First: a tribute. Today is Katherine's tenth birthday, and I just want to say for the millionth time how incredibly much I love, admire, respect, and cherish my daughter. She is the best thing that ever happened to me, and I have no idea how I got so lucky as to have her. She is kind and compassionate, thoughtful, loyal, and has more integrity in her pinky finger than most people have in their whole bodies. She is a hard worker, and she is incredibly persistent. She is the best friend in the world, and the close relationships she holds are beautiful to witness: there is no backbiting, no gossip, only a pure type of love that is rare and beautiful. Once she has a friend, she keeps her forever - she's retained the friendships she's had since infancy, and they are more precious than ever.
She's incredible, and I am blessed.
Which is how I am getting to my second point.
My ex is not someone I trust. When he talks to me, he is often rude and almost always abrasive. He's quick to fly off the handle, even when I am doing backflips to be accomodating, and he doesn't care about throwing little temper tantrums in front of our daughter. He still lies to me - small lies, sometimes meaningless, but I can't count on him. He says he never saw the email, even though he replied to it directly. He says I never told him, even though it's on our mutual calendar. He shows up late to pick up our daughter, and delivers her home early.
Just typing that makes my stomach hurt.
Today, for her birthday, Katherine requested a dinner at our home with both of her parents. I didn't hesitate and immediately told her that I'd love to do that for her. (Okay, first I said, "Are you sure you don't want to pick a restaurant?" but she was clear, she wanted both of her parents in her home.)
And today I am feeling anxious and sad about it.
My ex is going to be in my house, and who knows what snarky rude things he will say to me. Our daughter has requested dungeness crab - her favorite, and a veryveryvery rare treat - for dinner, and I can imagine him making snide remarks about the price, or complaining that I serve garlic butter instead of lemon butter (or vice versa), or taking all of the claws for himself. I can imagine him helping himself to things from my kitchen, not just what I serve. I can imagine that when I sit down he'll start requesting things from me. I can imagine that when I say something intended to be pleasant, he will say something hurtful in response. If I ask him how he is, he might say it's none of my business, and if I don't ask him, he might tell me that clearly I don't care about him.
It's a vicious cycle, and one I'm all too familiar with.
What's worse, is that it brings back so many bad memories dating to when I was pregnant and then the day of Katherine's birth. I won't dwell on it, only say that he hurt me badly then.
Today he posted pictures of himself and our daugther, taken over the years, on his Facebook page in honor of her birthday. The pictures are all very sweet, and I believe that all of them were taken by me. They all show a smiling father and his beautiful child. But people who see them don't know the back stories like I do: the one in a Santa hat that he appears to be so proud of was the day we got our Christmas tree and he didn't want to go and he thought the hats were stupid and I felt like I was two inches tall and I just wanted a happy Christmas experience and he kept snapping at me; the one on the hiking trail where he sulked and refused to walk with us and actually disappeared for two hours when we were by the lake and Katherine kept saying "where'd Daddy go?" and I didn't know and I was starting to wonder what I would do if I got back to the trailhead and the car was gone; the one at the Fourth of July Parade when it was too crowded and he was mad at me and he once again left and we didn't know where he was and he wouldn't pick up his cell phone and then when he did locate us he yelled at me and I cried when Katherine was out of earshot. But nobody seeing the pictures would know that. And they wouldn't know that I took those shots.
A few people have told me flat out that having him come over is too much, that I'm crazy to let him into my life like that. Well, on my own account, they're right. There is a part of me that would like to tear nto him and give him a piece of my mind; there is a part of me that is crafting cutting retorts to his rudeness.
But I won't do it. I will invite him in, I will smile, and I will serve him wine and crab and Caesar salad and garlic bread that I have purchased and prepared. When he complains that it's taking too long and he's hungry (remember, he doesn't work, but I will be the one rushing home to turn these ingredients into a special meal after work) I will smile and say "would you like cheese and crackers while you wait?" If he snaps at me, I will redirect my attention to Katherine and say "Tell me about your day at school, honey. Did the class sing to you before the cupcakes?" (The ones I made last night, frosted at 6 this morning, and then delivered before work to her school.) I will dish up the crab on each plate from the kitchen, so that he will not take three of the four claws for himself. (Katherine will get two because it's her birthday, he and I will each get one.) If he gets really bad, I will look at him directly and say, "It's our daughter's birthday, and I refuse to ruin it, and hope you will make it good for her as well."
This turning the other cheek thing isn't for sissies. It's at the exact moment that I want to slap the rudeness off his face that I need to lower my voice, and turn to view my daughter with loving eyes. I am doing this for her, and for my own integrity, and not for Bryan. He's enough of a fool that he won't even realize how hard I'm working at not taking his bait, and he will not be appreciative of my kindness to him.
