Vacation

Katherine and I are on a week plus long road trip together.  We've gone all the way to San Francisco, and we're playing tourists and visiting one of my dearest friends.

This is bliss.

Romance

Today I saw a very romantic interpretation of Taming of the Shrew.  The shrew was comical in her shrewishness, hissing and spitting and very physical in her interpretation, sending the audience - seated on picnic blankets outdoors - into hoots of laughter.  The language, as in many Shakespeare plays, was bawdy and coarse and perfectly splendid.  I glanced over at Katherine a couple of times - did she catch that reference to oral sex? ack! - but she was oblivious for the most part.  As the play progressed, the shrew became broken as she was tamed, and it felt uncomfortable to me - was this a play about male chauvenism?  (There are interpretations like that, and I've seen them.  They hurt to watch.)  But in this interpretation, by the end, it looked like love in good Katarina's eyes - she was shrew no longer, softened by a man of wit, and she was sexy and fiery and bold, but also kind and appreciative of her mate.  In the end, I felt sorry for boring Bianca's love, which held no fire at all.

Now, I'm not looking to be carried over a man's shoulder into the wilderness.  Rue the day that a man should try - I'm not one to go for that.

But oh how I would love a man who knew what my defenses were, and knew how to guide me to a softer place inside myself than my previous romance has allowed.

Ahhhh, romance.

A lesbian friend - a remarkable mother, a beautiful human being, a member of my divorce group - quietly announced that she is in a wonderful new romance, too.  Watching her light up, seeing the pain of heartbreak being replaced by the attentiveness of someone who really SEES her, well, it's a lovely thing.  Several newly divorced friends have found new love, as a matter of fact.  I watch them with a combination of awe, happiness (for them), and purely painful longing.  I wish it was my turn sometimes.

Romance is not in the air for me.  I'm too exhausted to try for it right now, and I'm trying so hard to make the rest of my life work out that I can't afford to divert precious energy away from my newly awakened career and sweet Katherine's new life.

But romance is in the air.  I can't drink deeply of it, but at least I can enjoy its perfumes as they drift by.  My time will come, and in the meantime I'll look at other examples of love - real and literary - and take my pleasure from that.  Romance is not dead.  I do not hate men.  I will bide my time, and wait for the lover-friend who will make my toes curl and my eyes sparkle.

*****

I haven't read Fifty Shades of Gray yet.  I thought about it - I'm not a prude - but I can't do it, not because of the sex (hey, bring it on!), or the dominance (not my thing but maybe an interesting read?).  No, I can't read it because I am a literary snob, and I've heard it's worse than Twilight.  (A friend talked me into reading the first book of Twilight, a mistake I will not repeat.)  But there was plenty of sexiness in the play today...

Beyond thinking

My original intent was to use this blog to document thoughtful approaches to divorce, using myself as an example.  I thought I'd write erudite essays with a spiritual bent....

But I'm so tired.  Right now, it's all I can do to occassionally put up a Dear Diary vent with a "here's what I did today" list.

I hope to get back to my higher self, but right now, well, I'm just getting along.  I hope that you, my readers, will stick it out with me.  I'll get there - I'm getting there! - but it's quite the journey, and I'm weary.  No surprise there, but the level of weariness is startling to me.

Planning a road trip.  Building a business.  Worrying over my spreadsheets.  Trying so hard to gather my daughter into my arms to hold her tight, safe and warm, without invading her personal space.  Caring for a house that suddenly seems far too big, for a dog who is lonely at home all day, for my own body (which has already reminded me that when things go wrong it gets cancer - I have not forgotten that!), managing extended family and friendships....

My prior posts on wanting to date seem humorous and humorless at the same time now.  I don't have time to daydream about love, let alone fall into it.

(Okay, my daydreams are alive and well....even if it's only as I fall asleep...)

