Thursday, February 14, 2013

Happy Valentine's Day

For the past week, Katherine has labored over hand made heart valentines to hand out to her classmates, each with a chocolate taped to it.

I issued an invitation to a half dozen of her friends to come over for a special Valentine dinner, and told those friends' parents to go out on dates and celebrate the holiday.

I invited a couple of single girlfriends to come and join me, too.

Last night I made a white (bechamel base) lasagna, as well as a traditional red lasagna.  I've got the table set with a red cloth and the china (white with a gold rim), with little heart dishes of candies and a bouquet of flowers in the center.

This morning I woke Katherine up with a whispered "Happy Valentine's Day - I got you a present!"  She got chocolates, hair bands, and a stuffed animal (all received rave reviews).

I'm wearing a red dress and my favorite heels.  (High.  And French.)

I'm greeting everyone with a smile and a "Happy Valentine's Day!"

*****

I'm faking every last bit of it.  I feel sad today, and much desirous of crawling back into bed.  I'm hoping that all this faking it helps me to make it.

Today, Mary Oliver's poem, with the line "whereever you are, no matter how lonely..." keeps echoing in my mind.  What *is* my place?  I really dislike this longing to be a part of another, this desire to desire and be desired in return.  I want to be happy with what I have, because what I have is so much.  I'm trying to find the joy, I'm trying to be that person.

But today, I'm faking it.  Maybe tomorrow I won't have to fake it.  I'm just glad that Katherine isn't faking it, and as she headed off to school with her bag of Valentine's, she looked so happy.  Today, that must be enough for me.

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