Giddy

I can't quite explain it, but I'm feeling positively giddy right now.

I'm on that beach, not drowned, and it feels better than I thought possible.  I wake up and do a little check each morning - cancer? no.  drowning in debt? no.  in a terrible relationship? no.  Katherine doing well? yes.  job? fantastic. major crisis? none.

And then my eyes fly open and I pretty much start giggling.  I am overflowing with hope and optimism, and I can hardly believe that I'm in this place right now.

At parent-teacher conferences last week (Bryan and I went together - so glad we can get it together enough for that!) I waited to hear anything of concern, and there was nothing.  It turns out that Katherine is a horrible speller (the subject of an earlier teacher call that induced momentary panic about dyslexia), but that she is doing great with everything else academically.  Hey, if she needs to be a rotten speller, so be it, I can live with that!  And again, we heard how she was kind, social, attententive, a pleasure to have in class.  And those magical words, "She's a really happy kid."  And "You have nothing to worry about."

How could I not be giddy?  Katherine is well!  She's really, truly well!

Last weekend I did a yoga retreat with a workshop about crafting one's life, and it reminded me of who I am and who I wish to be.  I immediately signed up for a personal trainer with a friend, and felt giddy that I could afford it (and wise because she is going to come to my house at 5am once a week; this means that I don't have to leave Katherine alone; the rest of the time I'll work out on my own; the shared costs make it affordable).  And I signed up for the Breast Cancer 3-Day for next year; it's time to move my body more and it's time to end the disease that tried to kill me and might one day go after my daughter.

And I'm leading the giving tree at church - last year we were able to provide toys for a couple hundred foster children, and we also gave a very nice check to the foster child organization, and this year we're doing it again.  This Sunday I'll set up the tree, hang the tags, and try to inspire a couple hundred people to give.

THIS is the life I'm meant to live.  Healthy in body and soul, giving back to the world.  Appreciating my good fortune, enjoying every second of it that I can.  My cozy house, my incredible, beautiful, amazing daughter; my loving dog and my crazy but sweet (and healthy again) cat.  The girlfriends who absolutely get me, who don't mind if I'm a mess and celebrate with me when I'm happy.

And able to pay my bills with a smidge left over.  How is that even possible?  And the fact that I found a job that I enjoy that also provides flexibility - how did that happen?

Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou.  Wow.  Thank you.

The other day on the bus there was a street prophet - a man who appeared homeless and perhaps mentally ill.  He was speaking loudly, but under his matted hair and dirty clothes there wasn't anger, but joy.  He called out to everyone "It's going to be a great year.  Things are looking better!  2013 is going to be wonderful!  It really is!  Things are picking up, and it's going to be great!" 

If he can feel that kind of joy, why can't I?  Well, I can.  And I do.  And he reminded me of how easy my life is, despite how hard it has been sometimes.

There will be hard times again - they come and they go, and they will come again.

But this Thanksgiving, as I sit down at a table with more than a dozen of my soon-to-be-ex relatives, including Bryan, I have a heart full of joy.  I can afford to be kind to him because I am filled with hope for the future, and because in this very minute, I am not drowning, I'm soaking up the sunshine, even though it's raining outside.

Giddy with gratitude.  ThankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouWow.