Vulnerable

It has been over a year and a half since I asked for a divorce.
It has been almost a year since I landed at my current job.
It has been seven months since my ex moved out.
It has been one month since my divorce.

I'm feeling restless, and I'm not sure why.

Maybe it's because I live in a perpetual state of exhaustion. 

Maybe it's because I wish I had more figured out.

But I'm restless.

Really restless.

There's something missing.  What is it?  Is it wanting to move to the next level at work?  Am I mothering to the best of my ability?  Is it because I'm not writing? 

Am I lonely?

Damnit, I've worked too hard to be lonely.

And I sureashell don't believe that I need rescuing.  (Just for the record, I believe that hell is what we create when we don't live up to our own expectations.  Ironic, no?)

Except (anddont'youdarebreathawordofthistoanyone), I do feel lonely.  And I wonder if the 'something missing' is the smell of a man's neck.

I can't remember the last time I felt a strong chest under my cheek.

And you know what?  After a day of getting up at 4:30am and doing my damndest to be the best person-mother-employee-homeowner-friend I know how to be, and trying to squeeze in a bit of reading and pretend to Katherine that I don't just wish I could crawl into bed and nap for six days.... I just wish that I had someone at the end of the day to say, "You amaze me.  Come here..." and draw me into his arms.

Don't give me the feminist argument about how my opinion of myself matters more than finding a mate.  I believe that, I live that, I am that.

But today, I'm lonely, and I just wish I had someone to share all this with.

Rejection

All these posts in one day....

This evening I am contemplating rejection: both giving it and receive it.  I'm feeling like Mr. Chocolate's lack of response today is likely a rejection (especially because I logged into OkCupid and saw that he was online, but I haven't heard from him), and I've also handed out some rejection myself.

I've gotten used to rejecting strangers to the degree where it's not too hard: the creepy guys get ignored, the cut-and-paste intro messages get ignored; the thoughtful guys that still don't interest me receive a direct response that thanks them for their message, tells them it's not a match, and wishes them well.

But today I had to reject a nice man that I'd met in person - Mr. Vanilla.  He's one of the good guys, will likely make some woman a very nice girlfriend, but he isn't for me.  Some of it is timing - he's mourning the results of his divorce, and maybe it would be different for me if he were in a different stage of things.  But some of it is just pure chemistry, of which I felt none.

What is it with chemistry?  I can just feel it - before a word is spoken.  And I don't just mean good looking people or sexual chemistry...it's something else.  I've had chemistry with ordinary looking men, and I've had no chemistry with handsome men (although of course chemistry with a handsome man is very nice).  It's either there, or it isn't, and nothing I can do can create it if it doesn't exist in its own right.

(Case in point: Bryan.  I felt no chemistry whatsoever when I met him.  I created it.  Look how that turned out!  Great kid, terrible relationship.  I'm done having kids, so I think it's safe to keep to the guys who have chemistry now.)

I suspect that the silence, or even the hesitation, from Chocolate is that he's not feeling chemistry.  That's too bad, because he's the first person I've met in person where there was still chemistry, and it was very pleasant - not mind blowing, but pleasant.

But this post - bringing it back - is about rejection, and I have decided that chemistry and rejection are directly related.  I have turned down multiple "nice guys" because there just isn't chemistry, and I've been turned down online (and now perhaps here, in person, with Chocolate) because they don't feel chemistry with me.

And here's what I'm leading up to:

It's okay.

I would love it if everyone flocked to me and I got to pick anyone I wanted and have perfect chemistry, but let's face it, that would be very time consuming and I don't have that kind of time.  Chemistry is elusive, and that is what makes it special. 

I believe that rejection is just built into the process, and it eliminates the guys who do not see how wonderful and amazing I am.  Every single person on the planet deserves to be deemed wonderful and amazing - "a catch" if you will - and if a guy doesn't see me that way, then I don't want him in my life.  I don't want to date guys who think I'm "nice", I want to date guys who feel like I'm something really special. 

So, when someone rejects me, or I reject someone, the message isn't "you suck and you don't deserve love."  I think the message is, "I'm not the one - the chemistry isn't there.  Hold out for someone with whom you create sparks!"

I'm holding out for sparks.  A whole bonfire, actually.  No, the sun.  Supernovas.  Meteor showers.  Aurora borealis.  I want it all, and if I don't inspire anything close to a flame in someone, then they're doing a favor if they back off, because they're freeing me to find what I really want.  And when I "reject" a nice guy, I'm not dismissing his worth, I'm freeing him to find the girl of his dreams.  I know it's not me, because I'm just not that into him - and the girl of his dreams should definitely be into him.


Nobody likes to be rejected.  Not me, either.  But there really is something powerful and amazing in a rejection, as it's so much kinder than being strung along or accepting less than one deserves.

So, tonight, no Chocolate for me, and I've said goodbye to Vanilla.  Both of them stung a little - I'm not used to telling good guys that it won't work, I'm used to making things work with what I'm given - but ultimately, I'm pretty sure I'm on the right track.  It feels right....and that's its own kind of chemistry.

Boy Crazy

I am having an awful lot of fun being boy-crazy lately.  But my forty-something boy-craziness is very different that the boy-craziness of my youth - I think mostly because I have a sense of humor about it, and because none of my self worth is tied up in the results.

As I've mentioned here before, when I was younger I would agonize over men's responses to me.  If they didn't like me, I was sure that it was because I was flawed, unattractive, and unlovable: I thought I was unworthy of love, and that the fact that some guy wasn't into me was absolute proof of that.

Yuck.  And would you want to date someone who felt like that about him/herself?  I'm sure that the signals I sent out were needy....and worse.  I talked the talk, but I didn't walk the walk.  I chased after guys that I didn't even really like that much, because it made me feel good about myself (or at least less bad about myself) if they changed their minds and decided that they liked me after all.  Needless to say, that didn't create rock-solid foundations for relationships!

Worst of all, I had no idea I was doing it that way, and I would have argued  all day that I wasn't behaving that way.  I would have been wrong.

