Thursday, July 26, 2012

How to Fake It

Excel and I are having an intimate relationship.  I massage, I prod, I experiment, I enter, I remove.  If it were sexual, it would be kind of fun, but this number business can give anyone a headache.

I am aware that since Bryan was late on the second child support payment, that next month his personal finances (assuming he tries to make the back payment) will be even tighter, and I'm aware that we might be falling into a terrible downward spiral, and my fear is that he would just give up.  I am going to have to tread very, very carefully.  I don't know what each month holds: will I continue to hear excuses, or will he pay what he owes?  Will he pay future child support, will he pay back support, will he be sporadic, will all child support disappear?

I'm looking at selling off some personal items.  Refinancing the house.  Putting expenses (car) on credit.

I am going to stay afloat, and I'm going to have a road trip vacation to visit friends - a cheapcheapcheap vacation, but a vacation.  I am making the math's going to be tight, and I'm going to have a few heart attacks on the way, but as long as I stay the course, I think I can do it.

I will continue paying my bills.  I will keep eating.  And I will cut corners where I can so that there is a tiny bit left for fun.

Good news:
I'm losing weight!  I don't own a scale because I don't want one, but my clothes are looser, and I look good.  Wahoo.  This is not a weight loss program, this is a too-busy-and-too-stressed to eat program, coupled with a personal mission to eat more fruits and veggies.  I was a healthy weight before but with a bit of wiggle room (should I call that jiggle room?!), and now I'm a healthier weight.  So there.

Good news:
I really am an optimist PollyAnna.  Here I am, in the middle of a financial nightmare, as well as a nightmare for Katherine's relationship with her dad, and I'm doing great.  Wahoo!

Good news:
I have decided that in six months or a year I'm going to get a big raise.  I'm earning it, and I'm creating revenue streams so that the business can afford it.  My financial problems, whatever Bryan does, are temporary.

Good news:
When I am really scared and having a hard time sleeping because of all of the scenerios running through my head, I'm good at envisioning a beautiful future.   I specialize in self-soothing.

Good news:
I'm healthy.  Katherine is healthy.  We have so many people who love us.  I have a great education that affords me work opportunities.  I am resilient.  We have a roof over our heads.  I'm smart, and patient, and I can outlast this storm.

Faking it?  Absolutely.  But I think I'm making it, too.


  1. Healthy is good. Envisioning the future is good. Setting yourself up for financial survival (not to mention, success) - essential.

    If a little "faking it" is required in the mix, I'd say it's fully appropriate, wouldn't you?

    Rooting for you!

  2. So glad you are healthy. :) Hey, I saw your comment but I cannot find your email on here. I was on the east coast otherwise I would have been looking you up! I was with a friend this weekend who is dying of cancer and has one child, a daughter who is 10, I was so grateful that you are healthy. You sound great!