Insistence and Persistence

This business of creating boundaries is hard work.

It comes as no surprise that since boundaries were a major issue in our marriage, they continue to be an issue in divorce.  Yesterday's post is proof of that ongoing problem.

But I'm not giving up.

I sent a cordial but firm email stating my discomfort with Bryan coming in the house when I'm not there.  Again.

He was snappy in response, and returned his key.

Here's what I learned from all of this:

I want him to behave well.  I want him to do the right thing without me telling him what to do, I want him to be responsible, and I want him to acknowledge that I'm being reasonable, fair, and cordial.

And that may never happen.

I can not control his behavior, and I certainly can't make him be nice to me.  Acknowledging that is something I've been working on for a long time because it is really hard on me when I go out of my way to be kind and fair and he still snaps at me: it feels like a breaking of the social contract, and I feel pained when I think I'm being kind and he is rude in return.  I have protested too much "But wait....I said....what I meant was....can't you see...." and it has had no impact on his behavior except perhaps to further annoy him.

Well, that's changing.

He was annoyed that I insisted on boundaries.  It stung a bit that he was annoyed....but it doesn't matter.  I know that I was being fair, and reasonable.  He owns his response, and really, it doesn't have a thing to do with me.  I don't need to fear his responses any more, because he can take his bad mood to his own house where I don't have to tiptoe around it any more.

What I care about is that I behave with integrity.  It would be nice if he responded beautifully to that, but ultimately, it doesn't matter to me.

This is not rocket science.  This is Relationships 101, and I should have learned it a long, long, long time ago.  Still, it feels like a giant revelation to me to FEEL this an not merely "know" it, and I'm excited by this progress.

I insist on boundaries.  I will persist in giving out boundaries that I believe to be fair and reasonable.  I will persist in feeling good about myself no matter what he thinks of me.

Now that is progress, don't you think?