Today, he comes, and as a gift to my daughter, I will feed him, serve him, clean up after him, welcome him, be kind to him, make smalltalk with him. And I will do it as graciously as I am capable of doing so that it doesn't look forced, and so that I eliminate as much tension as possible.
Because that girl of mine? She deserves it.
But I thank God that after dinner he will leave and go to his own residence, leaving me at peace in mine.
Happy Birthday, Katherine. I hope that I honor you today, sweetheart. May you never read these words, never know the extent of my anger, frustration, and disappointment in your dad. And should you ever learn, may you know that my love for you is a thousand times bigger than my feelings for him, and you are worth it, every last bit of it.
Showing posts with label boundaries. Show all posts
Showing posts with label boundaries. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Divorce: A How To Guide
A friend of mine is in a bad marriage that makes her feel small, powerless, and angry. She wants to get divorced, but she feels stuck: she's been a stay at home mom for years, there are elementary aged children involved, and she doesn't know how to get out. This post is dedicated to her.
*****
I believe that I am having a very successful divorce. My definition of success is this: even though my ex has not changed (he is not suddenly reliable, reasonable, etc.) in the divorce process, our interactions are more positive now than they were when we were divorced. Our daughter is thriving. I've pulled myself up by my bootstraps and I'm managing my finances. Most of all - I'm happy. So, well aware that it was difficult to get here, I'm sharing my lessons, the ones I learned the hard way, in the hope that they will help others to ease their journeys.
So - here's how I did it. If you're stuck, like my friend, here's what I recommend you do. It worked for me!
1. Learn everything you can about creating a sane divorce. My favorite book on the subject is The Good Divorce by Constance Ahrons. Dr. Ahrons is clear that divorce is not good, but some divorces are better than others. Her book is geared towards parents who wish to offer their children the best in a bad situation, and I think she is a calm voice in the often antagonistic world of divorce literature. Want to learn how not to divorce? Go to The Huffington Post's divorce section and read the comments for just about any post. It appears that 99% of the people there are miserable about the state of humanity in general. Listen to what they say, and decide to do the opposite of that!
2. Get very, very, very clear about what you want. I decided that I wanted to live in integrity and joy, and that every decision I made had to be based in those two things. Yelling at my ex, for example, is neither full of integrity or joy. Biting my tongue for the sake of our daughter does have integrity, and the resultant feelings it evokes in her give me joy. You think this is easy? Just try it - it's really, really hard. But the rewards are worth it, and it does get easier over time.
3. Learn how to communicate clearly, with healthy boundaries, and no attachment to your ex's response. This means keeping your voice calm, stating your needs very clearly ("When you do not show up on time to pick up our daughter, it hurts her feelings and also inconveniences me. Will you agree to be on time in the future?") Do not lecture (say one sentence clearly, then stop) and do not worry about their angry response (I often hear "You never asked me!" or "Nobody told me that!" when he flakes out; this, despite the fact that I have proof in email - with his responses - that this is not the case.). State your need clearly, then walk away. Know that their response is about their relationship to the world - they yell because they hurt or are angry in general, not because you're a bad person. Refuse to get sucked in to the drama. Refuse to play the game with passive aggressive responses, withholding information, your own surly tone. Be clear and reasonable.
4. Live in total integrity. Model to your ex how it is done. Be gracious. Make sure you reach out and inform him/her about details of your child's life. Smile and exchange pleasantries. Say nice things about your ex to the child/ren. Show up on time, communicate clearly, do what you say you are going to do. Give or receive appropriate child support, but do not ask for more than is reasonable, and don't forget to pay. Absolutely refuse to be petty. Do this for yourself if you can't do it for your ex.
5. Teach your friends and family how to manage your divorce. Refuse to ex-bash in public. Tell your friends and family that they are welcome to keep your ex in their lives, and assure them that as the mother/father of your child, you do not want them to become outcasts. Reach out to your inlaws and tell them that you are sorry it has come to this and that you will honor their son/daughter/brother/sister despite the marriage ending, and that you want them to be a part of your child's life. Tell them that you will be flexible about family birthdays and such because you want your child/ren to keep in close contact with extended family. CC: your ex on emails to teachers and doctors, and say directly "We're divorced but we like to work together for the sake of our child, so please include both of us" and smile as you say it. Don't put others in an awkward position, and show them you can handle it. It's good for you, trust me.
6. Help your child/ren do nice things for your ex. Buy birthday, Christmas, Mother's Day/Father's Day gifts or cards, or help them make gifts. Do this with a smile on your face, and plan it in advance. Be excited for your child/ren when they do something cool with your ex. "Dad took you to your favorite restaurant? Oh, that's great! Did you get a milkshake, too? Lucky girl, I know how much you enjoy that. That was sure nice of Daddy." Do this for your children because they deserve to show love for BOTH of their parents, but also do it for yourself, because it feels so good to see the relief and openness on your child's face when they realize it's still safe to love both of you.
