Crazy, Brave, or Something Else?

This weekend I threw a sleepover party for Katherine's tenth birthday.  Ten friends plus my daughter spent an afternoon, night, and morning together.

My friends' response to this was nearly unanimous: they said either "you're crazy!" or "you're so brave!"

I may be crazy, and I may be brave, but this is proof of neither.

I absolutely love that my daughter has such rich, deep, meaningful friendships - she's known many of these girls for her whole life.

I absolutely love that these families trust me with their children.

I absolutely love that my home can (barely!) fit such an abundance.

I love that in a world of consumerist craziness, my daughter's idea of heaven consists of a row of sleeping bags sandwiched together in a basement, lots of giggling, and home made birthday cake.

I love that I am not sick, and so I can find the energy to host such a gathering.

I love that I have my own relationships with each of these children, and so they listen to me.  Some came up and asked to help make breakfast (chocolate chip buttermilk pancakes, sausage - vegetarian and meaty, fruit, juice) and they measured and chatted and sang along with Brandi Carlisle with me as we cooked.

I love that my house is decorated with streamers, balloons, and happy birthday banners (one of which has been used every year since Katherine was one - it used to say "Happy First Birthday" and I cut out the word "First" to keep using it).

I love that I was able to say "Yes" when my daughter asked for a sleepover party.

I love that I am fully capable of doing it on my own. (Never mind that I'm on my fourth cup of coffee just to survive.)

I love that when the parents showed up for pick up and drop off, they said things like "My daughter has such a great time here" and "your home is so warm and inviting."  My house is not among the nicest in my friend group (it may be in the bottom half), but somehow....we always end up here.  I love that.

I love that one of my dearest friends, whom I have known since college, who does not have children of her own, came to help me with dinner and companionship, helping me to dish up tortellini and make caesar salad, because she has a special relationship with Katherine, too.  Another friend popped in after her date with her husband, and we shared some wine and conversation and laughter.  Wonderful.

I love that I felt strong enough to invite Bryan to come by to celebrate with our daughter.  I love that he said that he had no desire at all to attend....and that his refusal reminded me that it is actually easier to do these types of things without his growling presence.  (If he'd have come, I would have been pleased at the support that he was offering our girl.  His loss.)

I love that my life looks like these simple pleasures, that I have not lost sight of it in the midst of the pain of cancer or divorce.  I love that I know how to suck the marrow from life.  I love that I know how to enjoy a crazy sleepover, that my home was filled with laughing children, that my daughter has that kind of joy in her life.

It's not about bravery or insanity, it's about joy.  And I love that best of all.

Cute, smart, and together

Wahooo!

This morning I had a coffee date with someone I started talking to online about a week ago.  My first really-and-truly-I'm-divorced-now date, so I believe it sets the tone, and....

It was great!

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not hearing wedding bells and I don't plan to drop my panties.  (Oh Lordy, what have I done?  Now if someone Googles "drop my panties" this site will come up.  Well, they'll be bored and they'll leave soon enough.)  But after a few real dud dates - guys that could not hold my interest for two minutes - it's absolutely lovely to meet someone and think, "Okay, this is the kind of person I can attract."

He's smart.  Kind.  Politically similar, similar world views.  An active dad.  Fit and healthy appearance.  Attractive.  Has his life together.

I'm going to wait to see if he contacts me again.  We didn't have sparks, as we stuck to "getting to know you" conversation, and at 8:30 in the morning over lattes for an hour it would be hard to know what might come next.  I know that I held my own, that it wasn't awkward, that I liked the way I presented myself.  I'm thrilled to think that maybe now I'm on the right track.

If he calls, he calls.  If he doesn't, he doesn't.  I will be okay either way, and this is not a make-it-or-break-it.

But if he calls, I'd go out with him again....for dinner!
(And, because the Universe likes me today, I also was contacted by another interesting looking gentleman.  Things are looking....fun!)

Reflection

This morning I woke up and it was gloriously sunny outside.

