It has been over a year and a half since I asked for a divorce.
It has been almost a year since I landed at my current job.
It has been seven months since my ex moved out.
It has been one month since my divorce.
I'm feeling restless, and I'm not sure why.
Maybe it's because I live in a perpetual state of exhaustion.
Maybe it's because I wish I had more figured out.
But I'm restless.
Really restless.
There's something missing. What is it? Is it wanting to move to the next level at work? Am I mothering to the best of my ability? Is it because I'm not writing?
Am I lonely?
Damnit, I've worked too hard to be lonely.
And I sureashell don't believe that I need rescuing. (Just for the record, I believe that hell is what we create when we don't live up to our own expectations. Ironic, no?)
Except (anddont'youdarebreathawordofthistoanyone), I do feel lonely. And I wonder if the 'something missing' is the smell of a man's neck.
I can't remember the last time I felt a strong chest under my cheek.
And you know what? After a day of getting up at 4:30am and doing my damndest to be the best person-mother-employee-homeowner-friend I know how to be, and trying to squeeze in a bit of reading and pretend to Katherine that I don't just wish I could crawl into bed and nap for six days.... I just wish that I had someone at the end of the day to say, "You amaze me. Come here..." and draw me into his arms.
Don't give me the feminist argument about how my opinion of myself matters more than finding a mate. I believe that, I live that, I am that.
But today, I'm lonely, and I just wish I had someone to share all this with.
I wish that for you and know it will happen. What I am finding is that it is nice for the short 2 days visits to be able to just put some of my stress down and lean on his strength. Then he goes home for 2-3 weeks and I am on my own again. I can't imagine him full-time. I think that will take some adjustment if it ever happens. But those 2 days are heaven. It will happen, I know it. Until then, know your girlfriends, me included, think you hung the moon.
ReplyDeleteThe body desiring another body has nothing to do with feminism (or any other ism)... it's human, and natural.
ReplyDeleteThe heart wanting to share good moments (and challenging) with another person who cherishes you has nothing to do with feminism (or any other ism)... it's about being alive.
What we want and its contours will evolve, especially after all the life change you've been going through.
It hasn't been very long. Really. And with the recent worry, of course you're feeling restless. You have your health. You want to enjoy it.
Life is full of surprises. Not perfection. Not happy endings. Not storybook beginnings - though we may spin them into as much.
For all the false starts, I like to think we have intriguing "middles" - and isn't that where we really dwell?
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ReplyDeleteoooohh, I so know that feeling and sometimes think i need it so bad!!((hugs to you)))
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