So, fast forward twenty years, and things are different.  I've had some pretty serious tests in my life, cancer first among them, and I know a thing or two about myself.  I wouldn't recommend cancer as a way of finding yourself, but I suppose that it's better than not finding yourself at all.  Cancer brought out all kinds of things in me, and I started to hear - round the clock, even when I wasn't doing anything to prove anything to anyone, merely trying to fight for my life and be there for my daughter - that I was an inspiration.  That I was strong and courageous.  That I was amazing.

After a while, I think I finally started to see it in myself.  It was that belief in myself that ultimately allowed me to walk away from my broken marriage, even though I didn't have a job, even though I wasn't sure how I was going to make it work.  I believed in my own abilities, and knew that I had what it took, even if I wasn't sure what "it" meant.

And it turns out all those things I learned about myself along the way are directly impacting my dating life now, and it's almost comical how the little light goes on in my head - self-knowledge - and how the world seems to notice it right away, and how things happen as a result of that.

I walked out of my divorce feeling twenty pounds lighter.  (I jokingly say 250 pounds lighter, corresponding to my ex's (over)weight....)  I didn't change anything on my OkCupid profile, but suddenly, corresponding to my feelings about dating, there are men all over the place.  Yesterday I got ten - TEN! - OkCupid messages, and several of them were actually from interesting guys.  (Attractive men who didn't leak all kinds of baggage across their profiles; literate men who appear to have interesting, together lives.)  I've been on the site for about a month, and never received that many messages in a day (excepting perhaps the first week when I was fresh meat on the website, and all the sharks smelled the blood in the water), and not from such high quality men.

Last week's coffee date didn't go anywhere, and I'm okay with that.  He was cool, as in not warm, in his interactions - didn't smile enough, didn't have any sparks, even though he was a really good man.  We exchanged a couple boring messages afterwards, and we both let it drop.  He sent the last message, and I didn't reply, because I don't need to chase anymore to prove anything to myself about my worth.

But my pheremones must be getting through the internet, because there really are plenty more fish in the sea.  I have a date tomorrow, and the possibility of two more on the horizon.  I don't hold much stock in them, and I have no expectations other than this: I'll learn how to talk to men.  I'll keep my dignity.  I'll try a new coffee shop or restaurant.  I'll learn a bit more about how people tick.  I'll have a good time, no matter how it goes.  If it clicks?  Wow - that would be cool!  But if it doesn't?  That's a-okay.

If I never meet Mr. Right, I'm still going to have a fantastic life.  And if I meet him?  Oh, that would be bliss.

So, right now I'm a little boy crazy.  I'm having so much fun checking OkCupid to see who has been checking me out, and reading their profiles, and choosing which messages I wish to reply to.  I'm a bit giggly about my dates, because it's just plain weird to be dating at this age, but my giggles are out of both the absurdity and the fun of it.

One day, I might meet someone worth a second date.

One day, I might even have sex again!

So pardon me if I'm just a wee bit boy crazy right now.

Cute, smart, and together

Wahooo!

This morning I had a coffee date with someone I started talking to online about a week ago.  My first really-and-truly-I'm-divorced-now date, so I believe it sets the tone, and....

It was great!

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not hearing wedding bells and I don't plan to drop my panties.  (Oh Lordy, what have I done?  Now if someone Googles "drop my panties" this site will come up.  Well, they'll be bored and they'll leave soon enough.)  But after a few real dud dates - guys that could not hold my interest for two minutes - it's absolutely lovely to meet someone and think, "Okay, this is the kind of person I can attract."

He's smart.  Kind.  Politically similar, similar world views.  An active dad.  Fit and healthy appearance.  Attractive.  Has his life together.

I'm going to wait to see if he contacts me again.  We didn't have sparks, as we stuck to "getting to know you" conversation, and at 8:30 in the morning over lattes for an hour it would be hard to know what might come next.  I know that I held my own, that it wasn't awkward, that I liked the way I presented myself.  I'm thrilled to think that maybe now I'm on the right track.

If he calls, he calls.  If he doesn't, he doesn't.  I will be okay either way, and this is not a make-it-or-break-it.

But if he calls, I'd go out with him again....for dinner!
(And, because the Universe likes me today, I also was contacted by another interesting looking gentleman.  Things are looking....fun!)

Resilience

Katherine is the most amazing person that I know.

Last night at dinner we were talking about our goals for the next year.  We discussed our upcoming trip to Paris.  She told me she wants to make things to sell on the internet to raise money for animal shelters.  (Anyone have a clue how to set up Ecommerce for a ten year old?!)

And I offhandedly said, "Well, since last year wasn't our favorite, this year will be better."  And then, fearful of her response but needing to know anyway, I said, "Was the day we told you that we were getting divorced the worst day of your life?"

"Hmmmmm," she replied, "That was bad.  But the worst day was every day in the second grade in the afternoons when I had to sit at that table with those horrible boys who kept distracting me and making it so hard to get my work done!"

I was skeptical.  She's emotionally intuitive - perhaps she was protecting me.  "Are you sure?" I asked, giving her that "Mama knows!" look.  She laughed at me.  "Oh, Mom, you worry too much.  I'm fine.  Why do you always worry about me?  And those boys were SO ANNOYING!  That was much worse."  And then she changed the subject - back to how to help the animals.

When I think about all of the things that have happened to me in my life, good and bad, this incredible child is at the top of my list.  I have certainly tried to model resilience to her, but this, this is beyond my hopes.  My heart is bursting with pride, amazement, and such dreams for our future together.

I really believe that she's okay.  Her dad has only been moved out for six months, and she is thriving.  She is joyful.  The is hopeful.  She's firmly grounded in the present, and she's got plans for the future.

Ahhh, that makes my heart sing.

*****

On another note, interesting community-college-professor-dad and I are off the table.  We are on opposite kid schedules, and that isn't going to change.  Dating in my forties sure IS different than dating in my twenties!  What's more, I feel like I'm bored to death with online dating already, and I haven't even gotten started.  Ah well.  I like that it's low stakes for me, so no matter what happens on the dating front, all is well.  :-)

Online Dating

I remain at home with a stomach bug.  Disgusting - so not how I want to spend my time!