7. When your ex totally loses his/her cool with you, say, "I can see you are very upset. When you want to talk calmly with me, I will welcome that conversation," and walk away.
8. Get out there and live your joy. You are getting divorced because your marriage made you miserable, so REFUSE TO BE MISERABLE. This is your life, so go do something about it. Get good sleep - it's incredible what a difference it makes. Eat healthy food. Get outdoors. Move your body. Reach out to friends. Do some volunteer work (nothing will humble you more, and nothing will fill your soul more - this is particularly true when you feel like your own finances are in shambles and your own life is impossible - give to a cause you believe in with your time, include the kids if you like, and you will be amazed at how much you get from the experience and how it will pull you out of your icky mindset). Go see some live music (or invite friends to create some together). Make art, whether it's paper snowflakes or a grand sculpture. Find a spiritual community (church, synagogue, meditation center, etc.) and get involved. Join a sports team, a sewing circle, a bookclub, or whatever floats your boat that makes you feel alive and connected. Notice something about my list? Nothing on it costs money. Stop using excuses as to why you aren't doing those things and how your life is too busy. All of our lives are too busy, but we choose what to be busy with. If you can't do the things that bring you joy, then ending your marriage isn't going to help you at all, it's just going to trade one set of misery for another.
9. Take care of your physical self. Wear the cute jeans, the t-shirt that fits well. Get some exercise to get your blood moving. Get a new haircut, or a pedicure, or some sexy underwear. Step up the way you dress a bit (I've grown fond of wearing heels for the way they make me feel feminine). A little attention - a door held open, a smile - from the opposite sex goes a long way on a bad day. A little bounce in your step from knowing you look your best will do wonders for your mood. Put in a bit of effort. On days when you just can't gather the energy to put in the effort, do it anyway, because those are the days it helps the most. Do not do this for anyone except yourself - you're not doing it to please others or to lure a new mate, you're doing it to feel good. And you have to feel good to keep the courage up to get through this.
10. Decide how much you are willing to give up to live your authentic life. I have a friend who told me that the day she realized that if she had to move into her parents' basement with her kids it was still worth it was the day she realized she needed a divorce. She is still happily living in her nice home with her kids (and she's divorced now), and never had to move, but her willingness to give it all up and to take a risk ultimately allowed her to move towards her best life. What do you want more: the Nordstrom card or your independence? The nice house, or a healthy life? What's more important to you: modeling healthy behavior, or signing up your kids for ski school? Make your decision and stick to it. It will hurt. But it will also pay off.
11. Take a leap of faith. If you know that your marriage is over, that you are utterly done, then end it. I told my ex that our marriage was over when I hadn't worked a full time job in nine years, and we were broke, and I had no idea how to move my life forward. I suggested living in the house (upstairs/downstairs) for 14 months, and we put a date on the calendar for him to move out. We started telling people we were divorcing, and that I was going back to work. It took me 10 months to figure out stable work (not without some ups and downs), and then the last 4 months I saved 100% of the income from my new job; he got half of it to move out, I got half of it to get my end of things together (buying some things to replace what he took, etc.). I had some heart attacks along the way, I was so scared that I would never figure out my life, and I certainly imagined living in my parents' basement, or working in a minimum wage job (humbling because of my education and work history)...but it didn't come to that. And having a date on the calendar sure lit a fire under me...I knew I *had* to figure it out, and so I did. A little dose of fear is a big motivator!
12. Remember that it gets better. If your marriage is ugly, as mine was, then you're already living in a form of hell. To get out, you have to trade one version of hell (the bad marriage) for another (the fear and uncertainty of change, financially and for the children)....but the difference is, this new version is temporary, and offers hope on the other side. Divorce IS hard. Sometimes it feels impossibly hard, actually. There were days, weeks, and months when I thought I'd never make it, and from what I hear, that's pretty normal. But the truth is that people make it all the time, that divorce is NOT the end of the world, and that you can come out on the other side filled with joie de vivre and hope, and that your children can thrive. If you think that the change is hard, you're right....but staying in an unhealthy relationship is harder, if you ask me.
My finances are okay. My daughter is well. I love my job. I have hope for the future, and the present is pretty damned good too. If I was married, I don't think I'd be okay at all. So, you tell me, which is harder? I am so glad that I took that leap of faith, that I let my hope be bigger than my fear, and made the changes necessary to my happiness. It's not perfect, there is still much work to be done....but I'm well on my way.
*****
If you are struggling with the decision of how to leave, what questions do you have?
