Taking a breath

This weekend, I will have a chance to catch my breath.

Today, I will do my utmost to hit some work deadlines (or have to catch up on the weekend), and then I will run for the bus home, then jump in the car to pick up Katherine from a friend's house where she's having an after school playdate, and then go to friends' home for dinner.

These are good friends, they know me, they understand me, and they will let me put my feet up on their sofa as our daughters play and they will offer me wine and let me cry a bit if I need to, but more likely they will make me laugh.

And in this way, I will make it until bedtime, and then I can collapse.

I wasn't expecting this level of fatigue.  Some of it is physical - I really am on duty ALL THE TIME, as my beloved daughter can't seem to fall asleep before 9:30pm and I have lights out at 10, so from the moment I rise to the moment I go to bed, I'm a whirling dervish of activity.  Household cares, feeding us, taking care of the pets, much work.  In that brief half hour when she's asleep, I run around tidying, getting ready for the next day.  Or I try to read, and feel guilty the whole time because of the things being left undone.

I've screwed up twice this week, and I'm ashamed.  I forgot Katherine's piano lesson last night.  I could blame it on the long weekend - oh no, it's not Wednesday, it's Thursday! - but it's really because I'm not thinking straight.  And then I was pleased with myself because I remembered the big school event and prepared Katherine for it, but on the bus on the way to work I saw a friend's Facebook post about crazy hair day.

Katherine's hair is neatly brushed today.  It is not crazy.  This will make her sad.  Like me, she likes to celebrate every little thing, to get into things, and she will be at school with un-crazy hair.

For some reason this made me want to vomit.

There is no time to vomit.  I will remain proud that I served a meal, at the table, that included vegetables, last night.  That we called both sets of grandparents.  That homework was completed.  That I read a chapter of her book to her.  That I did not crawl into bed in my clothes and tell her to go away I was too tired to do anything.  That I got up and made her breakfast, packed a lunch, saw her off to school with a hug and an "I love you."  That I made it to work where, after I hit "publish", I will bust my rear end all day.

But this weekend, I just need to be quiet, to do nothing, and somehow get a bit caught up, too.  Hopefully Bryan and Katherine will be having a good time, but I'm just going to try to regroup, so that on Monday I can do it all over again, but maybe without losing my mind.

I've been doing this for a while now.  I think I'm terrified of the impact that Bryan's move will have on Katherine, that I'm terrified about money, that I'm terrified that I'm falling too far behind on everything and will never be able to catch up.  It's all catching up to me.  Maybe this weekend I can make it better.  Maybe.

Happy Friday, dear readers.  If you'd like to vent in the comments about your own lives, it would make me feel less alone, and maybe release some of your own tension, too.