So, bored and restless, here I am.

I'm also hanging out on OkCupid, which is predictably boring during work hours.  But that place, while mend-bendingly weird, is also kind of fun for me.  I haven't had this much male attention since....well, it's been a while.  A long while.  And I'm fully aware that pixels do not a relationship make, and that none of this feels particularly real.

But here is a list of dealbreakers for me.  Gentlemen, avoid these pitfalls, and you might actually get some responses to you messages.

The easy ones, the cliches that are the joke of dating sites:
- The picture in the bathroom mirror.  Please. Just.  Don't.
- The shirtless ab photo.  If I wanted to see naked abs on guys I never intended to meet, I'd hang out on the Abercrombie website.  It just makes me think you're shallow and terribly unaware of what women want.  Well, what I want, anyway.
- The text-message style illiterate.

But here are a few more, just to amuse you:
- If you live on a different continent, I don't intend to date you.  Or get you a Green Card.
- If you are looking for a girl who believes that men should be the heads of household and that contraceptives are immoral, then why are you contacting a self proclaimed lefty liberal feminist?!
- No, you may not lick my feet.  Thanks for saying "hello" before you asked, but no.
- One message said, and I quote, from beginning to end, "your cute larry."  Actually, Larry, you're not mine, and you're not cute.  (Were I to have replied with that, I don't think Larry would have understood my joke.)
- Cut and paste messages or the word "hi" don't exactly get me all atwitter.
- In my profile I mentioned that I was a cancer survivor.  But the line in an intro message to me, " I want to eat your cancer when you turn black," was really, really creepy.  What does that mean?!
- Any message that tells me I'm sexy, hot, beautiful (usually with at least three adjectives) and nothing else is not getting a response from me.  Does that work on anyone?
- One gentleman contacted me and said he was too old for me (true), but he knew how negative men on these sites could be, so he wanted to tell me I had a nice profile.  Was this an attempt to give me sympathy?  Uh, sorry, but I've got plenty of attention here, I don't need your sympathy.  (Besides, Larry likes me, and some guy wants to lick my feet. So there.)
- Where on earth on my profile did I show a cougar?!  Guys almost 20 years younger....wow.  Same goes for guys 20 years older.  I'm sorry, I'm apparently not that open minded.
- I am happy for you that you and your wife have an open marriage.  But I don't want to be a part of it.
- I am sorry that your wife isn't good in bed.  I'm glad that you like her.  No, I will not sleep with you.  Please give me your wife's number so I can call her, I think there is something she'd like to know.

And this just in:  not a deal breaker but it cracked me up.  One question is about your relationship to your parents, and in the guy's response he said he liked to immolate his parents.  I'm pretty sure this is a spelling error and not a crime, but it made me laugh.

The good news?  There are nice guys out there.  Guys whose profiles do not scream "I am psychotic!" or "Heeeeey baby wanna doooooo it?"  Guys who are single fathers, who have jobs, who have outside interests.  Guys who are stumbling around trying to find joy, and peace, and meaning.  Guys who have their acts together, guys who show a picture of themselves hiking or waterskiing or on their snowboard, and a picture of themselves with friends around a table, and another on a travel adventure, and maybe one at the pumpkin patch with their kids.

I've yet to me the guy that curls my toes and makes me want to take it to the next level - I am just not having the "oh, he's cute" reaction to profiles.  There's one guy I've been "talking" to for a couple of days - a community college professor, a dad, a world traveler.  I can't decide if there are sparks.  But if there are, there are, and if there aren't, there are more fish in the sea.

I have to say, it is veeeerrrrrry different dating now than when I dated 20 years ago.

For one thing, this online thing is very handy.  There is no way I'm going to college parties, and the parties that I go to now often have a movie playing for the kids somewhere, and I'm the only unmarried there.  I have never been a good bar-girl - I'm highly suspicious of meeting inebriated strangers.  (Maybe I was listening to my mother after all.)  And searching for soul mates while home with the stomach flu and wearing my bathrobe - well, it's pretty convenient!  I can screen out the guys who say they're looking for casual sex - now that is really convenient - and the ones who profess great love for television shows but not actual life.  I can screen for politics (really, if you didn't vote for Obama, twice, then we are a very bad fit), and religious fanatics.  All very helpful.

But the rest of it is confusing.  How will I find time to date?  Still haven't figured that one out, and community college dad is on opposite weekends from me with his kids, so I may not be figuring out with him.  And how can I screen without being super shallow?  I get to see a couple of pictures, but I can't tell how real they are (last weekend's tea date was clearly showing me old photos - much thinner, younger photos).  I care about more than looks....but should I really screen out everyone under six feet tall?  I'm tall, and I am attracted to tall guys....but where do I draw the line?

Maybe I'll be able to meet real men one of these days, and maybe I'll figure out online dating.  But the beauty of all this -besides bathrobe flirtations - is that I am under no illusions that this has anything to do with my self worth.  When I get picked up on by lots of guys, it doesn't mean anything, and when I get ignored by someone, it doesn't mean anything.  My self worth has nothing to do with what random strangers on the internet think of me, and that, my friends, is a beautiful thing to know.

Gut checks

So my online flirtation has continued with phone calls, emails, and online chatting.

So much fun to flirt!  A few suggestive comments, and I can practically see him trying to crawl through the wires to get to me.  It's a sensation of power and fun and desire and plain old lust, and given that I'd practically forgotten that I had all that in me (by necessity), it was a fabulous reminder that I am still a sensual being, and that I've still got it.

But of course, there's a problem.  Oops.

I have no idea what the heck I'm doing, and that is clear.  I'm making this up as I go, learning along the way.  I didn't go too far down the innuendo path, but I went far enough.  And it was super fun.

But...

I am just not into sexual innuendo with a stranger on the internet.  It's a persona that I was trying on, and it is just not me at this phase of my life.

But it's worse than that.

He really likes me.  He's got a hunch that this is something special.

