Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Diving In

Well, I feel like it's all about to get calmer, at the same time that it gets crazier.  School begins tomorrow, and with it Katherine's activites for the fall begin, our new childcare arrangement begins (I think I shall call the wonderful new nanny Mary Poppins for the sake of this blog).

And getting up to make lunches, and working out homework, and piano practice, all start up too.

It's not too different from what I've been doing, but somehow it all hits home that this is how it is now, and that I have a lot of responsibility.  Somehow autumn seems like the real world, as if summer has merely been a dress rehearsal for all that is to follow.

Can I do it?  Yes, I believe I can.  But that doesn't mean that I'm not nervous about it.  I so desperately want Katherine to be well, to do well, to find success with her studies.  I want to believe that the ugliness of divorce is mostly behind her, and that she will thrive in this new life of ours.  The stakes are very high, and knowing that makes me nervous.

Deep breaths tonight; tomorrow I dive in.


On totally different note, I have a message for my future partner, the man of my dreams (MOMD):

Dear MOMD,
I feel like perhaps you are closer now than you have ever been before.  I'm not sure I'm looking for you, and yet I do long for you.  I believe that I will know you when I see you - your kindness, compassion, sparkling eyes, gentle strength, passion, and liveliness will reveal who you really are.  I know that you won't come until the time is right, and that I may have a good deal of work to do to ready myself for you, but please know that my arms, as well as my heart, are open and waiting for you. When you find me, I hope that you see a woman of strength, character, integrity, and passion.  Together, we will build a life with Katherine (and your child/ren) that is truly extraordinary.  I will try to be patient, and I will keep myself very busy, growing and learning, until you get here...but please know that my heart is open.  I can not wait to love and be loved by you.
Love and slow kisses, PollyAnna

Readers, I don't have a plan.  I'm avoiding online dating right now, and I don't have two minutes to go out and meet anyone, and I don't have any hot single men lurking in my circle.  An evening home alone often sounds better than going out after a long work week, and an evening with girlfriends sounds better than looking for guys in a bar - where will I find MOMD?  No, I don't have a plan.  But my heart, once under lock and key, is speaking louder than before. I'm listening.

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