So, for all of you who are struggling with the details of divorce, the mind numbing quality of the, with the daily needs of life superimposed on top, well, you're not alone.  We're in this together.  I'll get there, I'm sure of that, even if I can't always see the whole path, but I won't stop trying.  And if I can do it, you can do it too.

How to Fake It

Excel and I are having an intimate relationship.  I massage, I prod, I experiment, I enter, I remove.  If it were sexual, it would be kind of fun, but this number business can give anyone a headache.

I am aware that since Bryan was late on the second child support payment, that next month his personal finances (assuming he tries to make the back payment) will be even tighter, and I'm aware that we might be falling into a terrible downward spiral, and my fear is that he would just give up.  I am going to have to tread very, very carefully.  I don't know what each month holds: will I continue to hear excuses, or will he pay what he owes?  Will he pay future child support, will he pay back support, will he be sporadic, will all child support disappear?

I'm looking at selling off some personal items.  Refinancing the house.  Putting expenses (car) on credit.

I am going to stay afloat, and I'm going to have a road trip vacation to visit friends - a cheapcheapcheap vacation, but a vacation.  I am making the math work....it's going to be tight, and I'm going to have a few heart attacks on the way, but as long as I stay the course, I think I can do it.

I will continue paying my bills.  I will keep eating.  And I will cut corners where I can so that there is a tiny bit left for fun.

Good news:
I'm losing weight!  I don't own a scale because I don't want one, but my clothes are looser, and I look good.  Wahoo.  This is not a weight loss program, this is a too-busy-and-too-stressed to eat program, coupled with a personal mission to eat more fruits and veggies.  I was a healthy weight before but with a bit of wiggle room (should I call that jiggle room?!), and now I'm a healthier weight.  So there.

Good news:
I really am an optimist PollyAnna.  Here I am, in the middle of a financial nightmare, as well as a nightmare for Katherine's relationship with her dad, and I'm doing great.  Wahoo!

Good news:
I have decided that in six months or a year I'm going to get a big raise.  I'm earning it, and I'm creating revenue streams so that the business can afford it.  My financial problems, whatever Bryan does, are temporary.

Good news:
When I am really scared and having a hard time sleeping because of all of the scenerios running through my head, I'm good at envisioning a beautiful future.   I specialize in self-soothing.

Good news:
I'm healthy.  Katherine is healthy.  We have so many people who love us.  I have a great education that affords me work opportunities.  I am resilient.  We have a roof over our heads.  I'm smart, and patient, and I can outlast this storm.

Faking it?  Absolutely.  But I think I'm making it, too.

Patience

Thank you to everyone who has reached out to me with concern for the latest developments in my little saga.  Your support helps me to feel less alone, and less crazy, in what is clearly a crazy-making situation.  Several people expressed concern for me in this new set of circumstances, and the tenderness of strangers - for I haven't actually MET any of you, though the community here does feel like friendship - fills me with gratitude for the beauty in the world.  You are beautiful, and I'm glad you're here.  Thank you.

I do need some tenderness, because we all know by now that it wasn't something I received in my marriage, and I'm still feeling a bit bruised from that.  But I want to take a moment to say I am bruised, but nowhere near broken.

I am prepared to be patient, but I am going to get what I need.  Setbacks are inevitable, but they are not the ending of my story.  Allow me to explain.

I have had two plans since the beginning of my decision to divorce: Plan A, Bryan does the honorable thing and spends lots of time with his daughter and pays child support (on time!), and Plan B, I'm totally on my own and need to cover all expenses and manage all of Katherine's time.  I have known all along that though I'm hoping, praying, and setting expectations for Plan A, Plan B is a possibility.

So, whatever happens, I'm prepared to manage it, and to keep my joy even while it's going on.  Oh, sure, I feel the aches and pains of it as much as anyone, but I'm able to compartmentalize them.  I feel joy at my work when I'm working, and I feel mama-love when I'm with my girl, and I feel sassy and independent when I'm with my girlfriends.