I love a good metaphor.

Like so many others, the new year is a time of reflection for me.  And this year, more than any in recent history, I have so much to reflect upon!  What a wild ride it has been.

This time last year, there was a grumpy man in my basement, I was unemployed and uncertain as to my next steps, and my daughter was in counseling for divorce-related anxiety that looked a lot like OCD.  My house was breaking down, and we were flat broke.

I couldn't see a way out.

This year, I am wrapped in hope.  It is shocking how much difference a year can make, one way or the other, and I am so hopeful that my current path will continue.  Katherine is thriving, giggling, excelling at school, and released from counseling because she's doing so well (and that OCD handwashing etc. is a distant memory).  My job is wildly successful, and paying my bills with enough left over to work on my dreams.  My basement is used for movie nights, guests, and yoga....because nobody lives in it.  My divorce is final in about two weeks.  I have a trip to Paris on the horizon, a girls' weekend planned.  My house is almost put back together (I suppose there will always be a few projects in an old house, but the big ones have been taken care of).

I dream of a love for the ages in 2013.  I was born a romantic, and I really believe in that kind of love, and in my ability to find it.  I'm a regular on OkCupid right now, and though most of the messages that I get are more amusing than anything else (no, you may not lick my feet; please tell me that your wife-beater shirt in your photo is ironic) there are some genuine guys mixed in with the crazies.

But here is the thing, and it's HUGE:  I don't need anything to change in order to be happy.

I do not need to lose weight. 
I do not need a lover.
I do not need a house on the water.
I do not need to win the lottery.
I don't need to be published.

If I found myself five pounds slimmer, in bed with my hot lover, in our waterfront home, with a million in the bank and a check from my publisher on the way, I'd be ecstatic.  Of course I would.  But the truth is that if none of that happens, ever, I'd still have a fantastic life.

The body of water that I run by every other day or so is magnificent.  My little job is satisfying.  I'm writing a bit here and there.  My beautiful, compassionate, amazing daughter is happy and healthy.  We do little adventures all the time.  At the drop of a hat, I can fill my house with friends and laughter.  I'm a member at an art museum and a science center, and I have so much fun going there.  The mountains around here call to me to visit them....and I do.  I'm going to Paris - how amazing is that?!  And my humble home is warm and welcoming and comfortable - it may not land in Architectural Digest, but there is something about it that is truly lovely.

Last night I went to a friend's home for a party.  I talked to new friends and old, I had a glass of wine, I laughed.  I wore high heels and a sparkly top.  And I left early to come home to bed, because all this early morning stuff makes me tired at night.  And I am so proud of that - because I didn't need to prove anything to anyone,  listened to my body, and I had a great time.  I left the party in full swing, but I left with a full heart.

2013 is my year. I can hardly wait to live it out.  I do hope for big, amazing, incredible love, with fluttering butterflies and tingles and soft sweet kisses on my neck that make me weak.  I am hopeful.  But I will not forget that even without butterflies and weak knees, I am blissfully happy, happier than I have been in at least a decade. I will not squander that happiness by trading it for longing for something out of my control; I will revel in it, accept it as the gift it is.

Happy new year to you.  If you are in the painful throes of divorce, if you are hurting and wondering how on earth you can claim your life in the midst of chaos, please know that if I did it, you can, too.  Keep swimming!

xoxo

Climbing the Pyramid

Maslow's, that is.

I have been fighting so hard for the basics for so long - fear over health, employment, losing the house, and the rest, that I have really been struggling.

Last weekend in my yoga retreat, the facilitator of the "dreams workshop" portion of events reminded us, through pictures and exercises and discussions, that it wasn't until we gave ourselves some nurturing that we could live up to our potential, creatively and purposefully.  I've thought about his words quite a bit in the last week or so, and realized that the timing for that workshop could not have been more perfect, because I have just broken free from the "safety and security" level of the pyramid, and shot up towards the top.

No wonder I feel giddy.

