Wow

Recently I had the opportunity to see Anne Lamott and listen to her give a presentation about her latest book, "Help Thanks Wow" (her shorthand for the only three prayers in the world).

This is my "wow" post.

It has been a particularly chaotic time, and these last few months I have felt increasingly frazzled.  There have been moments that were so painfully exhausting that I really didn't know how I'd make it to the end of the day, let alone to a place of wow.

Here it is: Wow.

Last week, I completed divorce mediation: there were no surprises, except that it went surprisingly well.  All paperwork is complete, and now all that remains is to go before the judge in January.  And my kitchen is nearly complete, too, and is just so beautifully functional and clean, and dare I say it, even pretty.

And then, today, I was able to attend a yoga retreat and workshop hosted by a friend in honor of her own birthday.  She brought in a facilitator, and he coached us through a process to identify our dreams.

The timing could not have been better.  I have been so incredibly fearful of drowning in the struggles of my own life that I have barely held on some weeks; I've been uncertain where the shore is, only knowing that I must keep swimming or I'd drown.

Today, I hit shore sooner than I'd expected.  In the yoga stretches, I found myself opening up.  I found myself whispering thae prayer 'wow' that is only a step away from 'thanks.'  Actually, the thank you prayer came out of me, too.  Thankyouthankyouthankyou.  I can stretch my body, and it is strong and capable, despite all that it has been through.  I have strength to swim against the waves in the storm.

I think I've made it.  Is that even possible?  Is it possible that today is the day that I can say "I am healthy and strong and I have survived this storm"?

I just moved up Maslow's heirarchy.  I'm moving out of survival mode - I no longer fear for my basic safety.  I have enough to pay my mortgage and buy groceries and have health insurance.  I have worked hard to move toward divorce, to reclaim my name and my life.  I have fixed my broken home.  I don't walk on eggshells these days.  I love that.

Now, I'm ready to work on dreams, not survival.

I need to get ready to travel.  To move my income upwards so that I can have freedom.  I want to ski.  I want to attend theater and concerts.  I want to take relaxing weekends in little country towns.  I want to explore big cities.  I want to hike to waterfalls and viewpoints and alpine lakes.

I want to give Katherine peace and love and joy for the remainder of her childhood.  She has had enough pain.

I want to write.

And I want to fall in love with a man who loves me back.

I believe it's time to start working on those things. 

Wow.

Tonight, I'm just soaking it up.  I'm flopping down in the sand, feeling the sun on my face.

I didn't drown.

Wow.

I still have a lot of work ahead of me to craft the life I crave....but it sounds a lot more fun to work towards my dreams than to merely stay afloat!

Wow.