And he uses the word "to" when he should say "too" and this is a small and ridiculous thing but it makes me insane.  (Ex English teacher here.)  I can't decide if I'm physically attracted to his pictures, but I'm starting to lean to 'no.'  I think he might be more of a party boy than I ever will be, even though he's also a dad, business professional, etc.  Something's off - I think he's a great person, deserving of great love....but he's not for me.

And then it came out that he's a "fiscal Republican."  This is better than if he was a social republican, but it's not great for me.  I have Republican friends and family, and I love them, but there are always places we can't go in discussion, things we have to dance around, and I really don't want that in a partner.  I don't think I can date a Romney supporter, even though I have Romney-voting friends.  (Fewer in number than my lefty-liberal friends, but still...)

I'm looking for a guy who will sit around with my uber educated, lefty liberal friends, and fit right in.

He's right.  We were clicking...

Except that I was getting swept up in it all, instead of listening to my gut that it isn't quite right.  I have a talent for it, and back in the day when I was dating, I had a number of men who were convinced that I was the one for them, and when they told me so I was shocked they thought it was a good match.  This isn't my guy.  He's a good guy, a breath of fresh air after Bryan, but he's not for me.

So, I've got to get out of this awkward situation.  I've agreed to a date, and I'm not going to go.  And I feel bad, because I've lead him on, except that I wasn't leading him on, I was just trying to find my way, and I thought it was all good, except then I got sudden clarity.

I wish I'd listened to my gut a few conversations ago, but better now than in the wedding dress.  (Yes, that is how it went with Bryan.)  I think that this gentleman will not be thrilled with my rejection, and it may catch him off guard, and I feel bad for that....but better now than later, because it won't get any easier.

Shoot.  I have to put on my big girl panties and end it before it started.  I'm learning - but not all of the learning is fun!

An Online Flirtation

As I've mentioned here, I signed up before with an online dating service, and then realized I wasn't ready.  What I didn't mention before is that my profile hadn't garnered much interest; as my confidence is generally pretty high, I just blew it off as the crazy online world, and I didn't think much of it.

Well, the times they are a'changin'.

I'm in a good place.  My life is going well, and I'm proud of myself and my accomplishments.  I think I really AM ready to date, and that I know what I want.  This must have come through, because oh-my-goodness I am getting a lot of attention!  Seriously, this is the best ego boost ever.  Multiple gentlemen contact me every day, and more "favorite" me, and my email is abuzz with new messages from OkCupid.

It is really fun.  I won't lie, I am absolutely lapping it up.  My friend said that I was like Scarlett O'Hara at the picnic, with gentlemen all around me, and I could point to them and say, "And YOU may get my dessert..." and though I am as un-Scarlett-like as they come, I giggle at the image.

Most of the gentlemen are a very, very, very bad fit for me.  Some must be cruising for green cards (Sri Lanka?  Saudi Arabia?  No thank you.), some are cruising for casual sex, some are looking for cougars (23 years old means you were born when I was 20!!!).

Some are men who are likely very nice guys, genuine and kind, but just not a fit for me.  I reply to those ones: the ones who actually read the profile, responded to something that caught their attention, and then tell me a bit about themselves.  If they took the trouble to reach out to me and compliment me, the least I can do is respond. I thank them, and then tell them it's not a match, and wish them well.

(Thank you to Marni Battista at Dating With Dignity for advice on how to handle this stuff with integrity.  I'm not associated with their website at any level, and I've never paid for their services, but I think that Marni's advice is spot on and I'm following it.  See the link on the side under links I like... )

But then there are the interesting guys.  Enough of a physical spark from the pictures (I don't need a supermodel, but a little "oh, he's cute" is a good start), and then a deep interest in the profile.  A little cruise of the questions to see if our values align....and a conversation begins.

I've been invited out on multiple dates.  After chatting a bit, one guy inadvertantly revealed a bit of a temper, and I quickly bowed out.  I'm moving slowly with a couple more - it's easy to buy myself a bit of time over the holidays, because I'm booked with holiday events with my daughter, and I'm not lying when I say it has to wait until January.

So, I'd say it's going swimmingly.  I'm putting myself out there, and the Universe seems to be saying "I approve.  Keep going!"

But there's this one guy.  Twinkles in his eyes.  Active.  Professional.  Dedicated father.  Playful.  Intriguing.  And totally into me!  We have a date and location on the calendar, and I'm looking forward to it, and actually wishing I wasn't so busy so that we could do it sooner.  We've graduated to the telephone, and I like him more, not less, as a result.

I Googled him, too.  He is who he says he is, and I like that.  I like it a lot.

It feels a bit like having an imaginary friend, conversing with someone I've never met.  I could get really into this guy, in theory, but I'm taking it reeeeaalllly slow, following my own sense of timing and such, listening to my gut.

Merry Christmas to me.  2013 is going to be a great year!

Well!

My divorce will be final in less than a month - all that is left to do is get the judge's signature (and then go to the trouble to change my name on every account).

So, last night I decided it was time to window shop a bit on a dating site.  OkCupid is free, and that felt very low risk, so I created a profile, and then sat back.

Messages have been coming in all night and morning, and it's very flattering.  Of course, I'm not interstested in a love relationship with a 29 year old living in Sri Lanka, and I'm not likely to change my views on contraception, homosexuality, and politics the way one kind man hoped.

But mixed in with the crazies are a couple of genuinely interesting guys.  I chatted online with one last night for perhaps 20 minutes, and it was....lovely.  Normal.  Slightly flirtatious, but not over the top.  He seems like an all around good guy, a great dad, an interesting person.  (I ended it to go to bed at a reasonable hour.  Look at how I've grown!)

My twenty year old self would be planning the wedding.  My more-than-forty year old self merely wonders if we will chat again.  (I think we will.)  He asked me to meet some time soon, and I said not until after the holidays, because that is what I'd written on my profile (I said I was window shopping until then), and because that is what works for me.

It's almost time.  And I'm excited.  I "have" to do this to find the life I want....and you know what?  It might actually be fun.  Last night was a good start, anyway, and I'm glad for that.

We'll see!