I was really prepared to sell my home - and Katherine's sense of home - if I couldn't get the refi.  And I've still not entirely adjusted to my new job and the belief of its security.  It's hard to move from cancer patient to post-cancer-life.  And I've been terrified of all that my life has done to my daughter, and of course there's DIVORCE, and all the rest.

But you know what?  The divorce has turned a corner: we've completed paperwork, and it's fine.  Our daughter is happy and secure.  I spent the Thanksgiving holiday with my inlaws (affectionately refered to as my exlaws), giving and receiving hugs, basting turkey, watching a movie, and feeling quite settled.  Bryan was there too, and the name cards at the table had us seated as a family, with Katherine between us.

And it was fine.  And fun!  I didn't feel angry, I didn't feel bitter, I felt.....fine.  Amazingly fine.  I know that our "family" time is good for our daughter, and I also know that at the end of the night I go home alone, and both of those things are such a huge relief.  I know that his behavior is not a reflection of who I am, and I don't need to cover it up or feel bad about it.  I don't expect him to be thoughtful, and when he's not, it's fine, because I'm not relying on him.

And my beautiful kitchen is just inches away from completion, and I feel so happy about my marble backsplash that I'm sure I've lost my mind, but I don't care.  Gazing at my giant double sink and pretty faucet, I could cry tears of gratitude.  My home isn't moldy, it's lovely, and it feels not only safe, but also pretty.

And my job....my job is going great.  How amazing is that?  Nine years out of the workforce, and I have actually pulled this off, and I love where I work and it pays the bills and I feel incredibly blessed.

So, up the pyramid I go.

*****

I have hired a personal trainer to come to my house once a week for six weeks at five in the morning.  Yes, five.  I know better than anybody how important health is, and I'm ready to seize mine.  I'm height weight proportionate, but I'm squishy and lethargic, and I'm ready for a burst of energy.  The idea is that the trainer will get me moving, and give me homework for the rest of the week.  I'm still frugal (I roped a friend into this with me, so we split the costs, which actually weren't too bad, surprisingly) and I know that spending the money will get me moving the rest of the week, too.

And I signed up for the Breast Cancer 3-Day next summer.  I'm ready to work on changing the world, and this cause means a great deal to me.   (How on earth can I raise $2400?  We will find out!  I've done it before, I can do it again.)  And I'm running the giving tree for my church - Katherine and friends helped me to set up the tree today and cover it with tags, and we hope to get gifts for 150 or more children again this year.

Charity work makes me feel alive.

And I'm committed to writing, and editing.  Still working on it, but I know I can do it.

And I'm still planning on Paris next summer.

And today I took the dog for a walk near the beach, and the sun sparkling on the water just made me gasp with how beautiful it was.

If I can do it, anybody can.  I started from a pretty low place, and I feel so incredibly alive and hopeful right now.  If I can do it, you can.  If you are in an ugly marriage with no hope of improvement, please, do what it takes to save yourself.  I have to tell you, I haven't felt this good in years, and you deserve to feel that way, too.

Need further convincing?

My daughter is doing better than she has in years, too.  No, she's not thrilled at the divorce, and nor do I expect her to be.  But she's doing academically well, getting along great with both parents, and by every definition is well adjusted.  She's in the other room right now making Christmas cards, occassionally calling out "how do you spell.....?" and singing along with Christmas carols on the radio.  At dinner tonight, she was so animated, talking to me of this and that, that her beauty caught in my throat.  She is happy, and she is well.  I never dreamed how she would blossom in the divorce, doing even better than before.

Self actualiztion?  Sure, why not.  It's a good goal.  I'm going to aim high.  And I'm going to lead the way for my daughter, teaching her that living down in the "seeking safety" part of the pyramid is no way to live, and that we both deserve better.

*****

I do not feel like I need a man to be complete.  I feel pretty darned happy.

But I also feel like this new version of myself, the one I'm doing JUST FOR MYSELF, is going to draw the kind of man I'd like to spend time with.