And I feel madder than hell when I deal with the business with Bryan.  I'm stunned that he could take it this far - is he really going to collapse completely into the stereotype of a deadbeat dad? - but make no mistake, I am not going to roll over and take it.

I am going to be patient.  I am going to be polite.  I am going to be reasonable.  I'm even going to try to be compassionate.  But under no circumstances am I going to say "yes dear" to these ridiculous behaviors.

We have a mediator, and we've just begun working with her, and we're in the preliminary stages of the paperwork.  Bryan was acting super cool when we met with her - it looked like he was going to give me more than I asked for and he was going to be reasonable.  Now that he's showing his true colors, I am documenting, documenting, documenting.  I'm following up with him on email, I'm printing it all.  I'm keeping lists of budgets and expenses and payments.  And of time spent...and not spent...with his daughter. 

I will be patient.  I will not detonate bombs.  I will play fair, even when he doesn't, because ultimately, my patience is going to give me what I need.

They say that happiness is the best revenge.  Let him stew in the pot of his own making: he can simmer in his unreliability, in his failure to be the father his daughter needs, in his irresponsibility.  He is in a mess of his own making, and he will have to deal with the fallout from that.  I have what it takes to help Katherine deal with his fallout, and I'm assembling a good group of men around her to be role models: other fathers in our circle, my father, his brothers (ironically, Bryan's brothers are among the finest men I know).  I will figure out the finances.

I'm good at spinning straw into gold.  It is sad that he only knows how to spin gold into straw, but it is not my responsibility to help him any longer.

Dear readers, never fear, I am not playing the victim.  I am being patient, and taking care of what needs to be done.  I know the law, and I know what he ought to do, and I will quietly, patiently, but persistently make sure that he follows that law.  The mediator will help....and those brothers will help, too, because if they get wind of this (they will) then they will be pushing him in ways I never could.

Yes, happiness is the best revenge.  I'm not being happy to spite him, I'm being happy because I'm good at it, because I want it for myself. 

I did six years of cancer treatment.  It was hell on earth, and even other cancer survivors in my circle would blink in amazement at me that I could keep going the way I did.  I've got this.  I can do this.  It sucks, of course, but if Katherine and I are healthy and together, if we have a roof over our heads and people who love us, the rest is just details.

I'm going to have my dreams.  A return to international travel.  Financial independence.  A working car!  A romantic love that is the stuff of legends.  A beautifully well adjusted child who loves me almost as much as I love her (I could never ask it to be equal - would it even be possible?!).  What Bryan does, or does not do, is ultimately of little importance.

I will hold him accountable, but my happiness does not depend on his reliability.

Child Support: Gloves Coming Off?

He asked me not to cash the second child support check - two payments per month, we're in the first month.  He makes more than I do, even after accounting for child support (minus on his side, plus on mine), and I have the higher expenses (the house payment, utilities, etc., and I am to pay for childcare, clothing, school supplies, etc. and he is not expected to, plus I handle veterinary care, medical appointments, etc.) and I have Katherine most of the time.

He told me he expected me to pay the consumer debt.

He told me that he wasn't going to cover Katherine's child psychologist (not covered by insurance), the therapist we've both agreed has been a godsend.

He said he couldn't help pay for her one camp this summer, the one we agreed to, the one we signed up for pre-separation.  Then he gave me $50 anyway....but it's part of the check I'm not supposed to cash.

He told me he didn't think that he should have to pay anything above child support (which he is already late on, in the first month....).  I asked "What if we need to pay another $2000 orthodontist bill?" and  he snapped, "I need to keep a budget!" and when I slowly replied, "As do I.  But when "unexpected" expenses come up, we both need a plan for them..." and he walked away, ending the conversation.