If you are divorced, what advice do you have to give to someone who is fearful of leaving even though the marriage is truly over?
I'd love to hear your responses. Thanks for reading!
*****
I believe that I am having a very successful divorce. My definition of success is this: even though my ex has not changed (he is not suddenly reliable, reasonable, etc.) in the divorce process, our interactions are more positive now than they were when we were divorced. Our daughter is thriving. I've pulled myself up by my bootstraps and I'm managing my finances. Most of all - I'm happy. So, well aware that it was difficult to get here, I'm sharing my lessons, the ones I learned the hard way, in the hope that they will help others to ease their journeys.
So - here's how I did it. If you're stuck, like my friend, here's what I recommend you do. It worked for me!
1. Learn everything you can about creating a sane divorce. My favorite book on the subject is The Good Divorce by Constance Ahrons. Dr. Ahrons is clear that divorce is not good, but some divorces are better than others. Her book is geared towards parents who wish to offer their children the best in a bad situation, and I think she is a calm voice in the often antagonistic world of divorce literature. Want to learn how not to divorce? Go to The Huffington Post's divorce section and read the comments for just about any post. It appears that 99% of the people there are miserable about the state of humanity in general. Listen to what they say, and decide to do the opposite of that!
2. Get very, very, very clear about what you want. I decided that I wanted to live in integrity and joy, and that every decision I made had to be based in those two things. Yelling at my ex, for example, is neither full of integrity or joy. Biting my tongue for the sake of our daughter does have integrity, and the resultant feelings it evokes in her give me joy. You think this is easy? Just try it - it's really, really hard. But the rewards are worth it, and it does get easier over time.
3. Learn how to communicate clearly, with healthy boundaries, and no attachment to your ex's response. This means keeping your voice calm, stating your needs very clearly ("When you do not show up on time to pick up our daughter, it hurts her feelings and also inconveniences me. Will you agree to be on time in the future?") Do not lecture (say one sentence clearly, then stop) and do not worry about their angry response (I often hear "You never asked me!" or "Nobody told me that!" when he flakes out; this, despite the fact that I have proof in email - with his responses - that this is not the case.). State your need clearly, then walk away. Know that their response is about their relationship to the world - they yell because they hurt or are angry in general, not because you're a bad person. Refuse to get sucked in to the drama. Refuse to play the game with passive aggressive responses, withholding information, your own surly tone. Be clear and reasonable.
4. Live in total integrity. Model to your ex how it is done. Be gracious. Make sure you reach out and inform him/her about details of your child's life. Smile and exchange pleasantries. Say nice things about your ex to the child/ren. Show up on time, communicate clearly, do what you say you are going to do. Give or receive appropriate child support, but do not ask for more than is reasonable, and don't forget to pay. Absolutely refuse to be petty. Do this for yourself if you can't do it for your ex.
5. Teach your friends and family how to manage your divorce. Refuse to ex-bash in public. Tell your friends and family that they are welcome to keep your ex in their lives, and assure them that as the mother/father of your child, you do not want them to become outcasts. Reach out to your inlaws and tell them that you are sorry it has come to this and that you will honor their son/daughter/brother/sister despite the marriage ending, and that you want them to be a part of your child's life. Tell them that you will be flexible about family birthdays and such because you want your child/ren to keep in close contact with extended family. CC: your ex on emails to teachers and doctors, and say directly "We're divorced but we like to work together for the sake of our child, so please include both of us" and smile as you say it. Don't put others in an awkward position, and show them you can handle it. It's good for you, trust me.
6. Help your child/ren do nice things for your ex. Buy birthday, Christmas, Mother's Day/Father's Day gifts or cards, or help them make gifts. Do this with a smile on your face, and plan it in advance. Be excited for your child/ren when they do something cool with your ex. "Dad took you to your favorite restaurant? Oh, that's great! Did you get a milkshake, too? Lucky girl, I know how much you enjoy that. That was sure nice of Daddy." Do this for your children because they deserve to show love for BOTH of their parents, but also do it for yourself, because it feels so good to see the relief and openness on your child's face when they realize it's still safe to love both of you.
7. When your ex totally loses his/her cool with you, say, "I can see you are very upset. When you want to talk calmly with me, I will welcome that conversation," and walk away.