Thriving and Exhaustion

Okay, dear readers, I need some help.

With some crises firmly behind me, I'm working hard at thriving.  I'm trying to live my best life, fully aware as I am that I only get one life, and that there is only the present.  "Tomorrow" is not time to be happy, or to get things done.  Today is the only day.

So, with that in mind, I'm exercising again, hoping that it will give me an extra boost.  I'm getting up at 4:45am most days in order to exercise from 5am-6am, because there really isn't any other time of the day except bedtime, and by then my motivation is shot AND I really want to wind down, not amp up.  From 6am to 9pm, my minutes are booked with mothering and working and basics like making dinner, so 5am it is.

I feel great.  And I feel awful.  It hurts to laugh, which makes me laugh.  I'm pleased that I've made the commitment, and that I'm following through.  I roped two girlfriends into joining me - which wasn't difficult, because I said "here's what I plan to do" and they asked if they could join me - so in the morning when I'm lying in bed hearing the alarm, there's no chance that I will turn it off and go back to sleep, because they show up at my house 15 minutes after the alarm goes off.  We either work out in my basement or go for walks around the neighborhood; I don't feel comfortable driving to the gym because that would mean leaving Katherine alone in the house.  (For some reason I am okay with the walks around the neighborhood, because I'm closer and on foot...  Katherine knows when I'm doing a walk, and I always have my phone with me, and she's fine with it....plus she's sound asleep at the time.  She's nearly 10 and very responsible, but I still only feel kind-of okay with it.  In any case, I've decided that I must make peace with it, or never work out, and since I really want to be my best self, I must move this body of mine.)

But here is the dilemma.

My day is now booked from 4:45am to 9pm when Katherine has lights out and I fall into my own bed and am asleep the second my eyes close.  That would be fine, except that I don't know when I have time to do the deep living that I desire so much.  When can I write?  When can I sit on the sofa holding a hot mug of tea and staring at the trees outside?  When can I go to a play, a movie, or dinner with a friend?  When can I deliver a meal to a sick friend?  When can I put up the Christmas tree, go holiday shopping, or create holiday cards and send them?

I do not want to hear that I just have to let it all go.  It is all well and fine to work out, get homework done, eat decently, and pay the bills with my job, but I want, deserve, and NEED more.

How on earth will I date with a schedule like this?  My divorce is final in mid-January, and by spring I'd like to put myself out there, meet some interesting people, have some adult conversation (ranging from politics and art to the other kind of "adult" conversation, eventually), and take some steps towards meeting someone that I could spend the rest of my life with.  But how can I fit it in?  By 9pm I just want to sleep!

Last night I saw the movie "Lincoln" - a beautiful film that had me on the edge of my seat, holding my breath, hoping and hurting when it looked grim, even though I knew the outcome.  (Slavery is ended in American forever - hurrah!  Lincoln is shot, nooooo!)  It was something I'd been hearing people rave about, and I was excited to go, and to spend time with an old friend.  But the problem is that it's a two and a half hour film, so I didn't get home until close to midnight, and so today I feel like I have the flu and I just ran a marathon and my head doesn't work properly and I feel clumsy and out of sorts....and I'm at work today (and blogging here, but not feeling too guilty because I'm salaried and putting in extra time) because I'm trying to catch up since Katherine is at her dad's and this is our busy season.

It shouldn't make me feel like this to simply push myself to go to a movie and sit in a chair staring at a screen.  It really shouldn't.

So, dear readers, please tell me how you do it.  Encourage me, please.  Is this feeling because I'm just waiting for the exercise high to kick in, and it's still too new and my body hasn't adjusted?  I am not the only single working mom who exercises, and surely the others out there find time for girlfriends and dates and movies.... sometimes?  I have a ton of creative energy right now, ideas flying through my head left and right, but I honestly do not know when to sit down for long enough to sort them out.  Where is the "living" time, where I get to thrive and pursue dreams, and not just make it from day to day with relatively clean laundry?

Suggestions?  Ideas?  Encouragement?  I refuse to merely survive.  I just refuse it.  I intend to thrive, all the way.  I know if it was easy, everyone would be doing it, and the world would be a different place.  But I am convinced I can do better, that I can keep tweaking my life to give it the shape I dream of.

Advice?  Ideas?  I can't wait to hear from you!

A shift in the breeze

I feel a change in the wind.  It's subtle, no gusting hurricanes but rather a little ripple on the lake where just moments before it was still.

I'm thinking about men.

So far, I'm just thinking.  I don't seem to have time or energy to do much outside of my work, my daughter, and my home, all three of which are all consuming.  I am not working out right now and feeling the sluggishness of that, in addition to the sluggishness of a thyroid run amuck.

But I'm thinking....

My finances are coming under control.  They have a direction, and that direction is positive.

My home is coming under control.  With a refi, I'm going to be able to do some necessary repairs.

Katherine is doing great. 

My job is positively, unbelievably great.  Not only does it pay the bills, but I enjoy it.

My head is in a pretty good place.  I'm proud of myself for dealing with what needs dealing with in my life, and for owning my mistakes, and for doing my best to make my life its best.  Aside from one major cancer freak out where in the space of five minutes I convinced myself that death was imminent, the gremlin in my head that says "it'll never work" is mostly pretty quiet these days.  The gremlin that says "you're a fraud, and you're not worthy..." merely whispers every now and then, and has stopped shouting.

Friends and family, all in good working order.

Self care, improving.

And perhaps because these things are in order, I find myself wondering about love, romance, dating: men.

I clearly don't need someone to rescue me.  Look at me, rescuing myself!  And I don't need a co-parent; I do a great job on my own, and Bryan is improving.  (Katherine is with him on vacation, and they're having a great time.)  I hired someone to help with the yard when it became clear that I couldn't manage it well, and I managed to get the car fixed without any input.

But I don't want a man in my life to complete me, or to fix me, or to rescue me, or to take things down from high shelves, or to do my dirty work.  I don't want a man to pay my bills, or to keep me safe.

But I think I'm starting to want the company of a man, or men, again.