Our daughter is homesick.  He called to ask a favor, and when I told him she was homesick he got all choked up.  I said, "I have to work this week, but perhaps you could have her for a couple extra days?" and he said, "Well, I guess I could take her for a couple of hours on Thursday."  I said, "I have to work all day Thursday, and my parents were going to watch her, but if you take her on Thursday it needs to be for the full day otherwise I have to find someone to cover the rest of the day..." as my parents live 45 minutes away....and he said he'd think about it.

I said, "If you took her on Thurs/Fri, since it's your weekend, if you don't want extra time, I could take her on the weekend," and he said, "Well, maybe."

Keep in mind that he's sitting around doing nothing all day, while his daughter says, "I want Daddy..."

SHIT.

And did I mention that we only had one car, that he said I could have it because he didn't want or need a car, that he's driven it more than I have (on my gas!) since he moved out, and that it needs a major repair right now that he's not willing to pay for?  When he asked today if he could borrow it I said, "You have driven it more than I have, and it needs a repair.  Are you able to help pay for the repair?" then suddenly he was willing to take the bus.

This doesn't look good.

I am breathing in and out, deeply.  Calling our daughter three times a day from work to check on her.  Arranging playdates galore so that she can be with friends during the day and then come home to me.  Making an appoitnment to have the car evaluated to see if the repair is feasible.  Working my rear end off at the office - I caught a 7:45pm bus home tonight.  Coming home to walk the dog, heat up something from Trader Joe's, then write this, go to bed, and do it all over in the morning.  The machine is full of messages from loving friends, I have my health, my job is going well and my boss is happy with me.  I am living so close to the bone that it hurts, but even with all of this I'm making my budget work (except the car - what am I going to do?  there is no wiggle room left!).

He can blow off his responsibilities, he can punish his daughter in an attempt to punish me, he can sit around eating Pringles all day.  I'm going to use my life in meaningful ways, I'm going to model love and joy and compassion to my daughter, I'm going to be there for her in every single possible way within my capabilities.  I will not let his behavior make me lower my integrity to play his game, and I will not let him suck the life out of me.  I will just work double time to give Katherine and I the life we want.

This is an old behavior.  "I want to do the right thing" he says, followed by doing exactly the wrong thing, and then acting like it's all my fault.  Thank heavens for the mediator.  I'm documenting all of this.  I'm hoping it doesn't get ugly.

I. Will. Not. Lose. My. Joy.  I will remain joyful.  I insist.  I am PollyAnna!

Off to a bubble bath, a glass of wine, and bed.  Good night, all.

Powerless

These days, I feel pretty powerful.

I am juggling housework, employment, finances, a series of broken objects such as a car repair, the dog, friendships, etc.  And I'm being a pretty awesome single mom, too.  On my next-to-nothing budget, I'm finding fun things to do with my beautiful daughter, treating her to things like a henna tattoo at the festival we went to, smiling and saying "No, you go ahead" and not letting on that I'd like one too, but it's not in the budget.  Sleepovers at our house with home made chocolate chip buttermilk pancakes on the weekend.  Helping her to make her dad an awesome birthday present, with the requisite shopping trips and time and such to make it happen.  Snuggle time, time with friends.  I make sure her teeth are brushed, her chores are done (so much easier to do them myself but I want to teach her), etc.

And I never, never, never belittle her dad.

I feel pretty good about myself.  I've got some swagger back - the kind that makes men hold open doors for me, the kind that makes little old ladies smile at me.

Powerful.  It feels good to be powerful.

But there is one area in my life in which I am completely powerless, and that one area tries to diminish all the others.

I can not be a father to my daughter.  I can not meet her need for him.

And today it has had me in tears.

This weekend, Katherine got a bit angry with me, and said, "It's not fair.  I spend time with you, but hardly any with Daddy, and it should be half and half.  IT'S NOT FAIR!"  I can see clearly that in her mind, this is something I've created, and she wanted me to fix it.  Quietly, I tried to say something about how I've always been the one to help with homework and before school routines....but she pointed out that it was summer.  I finally told her that I wanted her to have a good relationship with her dad, and I would support that, and that she needed to tell him that she wanted more time with him.