8. Get out there and live your joy. You are getting divorced because your marriage made you miserable, so REFUSE TO BE MISERABLE. This is your life, so go do something about it. Get good sleep - it's incredible what a difference it makes. Eat healthy food. Get outdoors. Move your body. Reach out to friends. Do some volunteer work (nothing will humble you more, and nothing will fill your soul more - this is particularly true when you feel like your own finances are in shambles and your own life is impossible - give to a cause you believe in with your time, include the kids if you like, and you will be amazed at how much you get from the experience and how it will pull you out of your icky mindset). Go see some live music (or invite friends to create some together). Make art, whether it's paper snowflakes or a grand sculpture. Find a spiritual community (church, synagogue, meditation center, etc.) and get involved. Join a sports team, a sewing circle, a bookclub, or whatever floats your boat that makes you feel alive and connected. Notice something about my list? Nothing on it costs money. Stop using excuses as to why you aren't doing those things and how your life is too busy. All of our lives are too busy, but we choose what to be busy with. If you can't do the things that bring you joy, then ending your marriage isn't going to help you at all, it's just going to trade one set of misery for another.
9. Take care of your physical self. Wear the cute jeans, the t-shirt that fits well. Get some exercise to get your blood moving. Get a new haircut, or a pedicure, or some sexy underwear. Step up the way you dress a bit (I've grown fond of wearing heels for the way they make me feel feminine). A little attention - a door held open, a smile - from the opposite sex goes a long way on a bad day. A little bounce in your step from knowing you look your best will do wonders for your mood. Put in a bit of effort. On days when you just can't gather the energy to put in the effort, do it anyway, because those are the days it helps the most. Do not do this for anyone except yourself - you're not doing it to please others or to lure a new mate, you're doing it to feel good. And you have to feel good to keep the courage up to get through this.
10. Decide how much you are willing to give up to live your authentic life. I have a friend who told me that the day she realized that if she had to move into her parents' basement with her kids it was still worth it was the day she realized she needed a divorce. She is still happily living in her nice home with her kids (and she's divorced now), and never had to move, but her willingness to give it all up and to take a risk ultimately allowed her to move towards her best life. What do you want more: the Nordstrom card or your independence? The nice house, or a healthy life? What's more important to you: modeling healthy behavior, or signing up your kids for ski school? Make your decision and stick to it. It will hurt. But it will also pay off.
11. Take a leap of faith. If you know that your marriage is over, that you are utterly done, then end it. I told my ex that our marriage was over when I hadn't worked a full time job in nine years, and we were broke, and I had no idea how to move my life forward. I suggested living in the house (upstairs/downstairs) for 14 months, and we put a date on the calendar for him to move out. We started telling people we were divorcing, and that I was going back to work. It took me 10 months to figure out stable work (not without some ups and downs), and then the last 4 months I saved 100% of the income from my new job; he got half of it to move out, I got half of it to get my end of things together (buying some things to replace what he took, etc.). I had some heart attacks along the way, I was so scared that I would never figure out my life, and I certainly imagined living in my parents' basement, or working in a minimum wage job (humbling because of my education and work history)...but it didn't come to that. And having a date on the calendar sure lit a fire under me...I knew I *had* to figure it out, and so I did. A little dose of fear is a big motivator!
12. Remember that it gets better. If your marriage is ugly, as mine was, then you're already living in a form of hell. To get out, you have to trade one version of hell (the bad marriage) for another (the fear and uncertainty of change, financially and for the children)....but the difference is, this new version is temporary, and offers hope on the other side. Divorce IS hard. Sometimes it feels impossibly hard, actually. There were days, weeks, and months when I thought I'd never make it, and from what I hear, that's pretty normal. But the truth is that people make it all the time, that divorce is NOT the end of the world, and that you can come out on the other side filled with joie de vivre and hope, and that your children can thrive. If you think that the change is hard, you're right....but staying in an unhealthy relationship is harder, if you ask me.
My finances are okay. My daughter is well. I love my job. I have hope for the future, and the present is pretty damned good too. If I was married, I don't think I'd be okay at all. So, you tell me, which is harder? I am so glad that I took that leap of faith, that I let my hope be bigger than my fear, and made the changes necessary to my happiness. It's not perfect, there is still much work to be done....but I'm well on my way.
*****
If you are struggling with the decision of how to leave, what questions do you have?
If you are divorced, what advice do you have to give to someone who is fearful of leaving even though the marriage is truly over?
I'd love to hear your responses. Thanks for reading!
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Insistence and Persistence
This business of creating boundaries is hard work.
It comes as no surprise that since boundaries were a major issue in our marriage, they continue to be an issue in divorce. Yesterday's post is proof of that ongoing problem.
But I'm not giving up.
I sent a cordial but firm email stating my discomfort with Bryan coming in the house when I'm not there. Again.
He was snappy in response, and returned his key.
Here's what I learned from all of this:
I want him to behave well. I want him to do the right thing without me telling him what to do, I want him to be responsible, and I want him to acknowledge that I'm being reasonable, fair, and cordial.
And that may never happen.