I don't know if my sailboat dreams will come true, but they might.  Right now, I'm working on my life with Katherine, making sure I'm living up to my potential, not relying on a man to furnish my happiness.  I'm very content to be alone right now, because I know it's giving me space to work on myself, and because I'm enjoying that process so immensely, and I don't want to lose my focus before it's entirely internalized.

But I think that handsome, kind, joyful, spiritual, together man, the one I dream of, is out there, and when I meet him I won't be all filled with self-doubts about my own ability to match him, to be worth his love.  I will bring my best self to the table, and he will see it for what it is, and he will love it, and me.

Sounds nice, doesn't it?  Stay tuned.  I think it's getting closer, even though I haven't had a date in months, and those were rather simple and exploratory and disasterous.  :-)  I'll know when the time is right, and I look forward to that.

But now?  Work.  Katherine.  And Christmas.  And climbing the pyramid, excited to see the view from the top.  I don't know how much farther it is to the top, but I know I'll get there.

Surviving versus Thriving

My refinance is complete, and my bank account reflects that.

I can not tell you what a relief this is!  My house repairs will happen, my financial picture is rosier, and I have room to breathe once again.  Maybe I can actually get some real sleep, all the way through the night, from the relief. 

I have been surviving lately, just trying not to drown.  I suppose that this was inevitable for part of the process - nobody ever says "my divorce was so pain free!" and there is good reason for that.  But still, merely surviving is not my style.  I have not worked this hard to be alive only to "survive" - I want to thrive.  I want to suck the marrow from life, I want to kneel in the grass in awe and wonder, and I want to carry the all the joy that life holds with me at all times.

I have high standards, clearly.  And I have had many people tell me that my standards are impossibly high, and then when I'm having a bad day, or week, or month, they tell me that my standards are making me miserable and that I ought to lower them like a normal person.

But I don't want to be normal.

I want an extraordinary life, and I am not settling for mere survival.  I am going to keep fighting to find the joys in my life.  The other day I stopped to smell a rose - a beautiful yellow one with a deep, old fashioned scent - that had not yet had frost, and the old cliche' came to me, and it reminded me that so few people actually stop to inhale fragrance in that way.  For fifteen or twenty seconds, I closed my eyes and breathed in its perfume, and it made me smile deeply, and it made me remember that there is beauty and joy in the world....but that you have to stop to find it.  How many times had I walked by that same rose without truly drinking it in?  How many people will actually stop for it - so beautiful and unexpected in the fall leaves?  I intend to be one of those who stops, and not just once.

The same people who tell me that my standards are too high, that life is full of challenges and that I can't possibly feel the joy I'm seeking, are the same ones who ask me "how do you do it?" and wonder aloud how come I'm so much happier than they are.


Here's the secret, the one they can't get.

I'm happier than they are because I decided to be.

I prioritize joy.  I refuse to give up on it.  When I'm in the dark, black hole of despair - we all get there sometimes - I don't stop seeking joy, even though I sometimes feel like I'm blindfolded in a snowstorm with no sense of home.  I just refuse to stop looking for happiness.....and that means that I find it.  I believe in it, so I just keep going.  It seems clear to me that though we all know that life has no guarantees, it pretty much guarantees that you won't get where you wish to be if you stop, so I keep going.

I can not remove life's obstacles (in case you've forgotten, cancer, divorce, and money woes are all on that list).  But in spite of them, there is joy, and I'm seizing it.

This weekend while my kitchen is being torn apart for my mini-remodel (a functioning dishwasher will cause nirvana-like bliss at this point; this is especially true today because yesterday I threw a trick-or-treating party with a dinner for 15 people and I still have dishpan hands as a result), Katherine and I are taking our dog and heading to the mountains for a night.  We're staying in a cheap hotel, but it's got an indoor pool, and it's in a gorgeous area.  Maybe we'll hike a bit, maybe we'll watch movies in the room, we'll certainly splash in the pool and hot tub.  Life's not perfect, but it doesn't need to be perfect.  I am going to get as much joy from my functioning dishwasher and new sink as any of the $100,000 remodels I've seen on HGTV, and I'm going to enjoy my cheap hotel as much as if it were five stars and world class.

