Nest Struggles

I am a bird who really needs her nest.  Even in college, when other girls were bunking together in impossibly small spaces, I needed my own little room, my very own, filled with bookshelves and quiet space.  As I have aged, this has become more and more the case.

I think it has to do with being a bit of an introvert.  I've spent most of my life posing as an extrovert, but the older I get, the more introverted I become.  Anyway, I need that quiet space, and I especially need it when my life is chaotic.

Well, my life is chaotic: the divorce proceedings are taking up far too much of my time, and work is busy, and I still haven't totally adjusted to this single working mom thing.  And this week I spent two partial days at the courthouse, taking court mandated classes.  (The parenting class was actually four hours, and more interesting than I thought it would be.  It said exactly what I thought it would, and I didn't learn anything new, but the presenter was good, and that helped.)

And then there's house repairs.

I am in the middle of what I call my mini-kitchen-remodel.  This is not a big dream remodel - this is done out of necessity and with the slimmest of budgets, but I'm hoping that by keeping an all white pallette (counters, cabinets, backsplash) it will look clean, crisp, and maybe a tiny bit chic.  There was mold under the sink, and it just had to go: it wasn't healthy, and that made the kitchen my number one priority for house repairs.  I kept the upper cupboards (which though old, are perfectly fine), and tore out the bottom half of my kitchen, including part of the floor tiles.  As remodels go, this one is tiny: no walls moving, no major layout changes, no upper cabinets.   I've gone the IKEA route, cheap all the way, but upgraded a bit on the backsplash, sink, and faucet.  (Have you seen the prices of faucets?  It's insane!  A curved tube with a handle is hundreds of dollars - yeesh.)

And my sidewalk - the one the neighbors complained about - is under repair now, and my garage door got fixed today to the tune of about $600.  Oh, and did I mention that our cat got sick, and this lead to a $600 vet bill?  And on top of the vet bill, the cat has been urinating blood all over my house, until we locked her in the bathroom (so now it's only in the bathroom).  (I love our kitty - she's a sweet girl, and a lot of comfort to Katherine.  She's worth it.  We're giving her antibiotics and pain meds, and she's diagnosed with cystitis and crystals in her urine, so she's now on a specialized cat food.)

Kitchen cabinets in the living room, countertops against the bedroom wall, my cupboard contents in piles in the basement, a kitchen that is unusable, a bathroom filled with a sick cat.  We're eating out every meal or eating cereal in paper bowls.

It's chaos.

And I'm venting.

The bills are making me sleepless - literally.  The refi money will only stretch so much, and I'm spinning at night.

I know, breathe through it.  Keep breathing.

It's possible that my kitchen will be usable by the middle of next week (with plumbing!).  It's possible that kitty will be better by then.  It's possible that the sidewalk will be fixed.  And next weekend I'm doing a half day yoga retreat, adn though my body is tight from lack of use, I'm really hoping that it will wake me up and help me to feel more myself.

I want my nest back.  I want this to be done, to head into an "easy" time.  Please?

I know that I've made such huge strides, and that I'm likely being impatient.  But I really, really, really look forward to next weekend, getting my house cleaned and moving back into the kitchen, and looking forward to the living without such repairs needing to be done!

I can do this.  Right?  Deep breaths...

****

This is a messy post, like my messy house.  Living in chaos makes me feel chaotic - even my brain feels disorganized.  But because some sweet and kind readers have told me that reading my struggles and successes helps them to feel more hopeful, I will end on this hopeful note:

In the past four months, I have:
- converted to full time work
- refinanced my house ON MY OWN
- hired an amazing nanny (remember, sharing her so that it's affordable)
- done most of the mediation and paperwork for my divorce
- filed for divorce
- mothered, worked
- taken the best vacation I've had in years
....and begun home repairs that make my house not only more pleasant but also more functional

I know I'm rocking it.  I'm prouder of myself than I've ever been.  But don't mind me if I get grumpy sometimes, and completely lose my mind, like I am today.  I am human, and I'm allowed to be human.  I'm tired, and I'm ready for a break.  But I've come a long way, and I haven't forgotten that.

Upward and onward.