I can not control his behavior, and I certainly can't make him be nice to me. Acknowledging that is something I've been working on for a long time because it is really hard on me when I go out of my way to be kind and fair and he still snaps at me: it feels like a breaking of the social contract, and I feel pained when I think I'm being kind and he is rude in return. I have protested too much "But wait....I said....what I meant was....can't you see...." and it has had no impact on his behavior except perhaps to further annoy him.
Well, that's changing.
He was annoyed that I insisted on boundaries. It stung a bit that he was annoyed....but it doesn't matter. I know that I was being fair, and reasonable. He owns his response, and really, it doesn't have a thing to do with me. I don't need to fear his responses any more, because he can take his bad mood to his own house where I don't have to tiptoe around it any more.
What I care about is that I behave with integrity. It would be nice if he responded beautifully to that, but ultimately, it doesn't matter to me.
This is not rocket science. This is Relationships 101, and I should have learned it a long, long, long time ago. Still, it feels like a giant revelation to me to FEEL this an not merely "know" it, and I'm excited by this progress.
I insist on boundaries. I will persist in giving out boundaries that I believe to be fair and reasonable. I will persist in feeling good about myself no matter what he thinks of me.
Now that is progress, don't you think?
It comes as no surprise that since boundaries were a major issue in our marriage, they continue to be an issue in divorce. Yesterday's post is proof of that ongoing problem.
But I'm not giving up.
I sent a cordial but firm email stating my discomfort with Bryan coming in the house when I'm not there. Again.
He was snappy in response, and returned his key.
Here's what I learned from all of this:
I want him to behave well. I want him to do the right thing without me telling him what to do, I want him to be responsible, and I want him to acknowledge that I'm being reasonable, fair, and cordial.
And that may never happen.
I can not control his behavior, and I certainly can't make him be nice to me. Acknowledging that is something I've been working on for a long time because it is really hard on me when I go out of my way to be kind and fair and he still snaps at me: it feels like a breaking of the social contract, and I feel pained when I think I'm being kind and he is rude in return. I have protested too much "But wait....I said....what I meant was....can't you see...." and it has had no impact on his behavior except perhaps to further annoy him.
Well, that's changing.
He was annoyed that I insisted on boundaries. It stung a bit that he was annoyed....but it doesn't matter. I know that I was being fair, and reasonable. He owns his response, and really, it doesn't have a thing to do with me. I don't need to fear his responses any more, because he can take his bad mood to his own house where I don't have to tiptoe around it any more.
What I care about is that I behave with integrity. It would be nice if he responded beautifully to that, but ultimately, it doesn't matter to me.
This is not rocket science. This is Relationships 101, and I should have learned it a long, long, long time ago. Still, it feels like a giant revelation to me to FEEL this an not merely "know" it, and I'm excited by this progress.
I insist on boundaries. I will persist in giving out boundaries that I believe to be fair and reasonable. I will persist in feeling good about myself no matter what he thinks of me.
Now that is progress, don't you think?
Monday, April 23, 2012
Seriously? I mean, SERIOUSLY?
I really want to be zen. I really want to sound like Molly from Postcards from a Peaceful Divorce. She seems to genuinely like her former husband, and she doesn't appear to feel a lot of rage. I'm not fond of rage, but I'm feeling it.
Two examples:
Today I came home from work; Bryan had picked up Katherine at school at my request, from her after school activity, so they'd been together less than two hours when I got home. (Remember, he's on the bench, getting paid to do nothing but sleep and play video games all day, which is all he does.) I arrived home full of determination to be sunny and kind, and since the weather was still sunny I said, "Hey! I was thinking we should get take-out and head to the beach for a picnic; would you like to come with Katherine and I?" This is much more polite and kind than I feel, but I'm working on a fake-it-til-I-make-it attitude. He said, "No, you go." Phew, relief. So I got the girl, said, "Grab some flip flops and let's go!" She said, "I'll put on a swimsuit," and I laughed and said, "No, no swimming...." and before I could continue, Bryan said, "Aw, come on, let her swim," and I said, "It's APRIL. In the NW. It's not that warm, it's just sunny, and I think swimming isn't reasonable." Katherine joined Bryan, "Mom, can't I? Please?" I repeated, "No, it'll just be a quick picnic, it'll be nice to be outside, but it's not warm enough to swim." Bryan went on, "Come on, let the kid swim!" As a matter of fact, he went on, and on ,and on, in front of Katherine. I finally got Katherine in another room and said, "Bryan, right now this is my call, and I say it's too cold for swimming and I'm not up for a freezing kid, I just want a quick dinner. I would appreciate it if you would not contradict me and argue with me right in front of Katherine, especially because it's my night with her and you're not even coming." He said, "I don't see what the big deal is." I said, "I don't believe it's good parenting to have conflict in front of her, and as you're not coming or at all involved with this situation, can you please stop arguing with me, especially in front of her?" to which he said, "Why don't you just let her go swimming?" ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Not sure if this represents cold beach Katherine, or me. You pick.
