Sunday, April 8, 2012
My marriage hasn’t exactly been a picnic. Hindsight is fabulous, and if I knew then what I know now, I never would have married him. Well, that would have been disastrous, because then I wouldn’t have the best child in the world, and she’s worth anything. Anything at all. Still, the marriage has been a bit of a nightmare, and the worst part is that it was one of those where I just couldn’t wake up to get a grip, so it kept going on.
What’s more, while it was often a nightmare, I was busy convincing myself that things were just fine. There is a downside to being PollyAnna, and that downside often looks a lot like denial. The writing was on the wall that we shouldn’t get married, that we were a pretty rotten fit in many ways, but I was sure that love would conquer all. Needless to say, it didn’t.
The thing is, I don’t want to spring up in outrage against an Evil Ex-Husband. He’s not a good husband, and I don’t want to be married to him, but I don’t want to vilify him. He is the father of the most beautiful child in the world: our daughter has such a beautiful soul that I am routinely knocked out by its beauty, and since he helped me to bring her into this world, he can’t be all bad.
I repeat this sentiment to myself many, many, many times per day in the hope that it will help me to get past some of the rage that springs up in response to his idiocy. Even PollyAnna gets mad sometimes.
I’m still trying to figure out how I can reconcile his idiotic behaviors and my intent to be compassionate. I’m open to suggestions, but expect me to be a bit of a slow learner on that one; please be patient with me. I am aware that the words “idiotic” and “compassionate” rarely belong in the same sentence, but there they are.
The PollyAnna in me sees his humanity and the pain he must feel, but my desire for self-preservation is strong, and refuses to take on that pain. It is his, not mine, and I can not help, so I must, in Mary Oliver’s words, save the only life that [I] could save.
I’m also trying to figure out where *I* went wrong. I don’t know if everything happens for a reason, but a broken body (mid-marriage, I got a nasty case of breast cancer) and a broken marriage sound like pretty big signals to me. No, I don’t think I deserved cancer, and no, I don’t own Bryan’s behavior in our marriage….but I do think I played a part in all of this, and I’m trying to figure it out. Expect to hear painful ramblings on those topics in the months to come, and maybe we can figure it out together.
What’s done is done, and I am determined to be glad, to find my lessons, to learn them, and to make progress. It’s a great big beautiful world, and I am going to make my way in it. I’m going to come out of this stronger than ever before, and I’m going to scoop up all the joy I can find along the way. I’ve decided that my life is going to be glorious because of these new twists and turns….and that’s the part of my PollyAnna self I like best.