Maybe one day, I'll get a "real" remodel or a five star vacation.  But I'm not waiting for "one day" to be happy.  It seems that the waves have died down a bit, and I can float in them.  Bliss.

I got a wife!

Remember how I said I needed a wife?  I am delighted to announce that I found one.  She's part time, and I have to share her, but I couldn't be happier.

Which is all to say that two friends and I are participating in an after school nanny share, and this weekend we hired someone.  She will met the girls at their bus stops, give them healthy snacks, help out with homework, take them to after school activities, and even help out with light housework and food prep.

Which means....I will come home to a daughter who is happy, healthy, well cared for, whose primary homework is done.  (I'll still do projects etc. with her, but this removes the nightly math worksheets from my routine.)  It means that sometimes when I walk in the door, the house will smell of something cooking in the oven, or the salad will be ready and so I can just throw something on the grill.  It means no more scrambling to ask friends for childcare favors.  It means that I'll get a bit of help with a basket of laundry or vacuuming.

Oh, glory hallelujah!  This is the best idea EVER!

To top it all off, I think she might just be Mary Poppins.  Fabulous references, very warm, incredibly articulate, college educated and supplementing a job working at a preschool.  And the girls, including Katherine, love her, and they think that she's wonderful and can't wait to be with her.  And she's an active person involved with social justice and she has healthy habits (non-smoker, likes to eat natural foods, very active) and has so much to offer....and she could even "talk the talk" about American Girl dolls.

Because it's a three-way share, I am only paying $70/month more than I would for the after school program at the community center.  She'll only be at my house 1/3 of the time, so only 1/3 of the days will have chore help or food help, but she'll be with Katherine every day (at one of the three houses).

The friends with whom we're doing the share are close in proximity, temperment, relationship.  The parents enjoy one another, and the girls enjoy one another.

I'll let my readers know how it works once it really gets going, but I am ecstatic that this looks like it's going to work out.  May we live happily ever after!

Reveling in the victories

I choose to revel in the victories, big and small.

Today I'm reveling because I had a good day at work.  Because I got up early and did some more chores to prep the house for tomorrow's party.  Because tonight I made a home cooked meal, fresh and simple and inexpensive and tasty.  Because I finally hung curtains across the back wall of the kitchen where the windows are large and the evening sun treats the whole kitchen like a greenhouse.  Because I gave Katherine my full attention when she talked to me this evening.  Because I'm following my tight budget and proud of my decisions (even when that means I'm the only one not buying a coffee).

And because tomorrow a dozen or more friends are coming over, and I'm so glad that I have such good friends, and that they're game for my sage burning bell ringing wine drinking party.

I am not afraid to revel in the small.  It's why I threw a last day of chemo party in the chemo ward, and it's why I found myself staring at a cake with boobs (stripper boobs, if you ask me) on it on the day my reconstruction was finished (with tattoos, by the way....boy do boobs look weird with no aereolas) at my finishing breast reconstruction party.  Katherine and I decided today that we might need to do some kind of summer party together, too - we're thinking Hawaiian themed luau (some kind of pulled pork and pineapple burgers.....potluck style to save money?).

Because life is short, and often painful.....but there is so much to celebrate.  I intend to make more time to celebrate than to mourn, and I don't care if it's big or small.  I was proud of myself for making the time to hang curtains.....in my work clothes, pencil skirt and all no less.  Ha!

I've been separated for less than two weeks, but so far, so good.  That calls for a celebration, don't you think?



What are you celebrating?  No matter how hard things are, what are you feeling proud of, and what small victories can you claim as you work your way towards larger victories?

Happy Tuesday, dear readers.  Be well!