I went back into my spreadsheets of finances to update them.
I started making lists of home repairs that I was just going to have to deal with, whether I wanted to or not.
I contacted my friends with a list of items I need for post-split: like most households, we have one blender, one toaster, one vacuum, etc. and we're going to have to figure out how to double these items in the next three weeks.
Work is busier than ever.
Katherine is struggling to accept these new changes. Except for the one giant fit - transference of every anxiety she has into something small and petty, but perhaps it was good for her to let it all out, even if it hit me where it hurts - she is doing well, but I see the small shadows around her eyes. She's worried.
And I'm in a new stage of grief: depression. I think I like this stage least of all. Denial has its advantages, after all, because I'm pretty good at pretending all is well. Anger is at least energizing. I spent most of my marriage in the bargaining stage, so it worked for at least a decade. I thought I was in acceptance - ah, blissful acceptance - of where I am: I have been thinking it through, planning, imagining a better future....
But right now, I'm just sad. My family doesn't work. Our finances are broken. I'm exhausted. My daughter hurts. The word "overwhelmed" feels like it is tattooed on my forehead.
This is to be expected. How could I divorce without deep sadness? And now that things are put into piles, his and mine, how could I not grieve the life that might have been?
I'm trying to live with this sadness. I grieve for the death of the fantasy of the happy family; I grieve for the hopes that I thought we shared; I grieve for the life I've lost. I grieve for our daughter. I grieve for myself.
Readers, how do you manage your grief, sadness, depression over a divorce? Any suggestions as to how I can both accept that sadness is a part of the process....and move out of sadness? I learn a great deal from your stories and suggestions, and I welcome both.