I did not say, "Your dad refuses additional time with you.  He shows up late, drops you off early, and asks for "help" on his weekends because he has other plans."  I said, "Honey, I want to support you and your daddy; I know how much you love each other.  Why don't you talk to him?"

But today when she was elsewhere, I talked to him.  I told him about our conversation, and he sighed heavily and told me how sad that made him.  I told him about a childcare bind I'm in for this week, where I've asked girlfriends to help out with Katherine's care, but said he could take those days.  Out of two full work days, he said, "Well, I could take her for a couple of hours...." and I thought I'd fall off my chair.  I said, "She is homesick and tired of being away, and wants to come home early from the grandparents, but I have to be at work.  She was crying when she went to my parents last night.  I have to work, and since you're not working, would you be able to take her?" and he said "I guess I'll think about it."  I said, "I am trying to figure out the Rubik's cube of my life between work and childcare," and he laughed, "Well, I'm trying to figure out my own Rubik's cube!" and then mentioned a hobby project he is working on.

Our daughter is begging for him, and he is holding her at arm's length.

I hung up the phone, on my lunch break, and sobbed.

I am certain that he is punishing me, thinking only that creating convenience for me outweighs his daughter's need for him.

I will figure out the money.  I will figure out the time.  I will figure out the fatigue.  I will create fun between the hard work.  I will care for our home, for our lives.  I will stroke her hair when she's sad, and I will dance with her when she's happy.

But I can't be her dad, and watching her hurt is far more painful than chemo ever was.

The wall

Well, Katherine hit the wall tonight. 

She needs to spend week two with the grandparents as part of her summer of being shuffled from place to place while I work.

She sobbed.  "It's too much, Mama, I just want to be home..." and it was all I could do to keep it together.

We will get through this.

It hurts.

We'll get through it.

It hurts.

Different kinds of tired

There is the kind of tired that involves a yawn and a stretch and a sleepy vacation town.

There is the kind of tired that involves going to bed at nine at night.

There is the kind of tired where one looks at the clock and realizes "oh no it's hours 'til I'm done."

There's physical labor tired.

And there's cancer treatment tired.

And now there's this new kind of tired in my life.  Working all day and mothering all evening and never caught up.  Car problems, tight (really tight) finances at the end of the month problems, the need to walk the dog, mow the grass, fix the fence problems.  Need a nanny problems.  Have to refinance the house problems.  And business is booming but we have the problem of so much going on that we're scrambling to keep caught up.  And constant food prep, and vacuuming, and birthday cards.

THIS is what single parents are talking about.  The hands on ones, anyway.

And just for the record, in my experience, cancer fatigue never goes away, so slather on a thick layer of that on top of it all.

I AM happy.  I am very, very proud of holding it all together.  I am holding it together, and it's a bit of a miracle.

If I could just shake this fatigue, I'd feel amazing.  I mostly do feel amazing....but I am so, so, so tired...

Tired but happy

I feel like I did as a little girl when we spent the whole day doing something wonderful - like going to the beach, or to a country fair - and I came home, sticky from treats, completely worn out, but absolutely happy.

I have almost made it through this week of covering things for my boss's vacation, and I have to say, I'm pretty darn proud of myself.  I've learned more than I imagined possible, I've got a zillion ideas about how to improve some of our business' efficiency, and I am more certain than ever that our business is taking off for the stars.

I am filled with hope and possibility.  Sure, I'm still living without my dishwasher and I haven't had the courage to take my car in to see what that terrible sound it's making is (I bus to work to be environmental, get some reading time, and save myself the stress of parking in a city notorious for its bad parking), and I am so tired that I'm pretty sure that I could fall asleep standing up if I just let myself....but it's going to be okay.  My biggest problems are money related (cars and dishwashers are just dollar signs, after all), and I can handle that.  My daughter is happy, I am healthy, and it's going to be okay.

Happy Friday!