When I went to the doctor to discuss my thyroid issue, I brought up the issue of sex after divorce.  I pointed out that I have only had one sexual partner since 1995 (and I think it's fair to say that I've been re-virginized in the divorce), and that I don't know much about navigating the landscape of a new sexual partner.  We talked a bit about awkward STD conversations (and I got a list of possible symptoms that made my eyes water - yikes) and staying safe, and I pondered out loud that I didn't know if I wanted to have some fun to blow off steam or if I was looking for partner material right out of the gate.  I know I'm "safe" given my own history and clean bill of health, but that list did take some of the fun out of the prospect of playing around.

As much as I'd like to have some fun - did I mention it's been a while?! - I think that for me it's not nearly as fun if there isn't an emotional connection, a deep one.  Not only would I enjoy some naked romping - who wouldn't?! - I'd love some long beach walks at sunset.  (Hey, don't laugh.  I live in a beachy area on the west coast, where the sunsets are spectacular.)  I'd love a partner to see plays and movies with.  I'd love a hiking buddy, and I'd like to get into cross country this year in addition to my regular snowshoeing, and it would be great to have a handsome man to drive into the mountains with, listening to NPR or music or flirting.  I'd love to meet someone after work on my non-Katherine days, perhaps for a glass of wine at the great French restuarant down the street from my office - I want to wear high heels and a skirt and enjoy the attention of a man.

And in the middle of it all I'd love a man to lean over, look me straight in the eyes, and kiss me slowly.  Mmm hmm, I'd like that a lot.



I'm not sure what I'm going to do about any of this yet.  Online dating seems, well, tired.  I'm not opposed, but I'm not sure that all of those lists and questions are the way to find an interesting person.  And I hang out with women, and the husbands of those women, and have few to no single men in my life.  I don't really want to wait until the divorce is final - that takes so long! - but wonder if I ought to.

So, more questions than answers; on the subject of men, I have very few answers, actually.

Well, I do have one answer.  I know this much:

I value myself, and any man I meet needs to value me, too.  I need to respect the men I date.  I'm not a one night stand.  I'm interested in exploring bodies more slowly than that, in tandem with exploring the whole person.  This may be a problem in a society where women who do not put out by the third date are considered prudes, but I'm okay with that.  (Okay, but possibly lonely!)  I am a strong woman, and I want a strong man.

No action on my end - I'm not 'putting myself out there' yet.  I thought I'd wait a full year after Bryan moved out to begin dating, but maybe not. 

But the idea of that kiss, on a beach or in a restuarant..... mmmmmm.

Not ready to date

A little follow up.

After my coffee date - still considered a success because I put myself out there and kept my dignity - I decided that I'm just not ready for any of that.  I deleted the OkCupid profile that I'd had for a few months, and the Match.com one that I never paid for but used to see what else what out there, and I decided that I am just not ready.

Table for one, please.

I wish I was, but I'm not.

Why it's better to be older

This morning I woke up reflecting on my coffee date, and feeling pretty darn smug about it.

I mean, sure, the date itself was a dud, and there is no potential relationship there at all; but still, it was a wild success.

It was a wild success because I didn't leave my dignity there in the coffee shop.  It was a wild success because I enjoyed myself, even while having coffee with a stranger.  It was a wild success because I walked away thinking, "Hey, I can do this!" and not "OhmyGodnobodywilleverloveme!"

When I was twenty(ish), every possible first date could be The One.  Every word was fraught with meaning, and those meanings indicated my own worth.  When I was twenty(ish), a date like yesterday's would invoke fears like, "Is this all I will ever get in life?" and "Will anybody ever really like me?" and "Is this what I need to settle for?" and "What's wrong with me that even a guy I don't like doesn't seem to be into me?"

It's a totally different story now.

At forty(ish), what someone else says is a reflection of who they are, and not who I am.  A bad date is not an indication of my entire future, only of the present moment.  I don't have to lose myself in someone else's view of me, and whether one stranger likes me or doesn't is totally irrelevant, especially when I've already identified that we don't have a lot in common at a deeper level.  I can interpret his words differently - when he talks about "being middle aged" he's feeling bad about his own life, and I don't really care what he thinks about mine....I feel young and vibrant, and I'm sorry that he doesn't feel that way about himself, but it's not about me.

At twenty(ish), everything was about me.  At forty(ish), very little is about me.  I am more aware that people are wrapped up in their own heads, their own small dramas, their own perceptions about the world, and that usually their good and bad days don't have one thing to do with me.  At forty(ish), I take a lot more responsibility for how I feel, and for how I respond.

Here's what I hope that the man across the table saw yesterday:
I love my life.  I am kind and polite.  I'm opinionated but not bossy (there is room for someone else to have an opinion, but I don't feel a need to be silent when I disagree).  I smile a lot.

Whether he thought I was hot or not, whether he thought I was successful or not, well, sure, I'd like him to think I'm all that.  But in the end, I know who I am, and my opinion of myself doesn't rest on his opinion of me.  And that's good, because he was a nice enough person, but I don't want his opinion of himself to rest on mine of him (which could be summed up in a yawn - ouch!).

Ahhh, I've come a long way.  And it feels good.  So, thank you to Mr. CoffeeDate, for reminding me of all that.

A little like a dentist appointment

I had my coffee date today.  It was a bit like a dental cleaning: it felt clinical, and while it wasn't painful, it was uncomfortable.

He gave me a little talk about how middle age is where you've either made it, or you haven't, and if you haven't, you're screwed.  How delightful.  He did buy our coffee and treats, but he didn't tip the server.  There won't be a second date.  (The first half of our date I nodded and acted rather pleasantly.  The second half of our date I said, "Well, I disagree..." a fair amount.  I don't imagine he'll be asking me out, either.)  It was most definitely not a match.

BUT....

I'm really glad I went.  I hit my goal by going: I met a nice (if not good for me) guy, we shared some banter, I maintained my dignity - no major gaffes - and we all left intact.  It's good practice for me, and that is all I wanted or needed.  My soul mate will wait for me, and this clearly wasn't him.

Dating baby steps

My toe is in the water.

