Looking back

I've been thinking of this post for a few days.

My entire relationship with Bryan wasn't horrible.  There were good points, and there were kindnesses along the way.  The reason that I feel sadness is that I saw the potential in those beautiful moments, and wished for a lifetime of them, and the marriage ending takes away that possibility.  I didn't marry Hitler, and though I'm very certain that it's a good thing the marriage has ended, it wasn't always awful.

And today I'm acknowledging that. 

Here's a little list of favorite moments with Bryan - a reminder that sometimes it was good, that he is not the devil incarnate, that I married him for good reasons, that though it is time to move on, he was an important part of my life, and I want to honor that, too.

- The first time we had sex, it was mind blowing.  He was thoughtful and attentive in ways I'd never experienced before, with a dose of creativity thrown in, and it was fantastic.

- When he proposed, he'd thought through so many details, and he made it special and memorable.

- Our wedding day was just about perfect.

- We went to Paris one December when we were first married, and it snowed.  Walking back from a concert (a quartet playing in a medieval church) late at night, wearing my long black wool coat with a velvet collar, holding hands under the streetlights as it started to snow.....was magical.

- He comforted me when my beloved grandfather died.

- The day Katherine was born, we didn't know the gender, and we'd agreed he was to tell me as soon as she was birthed.  I looked at him, and with tears of happiness in his eyes, he whispered, "It's Katherine!" and the joy I felt at that moment was intense beyond anything I'd ever felt in my life, and I loved sharing that moment with him.

- One Christmas my parents were stressing me out immensely, and he helped me to feel calm and happy again in a way I don't think anybody else could have.

- Getting our dog together was a joy.

- The one cancer moment when he handled things perfectly was right after my mastectomy.  I was high on painkillers and I was terrified that he'd never find me attractive again.  I wanted the moment of showing him to be over, so while I was still in recovery, with tears in my eyes, I pulled back my gown, to reveal my flat, bandaged chest.  He kissed the bandage softly, and said, "It's beautiful.  It's beautiful because it means you don't have cancer any more."  I will never lose my gratitude for that moment.

- Laying in bed listening to "rain, falling on a tin roof" (the Norah Jones song line) at our favorite cabin.

- Katherine adores him, and he adores her.  They watch Stooges together and howl with laughter, and she looks at him with love in her eyes.  Whenever they do something together, her whole face lights up.

- He is being incredibly reasonable about child support, and has told me he will do whatever it takes to have me keep the house, because he knows how important it is for Katherine to have that stability.

It wasn't all bad.  This weekend, as we close the final door, I'm taking this little moment to remember the good, not just focus on the bad.  It's like putting these things in a memory box, in my own way, or like saving old love letters from a relationship long gone.  When it was good, it was good, and today I'm honoring that.