It was 64 degrees out and breezy, the sun was setting, we hadn't had dinner yet, and the ocean here is COLD. He wasn't coming, he wasn't going to get her through the bath when she got home all sandy and salty and seaweedy, and he wasn't going to deal with chattering teeth or cut feet from barnacles. My nice little spontaneous picnic - me in my work clothes, high heels and trenchcoat off, replaced with a jean jacket and flip flops over my work dress because I didn't have time to change - felt tarnished. Now, why did he have to do that?! Katherine and I had a great picnic anyway, with her running around in the grass, the dog getting picnic scraps, the sun setting over the water. So there. (insert head toss here)
And the other example, this one really gets me steamed. But not in a steamy hot way, in a fuming way. You know what I mean.
Katherine was in my room watching a funny cats video on my laptop (oh good grief, but it was only three minutes), and I was putting on my pajamas. Bryan walked directly into my bedroom, to which I said, "WHOA! I'm changing!" as I literally backed into my closet. He came in anyway! I said, "Hey, a little privacy!" and he snapped, "I just want to kiss MY daughter goodnight." I had to send him a terse little email called "boundaries" in which I reminded him that it was inappropriate for him to enter my bedroom, and UTTERLY inappropriate for him to do so when I was undressing. He wrote back "Understood," to which I refrained from saying "Then why are we having this conversation AGAIN?!"
I'm sure that both of these little exercises are him proving to me that I'm not the boss of him. I can not tell you how relieved I am that I am *not* the boss of him, but these little outbursts of his test my patience.
And since I'm on a roll, I'll share one more little passive aggressive piece of nastiness.
We got our tax refund - nicer than we expected - and so this weekend I said, "Our vacuum really isn't picking up the pet hair; I just vacuumed and look, the carpet looks terrible. Since we got our tax refund, and since we're going to need a second vacuum when you move out so that we each have one, I thought I'd got to Costco and pick one up. What do you think of that idea?" To which he replied, "It doesn't matter what I think, you'll just do it anyway." I said, "No, that's why I'm mentioning it, do you think it's a good idea?" to which he replied, "You don't care, you'll just do what you want," to which I replied, "I'm trying to understand what YOU want, are you saying you think it's a bad idea?" to which he replied "I didn't say that, but it doesn't matter what I think....." and that conversation could have gone on for another hour, I think, if at that point I didn't realize its futility and walk away. (I didn't go to Costco, or buy the vacuum. Still not sure what I should do on that count.)
In my sweet fantasies, the less steamy ones, The Guy would either say, "I think that's a great idea, go for it!" or "I don't think we should shell out the money right now," but either way I'd get a direct response.
Gratuitous picture that simultaneously makes me gag and reminds me what I want. I'll bet they're having a nice, reasonable, SANE conversation on that white sand beach.
So here's the deal, to sum it all up: I am fully aware that he is not going to change, and that unless I walk away from these weird exchanges, they would just continue like that until the end of time. It doesn't matter if I set boundaries, or try to agree upon a parenting style, or hold reasonable discussions about household expenditures, he will find a way to undermine me and blame it on me. I am walking away, because I don't want that in my life, and because I don't think it's healthy, and I don't even think it serves him, and I know it doesn't serve me. But living together, I just don't know how to get around these exchanges, and it sucks the bliss straight out of me.
All day, I thought, "I'm so glad I like my job!" and "I'm proud of the work I'm doing," and "It'll be so nice to picnic with Katherine," and "I love the sunshine," and "The salad I made for myself for lunch is delicious and healthy" and "My boss is a lovely woman"...and I was a right proper PollyAnna. I came home prepared to do chores, manage homework, clean up after Bryan without complaint or thought (because it's easier to do that than to have a repetitive argument about it).....but these little things just throw me over the edge.
I'm working on my good attitude, I swear I am. Maybe tomorrow I'll do better.