I gave out my phone number, and accepted a phone call from a gentleman I met online.

It was awkward, but I just went with it.  He talked a lot about himself.  I let him lead.  I had things to say, too, and I think I carried my end of it pretty well.  I don't feel sparks, but he does seem like a nice guy.  It must have been okay, because we talked for an hour! 

We're scheduling a coffee date.  I don't have high expectations for it, but I do think it's good practice.  I think I'll like him in a general way, though at this point I don't have any sparks.

And I have a coffee date with someone else scheduled for Wednesday - someone possibly more interesting!  I haven't spoken with him, as we're just leaping straight to coffee, but I like his online profile.

Right now, all I can imagine are a couple of coffee dates, nothing more.

But it's good to be back.

Flattery

So it's been about a week since I put up an online dating profile.  This has been a very good way to get some practice chatting with men, and it's been very good for my ego.

Some disclaimers:
Wow, there are some weirdos out there.  Serious weirdos. 

The attractive, interesting, together guys are outnumbered by the insecure, messed up, not-attractive-to-me guys by at least 20:1.  This is okay with me, though, because I'm not looking for 20 guys, more just for 1.

I still don't know what I want out of this.  I don't want a new relationship....yet.  But I do want a little flirtation.  It's nice to be noticed, to be complimented, to be pursued a bit.  I've been asked on a couple of dates, and I've been pursued by a dozen or so guys.  A dozen!  After being married a dozen years (and partnered more than that), this is pretty amazingly fun.  Of that dozen, there are a couple who are moderately interesting to me.  I haven't chosen to go on a date yet, but we'll see.

This looks nice....

I had my profile up six months ago and didn't receive nearly the same level of interest, even with the same pictures.  I think that this is because guys are smart.  (Look!  I am NOT a man hater! LOL)  I think that when they read between the lines last time, they heard, "I'm feeling a bit insecure and very uncertain, and if Prince Charming would please show up to rescue me I'd be really grateful."  I got some interest then, but not from people I'd want to go out with.  This time, I'm sending out a different message, more like, "Okay, let's try this out!  Ready to laugh, let's take it slow and just have some fun and see what happens."  (And by fun, I mean fun, not sex.  I've tried to convey in that profile that I'm not looking for hook ups.  I'm not dealing with sex right now, I'm shelving it until the time is right.  I assume I'll know when that is.)  The guys that are attracted to me this time, overall, are better fits for me.  (I started to say higher quality, but hey, who am I to judge?)

It is nice to be flattered.  Really, really nice.

Something new I'm trying this go-around is that I'm not reaching out to men, I'm waiting for them to reach out to me.  Part of this is a mindshift about my own ability to attract attention: I decided that I AM a catch, and that men WILL contact me.  This is proving true.  The other part of this is that I am not interested in passive men, and I'm not interested in doing all of the work....ever again.  If a guy likes me, he can darn well shoot off a pleasant email in my direction.  The truth is, if he's not willing to take that much of a risk for me, he's just not for me.

I'm a take charge kind of girl.  This is a very new approach for me...but I think that there is something to it.

So, I'm dipping my toe in.  I'm pleasantly surprised at the temperature of the water.  I don't have expectations about what will happen, but so far I'm enjoying the ride....and that is all I can ask for.

A woman's perogative

So it seems that I have not quite settled on any dating answer.

Part of me is yelling "Wahooooo!  Let's do this!  We're READY!" and the other part of me is much more tentative.  I really am betwixt and between.

It's been a few days since I reposted my online profile, and I'm getting all kinds of interesting messages.  "Interesting" ranges from nice guys with normal-ish things to say, to total weirdos, to young'uns looking for cougars to hook up with.

Let's just think about that last one for a moment - oh my gosh it makes me howl with laughter!  There are actually guys out there who want to hook up with me and have hot sex because I am fifteen years older than they?  I've received notes like, "If you were my professor, I wouldn't be able to pay attention in class because you're so hot...."  My response is a combination of laughter, yuck, and flattery.  Oh, yes, I'm human, and I feel a bit of flattery, even when it's all so blatantly out there and not my style.  Needless to say, I will not be hooking up with any youngsters (under 35 is a youngster to me....but I've been hit on by 20-somethings) to get my groove on.

 
While sometimes I might feel like the first photo for a second, the idea of that being me in the second photo is enough to stop me, even when that third photo looks pretty damn nice.

What the weirdos say is too weird to post here.  It's nice to have a delete or block button, let's just put it that way.  Do these guys get any action with that weird pickup style?  Well, not from me, that's all I know.

  
Of the three, I'm pertty sure that the last one is the worst.  Seems like it could be good, but really, it's smarmy and very, very bad.

I've also been hit on by a few nice guys.  Guys who seem to have their act together; fathers; people that strike me as guys who would be good guests at a dinner party.  They have interesting lives, their travel history makes me jealous, they have interesting hobbies.  They are age appropriate.  (I figure five years older or younger is a nice age range; I wouldn't be opposed to dating someone ten years younger in theory but I think those guys are looking for a woman to have kids with, and that shop is closed.)

The nice guy who has his act together and happens to be smokin' hot is a rare breed.  A rare breed.

What I haven't found is a spark.  I'm not sure if it's because I can't find a spark online - where is the twinkle in the eyes?  The confident (but not swagger) walk?  The way that he holds eye contact?  I can't see that, so maybe that's missing.

It's nice to think that nice people will be interested in me.  Maybe the time hasn't come yet, maybe online dating isn't for me, or maybe I just haven't met the right guy online (even for a date, I don't believe that I'll fall in love with a profile, but I would like a profile that gives me a couple sparks!).  Maybe I'm too particular - but I don't think so.  I'm not in a hurry, and I know what I like.  I'm prepared to wait for it, and in the meantime, life keeps me rather busy.  I figure when I meet a guy that I really want to go out with, I'll know.

In the meantime..... it's one day at a time.

Dating

I am pretty sure I have said, in a number of ways, in a number of places, that I'm not ready to date.

Or am I?

I'm about to find out.

