two and a half hour film, so I didn't get home until close to midnight, and so today I feel like I have the flu and I just ran a marathon and my head doesn't work properly and I feel clumsy and out of sorts....and I'm at work today (and blogging here, but not feeling too guilty because I'm salaried and putting in extra time) because I'm trying to catch up since Katherine is at her dad's and this is our busy season.
It shouldn't make me feel like this to simply push myself to go to a movie and sit in a chair staring at a screen. It really shouldn't.
So, dear readers, please tell me how you do it. Encourage me, please. Is this feeling because I'm just waiting for the exercise high to kick in, and it's still too new and my body hasn't adjusted? I am not the only single working mom who exercises, and surely the others out there find time for girlfriends and dates and movies.... sometimes? I have a ton of creative energy right now, ideas flying through my head left and right, but I honestly do not know when to sit down for long enough to sort them out. Where is the "living" time, where I get to thrive and pursue dreams, and not just make it from day to day with relatively clean laundry?
Suggestions? Ideas? Encouragement? I refuse to merely survive. I just refuse it. I intend to thrive, all the way. I know if it was easy, everyone would be doing it, and the world would be a different place. But I am convinced I can do better, that I can keep tweaking my life to give it the shape I dream of.
Advice? Ideas? I can't wait to hear from you!
Showing posts with label living fully. Show all posts
Showing posts with label living fully. Show all posts
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Diving into Icy Water
I am back from my lovely vacation. It was a retreat to a dear friend's cabin, so there was no escape from cooking or cleaning, but there was plenty of nature, lots of downtime, time with friends, hiking, and swimming in a place like this:
...and swimming in a place like this:
People do NOT swim in the mountains and lakes around here in May, unless they are insane. Katherine and I are insane, and we love it. The weather was unseasonably warm, and the water was a constant (and expected) freezing cold, but we dove in anyway. I jumped off a county dock and my feet brushed the seaweed at the bottom, and I knew I was alive. We jumped into a mountain lake where I couldn't see the bottom, and the metallic-snow-smell of the water let me know I was alive. Living, with a capital L.
And to share that with my daughter? There's nothing like it. Reveling in nature, and in the beauty of our region, and in the fact that our bodies are healthy and strong, and that we are together....well, when I slice through the cold water, I get a rush like nothing else, and when I do it with her my body hums the refrain "that's my girl!" and I'm not sure if I'm talking about her or myself.
*****
I used to hike most weekends, pre-marriage, and I always swam at the destination. (Some like to hike to mountaintops. I don't mind that, but I prefer it if there is a lake to jump in to cool off from the hard workout of the hike somewhere along the way, preferably the middle.) I was a known skinny dipper: if I got to the lake and there were others there, I'd simply swim out in my swimsuit, then slip it off and hold it while I swum around where nobody could see me (because often I'd be the only one swimming). This made me giggle, and felt a bit like wearing sexy lingerie under my clothes at a business meeting: it was a gift just for myself, a delicious secret.
Bryan wasn't into hiking, and he didn't smile at me the way other men had when I dove into cold water. (Prior to Bryan, more than one man had found my antics in cold water HOT.) Bryan frowned. He told me I was foolish. He rolled his eyes. He said he was tired and wanted to go home.
I didn't hike or swim much at all during our marriage.
*****
Our friends thought about jumping in. They watched us smiling, and shrieking, and laughing, and they said, "Oh we should join you that looks so fun..." but they did not. This did not surprise me, because it's not for everybody. I am used to swimming alone, even when the hike is with friends. Katherine is the only one I've ever met who will join me every time, no convincing needed.
Swimming in a mountain lake isn't unlike what I need to do with my life right now. I'm diving into the pain, convinced that doing so will remind me what it feels like to be free, and that the exhileration of it will compensate for the fear and the icy shock.
In one month, Bryan needs to move out.
In one month, I will be my own primary breadwinner for the first time in nine years.
In one month, I will officially 100% be a single mom.
I've been standing at the edge of this lake, wading until my feet tingle with the pain, but soon, the wading must stop, and it will be time to dive in. I think that I'll be underwater for a while, and that I'll nearly faint from the cold, but I believe that I will emerge more alive than ever, more myself than ever. I only pray that this is so, and that removing the dysfunctional relationship from daily view will help Katherine emerge stronger, more sure of herself, as well.
It'd be easy to add up all the pain;
all the hopes and dreams you watched go up in flames...
But not me:
I'm alive.
I'm Alive, sung by Kenny Chesney and Dave Matthews
http://youtu.be/8VVpAqHJlQk
...and swimming in a place like this:
People do NOT swim in the mountains and lakes around here in May, unless they are insane. Katherine and I are insane, and we love it. The weather was unseasonably warm, and the water was a constant (and expected) freezing cold, but we dove in anyway. I jumped off a county dock and my feet brushed the seaweed at the bottom, and I knew I was alive. We jumped into a mountain lake where I couldn't see the bottom, and the metallic-snow-smell of the water let me know I was alive. Living, with a capital L.
And to share that with my daughter? There's nothing like it. Reveling in nature, and in the beauty of our region, and in the fact that our bodies are healthy and strong, and that we are together....well, when I slice through the cold water, I get a rush like nothing else, and when I do it with her my body hums the refrain "that's my girl!" and I'm not sure if I'm talking about her or myself.
*****
I used to hike most weekends, pre-marriage, and I always swam at the destination. (Some like to hike to mountaintops. I don't mind that, but I prefer it if there is a lake to jump in to cool off from the hard workout of the hike somewhere along the way, preferably the middle.) I was a known skinny dipper: if I got to the lake and there were others there, I'd simply swim out in my swimsuit, then slip it off and hold it while I swum around where nobody could see me (because often I'd be the only one swimming). This made me giggle, and felt a bit like wearing sexy lingerie under my clothes at a business meeting: it was a gift just for myself, a delicious secret.
Bryan wasn't into hiking, and he didn't smile at me the way other men had when I dove into cold water. (Prior to Bryan, more than one man had found my antics in cold water HOT.) Bryan frowned. He told me I was foolish. He rolled his eyes. He said he was tired and wanted to go home.
I didn't hike or swim much at all during our marriage.
*****
Our friends thought about jumping in. They watched us smiling, and shrieking, and laughing, and they said, "Oh we should join you that looks so fun..." but they did not. This did not surprise me, because it's not for everybody. I am used to swimming alone, even when the hike is with friends. Katherine is the only one I've ever met who will join me every time, no convincing needed.
Swimming in a mountain lake isn't unlike what I need to do with my life right now. I'm diving into the pain, convinced that doing so will remind me what it feels like to be free, and that the exhileration of it will compensate for the fear and the icy shock.
In one month, Bryan needs to move out.
In one month, I will be my own primary breadwinner for the first time in nine years.
In one month, I will officially 100% be a single mom.
I've been standing at the edge of this lake, wading until my feet tingle with the pain, but soon, the wading must stop, and it will be time to dive in. I think that I'll be underwater for a while, and that I'll nearly faint from the cold, but I believe that I will emerge more alive than ever, more myself than ever. I only pray that this is so, and that removing the dysfunctional relationship from daily view will help Katherine emerge stronger, more sure of herself, as well.
It'd be easy to add up all the pain;
all the hopes and dreams you watched go up in flames...
But not me:
I'm alive.
I'm Alive, sung by Kenny Chesney and Dave Matthews
http://youtu.be/8VVpAqHJlQk
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)