Two examples:
Today I came home from work; Bryan had picked up Katherine at school at my request, from her after school activity, so they'd been together less than two hours when I got home. (Remember, he's on the bench, getting paid to do nothing but sleep and play video games all day, which is all he does.) I arrived home full of determination to be sunny and kind, and since the weather was still sunny I said, "Hey! I was thinking we should get take-out and head to the beach for a picnic; would you like to come with Katherine and I?" This is much more polite and kind than I feel, but I'm working on a fake-it-til-I-make-it attitude. He said, "No, you go." Phew, relief. So I got the girl, said, "Grab some flip flops and let's go!" She said, "I'll put on a swimsuit," and I laughed and said, "No, no swimming...." and before I could continue, Bryan said, "Aw, come on, let her swim," and I said, "It's APRIL. In the NW. It's not that warm, it's just sunny, and I think swimming isn't reasonable." Katherine joined Bryan, "Mom, can't I? Please?" I repeated, "No, it'll just be a quick picnic, it'll be nice to be outside, but it's not warm enough to swim." Bryan went on, "Come on, let the kid swim!" As a matter of fact, he went on, and on ,and on, in front of Katherine. I finally got Katherine in another room and said, "Bryan, right now this is my call, and I say it's too cold for swimming and I'm not up for a freezing kid, I just want a quick dinner. I would appreciate it if you would not contradict me and argue with me right in front of Katherine, especially because it's my night with her and you're not even coming." He said, "I don't see what the big deal is." I said, "I don't believe it's good parenting to have conflict in front of her, and as you're not coming or at all involved with this situation, can you please stop arguing with me, especially in front of her?" to which he said, "Why don't you just let her go swimming?" ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Not sure if this represents cold beach Katherine, or me. You pick.
It was 64 degrees out and breezy, the sun was setting, we hadn't had dinner yet, and the ocean here is COLD. He wasn't coming, he wasn't going to get her through the bath when she got home all sandy and salty and seaweedy, and he wasn't going to deal with chattering teeth or cut feet from barnacles. My nice little spontaneous picnic - me in my work clothes, high heels and trenchcoat off, replaced with a jean jacket and flip flops over my work dress because I didn't have time to change - felt tarnished. Now, why did he have to do that?! Katherine and I had a great picnic anyway, with her running around in the grass, the dog getting picnic scraps, the sun setting over the water. So there. (insert head toss here)
Sadly, I do not own a single corset-topped dress. But you get the idea.
And the other example, this one really gets me steamed. But not in a steamy hot way, in a fuming way. You know what I mean.
Katherine was in my room watching a funny cats video on my laptop (oh good grief, but it was only three minutes), and I was putting on my pajamas. Bryan walked directly into my bedroom, to which I said, "WHOA! I'm changing!" as I literally backed into my closet. He came in anyway! I said, "Hey, a little privacy!" and he snapped, "I just want to kiss MY daughter goodnight." I had to send him a terse little email called "boundaries" in which I reminded him that it was inappropriate for him to enter my bedroom, and UTTERLY inappropriate for him to do so when I was undressing. He wrote back "Understood," to which I refrained from saying "Then why are we having this conversation AGAIN?!"
I'm sure that both of these little exercises are him proving to me that I'm not the boss of him. I can not tell you how relieved I am that I am *not* the boss of him, but these little outbursts of his test my patience.
And since I'm on a roll, I'll share one more little passive aggressive piece of nastiness.
We got our tax refund - nicer than we expected - and so this weekend I said, "Our vacuum really isn't picking up the pet hair; I just vacuumed and look, the carpet looks terrible. Since we got our tax refund, and since we're going to need a second vacuum when you move out so that we each have one, I thought I'd got to Costco and pick one up. What do you think of that idea?" To which he replied, "It doesn't matter what I think, you'll just do it anyway." I said, "No, that's why I'm mentioning it, do you think it's a good idea?" to which he replied, "You don't care, you'll just do what you want," to which I replied, "I'm trying to understand what YOU want, are you saying you think it's a bad idea?" to which he replied "I didn't say that, but it doesn't matter what I think....." and that conversation could have gone on for another hour, I think, if at that point I didn't realize its futility and walk away. (I didn't go to Costco, or buy the vacuum. Still not sure what I should do on that count.)
In my sweet fantasies, the less steamy ones, The Guy would either say, "I think that's a great idea, go for it!" or "I don't think we should shell out the money right now," but either way I'd get a direct response.
So here's the deal, to sum it all up: I am fully aware that he is not going to change, and that unless I walk away from these weird exchanges, they would just continue like that until the end of time. It doesn't matter if I set boundaries, or try to agree upon a parenting style, or hold reasonable discussions about household expenditures, he will find a way to undermine me and blame it on me. I am walking away, because I don't want that in my life, and because I don't think it's healthy, and I don't even think it serves him, and I know it doesn't serve me. But living together, I just don't know how to get around these exchanges, and it sucks the bliss straight out of me.
All day, I thought, "I'm so glad I like my job!" and "I'm proud of the work I'm doing," and "It'll be so nice to picnic with Katherine," and "I love the sunshine," and "The salad I made for myself for lunch is delicious and healthy" and "My boss is a lovely woman"...and I was a right proper PollyAnna. I came home prepared to do chores, manage homework, clean up after Bryan without complaint or thought (because it's easier to do that than to have a repetitive argument about it).....but these little things just throw me over the edge.
I'm working on my good attitude, I swear I am. Maybe tomorrow I'll do better.
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