Last fall I set up an account on a free dating site, "just to see."  I did end up going on one date, and I was so nervous that I'm sure he was just shaking his head in disbelief at me - I wasn't exactly a great conversationalist.  (When I told my girlfriends about how nervous I'd been, and how I was at a loss for words, they howled with laughter.  I am not known for being at a loss for words.)

I feel like I'm in a different place now, so though I'd canceled the account, I decided to go back.  This time, I think I know a bit more about what I want, and how to date, and I'm ready to dip my toes in the water.

I've been getting some nibbles on those toes.  (Oh boy.  Now Google is going to point foot fetishes here.  Ah, whatever.)

Online dating cracks me up.  On the one hand, it makes perfect sense: we essentially place an order about what we'd like in a date or partner, and plug in our own information, and it spits out a list of people who match our order.  On the other hand, it's full of crazies, and the people that find me are often not even from the same universe as myself, let alone perfect matches.  There are the crass hook up requests (no thanks, even though 1% of me would find it a total relief - hello! - the other 99% can't do it); there are severely desperate men who are timid and insecure (shudder); there are ultra-conservatives who come across as homophobic, chauvenistic, crazies (why oh WHY have I been contacted by several from this group? NO, I do not believe that feminism has caused the downfall of western society!).  And let's not forget the guys who take pictures with no shirt on, or posing in front of their cars.

And then there are some normal guys.  Fewer and farther between, certainly, but interesting.  Of course, ultimately I'd like an extraordinary guy, not just a normal one, but I'm not quite ready for extraordinary, as I wouldn't know what to do with it.  I'd just like to go out with a guy who knows how to treat a lady, who will give me an excuse to dress up a bit, who will make me laugh.  Is that too much to ask?  I want to keep it light, but if I don't blow off a LITTLE steam, I might implode.

Well, last week one of those guys contacted me.  A nice, normal guy.  A working professional; a dad; a guy with a sense of humor.  Our online conversations have been easy.  I don't feel a spark, but I don't know if sparks fly in these situations.....I just know that he's fun to talk to, that we have some common ground, that he seems like a nice guy.  He asked me out, and I said yes.
And funny enough, his living situation is just like mine.  Whaddayaknow.

(Follow up, 5/5/, I said no..we had scheduling issues and I let it drop, though I've received a couple nice follow up notes. He IS nice. And a bit timid. I just can't do timid right now, or maybe ever. I wish him well, but no date.)

I may be crazy to date right now, or it might be just the right thing.  We'll see.  It'll be at least a week until I learn if this guy is worth a second date, because scheduling between two working parents is a feat in and of itself.

Dipping my toe in the dating pool.....hmmm, it's not too bad......maybe I'll wade just a little.

Fantasies

Today my mind has been spinning off into fantasy land.  Sometimes it's sweet and sunny and fantasy land, and sometimes it's steamy, hot, and luscious.

Let's just say that it has been a while since anything hot and steamy occured in my life; it had been a while when I decided to get a divorce a year ago, and needless to say nothing has happened since then.  There was a guy on OkCupid* who initiated some steamy talk, and I realized quickly that he didn't interest me and that therefore it gave me the heebie jeebies more than a rush.  (Heebie jeebies ruin a fantasy faster than I can tell you.)  I went on one little tiny date where I was so nervous, and uninterested, that it didn't end with a kiss let alone something steamy.  And mostly, I've been busy, introspective, mothering, job-seeking, job-working, and simply trying to get life moving, that there's been no room for steam.

But today, well, something's in the air.

As it was Bryan's weekend with Katherine, I had time to myself.  This morning when I woke up, it was gloriously sunny, uncharacteristically so, and I put on a sundress and walked to our farmer's market.  All that light, and those tender greens....it made me a little misty eyed after a winter of rain, dark, and gray.  There was live music.  There were smiling people.  And there was The Hot Dad that I've noticed for a couple of years.

The real hot dad is hotter than this.  I promise.

The Hot Dad is the father of one of Katherine's friends, and he's divorced.  He's tall, dark, and handsome, with a smile that is alternately goofy and warm and, well, hot.  He was at the farmer's market, and something inside of me snapped wide, wide open.  Hello, springtime.  Hello, Hot Dad!  We exchanged a few words of small talk, and then I hightailed it out of there before I made an ass of myself in front of him and his daughter.

Sweet fantasy.

I came home and worked in the garden, working up a sweat in an entirely different way than the one that flashed through my head when I saw Hot Dad.  I plucked weeds, I dug holes for strawberries and lettuce and rhubarb, and I moved my body.
 

While gardening, I looked like a combination of these three.  Uh huh, yes, sure.
But in the bright light, by the damp earth, getting all hot and sweaty, I'm not sure my mind was entirely on gardening.

Hot fantasy.

Which is a problem, because I've told myself I am Not Ready To Date, and I mean it.  When I date, I want to bring my whole self, not my "well I'm not actually divorced and he lives in the basement and well I'm sort of financially dependent on him...." self.  *I* wouldn't date someone in my shoes, and I don't want to date the people who would want that.  So I've made myself that promise.

But apparently I'm not dead, you know, in that way, and it's suddenly looking like a long year ahead.  A very, very, very long year.  I'm not sure if it's a good idea that today I woke up, or that the reason I woke up is actually a person that I know in real life.  Next time I see him I'll probably turn bright red and run, because what I've envisioned the two of us doing is pretty damn inappropriate for two people who don't know each other well and have kids in the same class.  Inappropriate, but hot.

PollyAnna self: Good to know I am not a total old lady yet!
Not-so-PollyAnna self: Damn it was easier when that part of me felt dead - don't wake up the tiger!

* I met one really nice guy on OKCupid who actually looked great on paper: attractive and interesting, and no heebie-jeebies.  But it was at that moment that I realized I wasn't ready to date, and decided to cancel my account.  When I'm ready, I'll go back, but I need to take care of things in my life first. Every day I'm tempted to go back, though.  It would be so very, very good to find a guy to woo me, to light my fire, to hold hands with, to ignite the steamy fantasy into reality.  But every day I resist, believing it's not good for me.....yet.