Sunday, June 24, 2012

Anonymity, Online dating, Moving, Money

I have a lot on my mind this week.  The worries make me dizzy.

A friend let slip about my blog, and about my profile, accidentally outing me to a dozen people.  Bryan doesn't know about either the blog or my desire to date (though he must wonder), and I'm filled with fear of him finding out about either the blog or dating, because I'm working so hard at maintaining civility with him, and I don't want to jeopardize that.

It's made me wonder: should I keep a blog?  Am I really doing this with integrity?  Is this a healthy place to vent where nobody gets hurt, or am I just airing my dirty laundry in public?  Do I offer a service to other women going through divorce by sharing my story, or is it self-indulgent?  How does one walk that line?  (Advice on this always appreciated.)

I do know that I love blogging here, that I enjoy the feedback immensely, that I feel so much less alone when others share their stories.  However, today I'm wondering what to do.

And I'm realizing that I threw away $50 that would have been better spent elsewhere (even on a new pair of shoes) than on, because I am just not ready to date.  I'm too tired to be vivacious right now, I have too many worries to think about flirting, and even if I was filled with energy and desire to flirt, I just don't have time.  Work is busy, my home needs a lot of work, I really want to connect with girlfriends in my down time, and Katherine needs and deserves most of my attention (and I want to give it to her).  I had a vision of walking down a boardwalk, sipping an iced coffee, wearing a pretty sundress, and flirting with a tall handsome man, passing away part of the summer....but I realize that instead, I want to walk down the boardwalk with Katherine and our dog, that I want to eat ice cream with her, and then swim in the ocean with her, and not care about anyone else in the world, or how witty I am, or making a good impression.  The time will come to date, but I'm not there.  (sigh)  I think I was trigger happy - I was lonely, and jealous of my happy friends, and wishing for quick fixes, but I know that will not get me where I want to go.  I need to work on myself right now, not dating.  (another sigh)

And yesterday I spent the day with my inlaws - all thirty or so of them, including brother and sister in laws, nieces, nephews, etc.  There was a family wedding, and they made sure I was included.  When it was time for a family photo, I panicked - what should I do?  I was prepared to bow out gracefully with a smile, but they ushered me over and told me that was nonsense, family was forever, come on over.  Bryan, Katherine and I stood together in the group, family.  This small moment blows my mind; it is what I want for Katherine, but so awkward and strange that I barely know what to think.

But these things are far overshadowed by the fact that this time next week Bryan should be moved out.  I will really be in the next phase of life, the one I've been preparing for all year.  Katherine will have two homes, and she will officially be the product of a broken home.  (An expression I loathe, for many reasons, but there it is.)  I will lose control over parts of her life that I currently have control over.

I will have two weekends a month by myself in this house, as well as Wednesday nights.  When I come home from something on one of those days, I will not be greeted by Katherine asking for a snack or a bedtime story while Bryan does something else by himself.  I will both love the downtime and hate that I am not there for her.  I will try to focus on taking care of myself, and giving her space to develop her relationship with her father, instead of the emptiness of her room, just down the hall from mine.

This week, either Bryan will pack himself, or I'll pack him, but either way, he's moving next weekend.

Please pray for us, keep good thoughts for us, hold us in the light, wish on shooting stars for us.  Hope that I can keep biting my tongue, that we can do this move smoothly, that Katherine can feel some enthusiasm for having two rooms, for a bit of independence walking back and forth, for the cell phone she's about to receive so that she can talk to whichever parent she is not with.  Please hope that Bryan will embrace his new location, finding some of his lost passion for living, that he can be the person he wishes to be.  Please hope that Katherine feels loved, and safe, and hopeful.  Please hope that I will behave with wisdom and integrity, and that I will find the strength and energy to craft the best possible life for Katherine and myself.  Please hope that many beautiful things come out of this change in our lives, and that the beauty that follows overshadows the grief at what is lost.

It all comes down to this.  Two homes, the end of an era, a change for all of us.  I am allowing myself to grieve, and still trying to focus on the good that lies ahead.

And money.  Oh, Dear God, the money.  I'm working on spreadsheets, playing the numbers, trying to figure out how to survive.....and I want to thrive, not only survive, and I have to figure that out.  It makes my head hurt. 

We have a meeting with a mediator tomorrow.

Thank you for your support this week, more than ever before, because I need it.


  1. Don't give up your blog! I would have given anything to know that others were going through the same thing I was. You need people to tell you that you aren't crazy! You are better off having this than you know. It's theraputic to get it out and validating to have the support. This is part of taking care of you! Brenda.

  2. I understand all your concerns - from the desire for anonymity to needing an outlet that is both therapeutic for you, and potentially helpful to others. A sort of community.

    It is a very fine line to walk - not only because it makes sense to compartmentalize (for our kids' sakes, among other things), but what we say on the Internet is forever. Employers routinely use Google to see what's "out there" on people when they background check.

    Besides, who wants something said in anger to live on forever?

    But it's not always possible to remain anonymous. If we're lucky, we choose the when and where to let out more of who we are. If we're not so lucky, a few people may know some personal things about us that they will judge, or, they may find compassion and understanding.

    Divorce is such a dreadful time. I hope your friends will understand, and cut you some slack. Meanwhile, you take care of your daughter - and yourself.

    You seem like you have your head on straight. Just keep moving forward. And you're doing it already.

  3. Having just recently discovered your blog, and also having recently relocated to California from the Seattle area (Camano Island)and separating from my husband of 32 years, I find that I can relate to so much in your posts.

    When you shared Mary Oliver's poem 'the Journey', you brought healing to my heart as I remembered reading it years before and seeing my own life reflected in her words. I think your blog offers far more than 'a healthy place to vent' your own experience... your thoughtful insights allow those of us who read here to gain courage to speak and live our own truths. I, for one, appreciate that you have the courage to speak out. <3

  4. I so hope you don't quit blogging. You offer insight and I appreciate that. I will send prayers up for you guys in this transition.

  5. trying to leave a message. Take care.

  6. It's me, anonymous, from the other day. I so "get" this entry of your blog because it's important for me to connect, or vent, or something, but still remain anonymous. I thought about starting a blog, creating a name, but was afraid if I said one little personal thing (isn't that what blogging is all about?), someone in this vast world would connect it to me, and I guess I'm just too private for that, or like you, I don't want to jeopardize what seems to be going well. With that being said,though, it must be so freeing to be able to blog at the end of the day, to get it off your chest and out there because, we both know, there's a lot to be said at the end of the day, every day. Some good things, some bad things, but I find so many questions at the end of the day! So much to think about and so much to try to reconfigure into a new life. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I think there might be tough times ahead, but also good times. You might have to be the bigger person from time to time or you might have to "bite your tongue", but I know you'll do it because you want peace in your life, not a power struggle. And be sure to laugh every day - make yourself laugh. I've survived by watching Big Bang Theory every day, as often as it comes on. It makes me laugh, really laugh. I also found The New Adventures of Old funny, and relevant too! See? A detail. Now I'm paranoid that this gives away my identity! Ok, not really. I read a book, What Alice Forgot, about someone who loses her memory and has to rediscover the last 10 years of her life. Yes, a ruined marriage was at the center of her lost memories. It didn't end the way I wanted... so a setback for me, but it's almost time for Big Bang, or for a walk with a friend, or a call from my son or daughter, or ... whatever it takes to will myself to get over the unfairness and hurt of past and be happy now. I know I can do it because I don't want to be where I was. You can do it, too. Good luck!

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