Sunday, April 8, 2012

The Man of My Dreams

The man of my dreams is meant literally, in this case.  I had a dream about a week ago that has really stuck with me, and it’s a nice little token to carry around with me – a talisman to rub between my fingers during the hard times.

I had a dream that was really short – almost like when you’re taking a picture with a digital camera, and you realize that you accidentally had it on the movie setting before you turn it off…..just about three seconds of video, enough to capture some movement, but no story.

In my dream, I was on a sailboat.  (I am far too broke for a sailboat right now, and I have never owned a sailboat.  I grew up on power boats, not sailboats, but lately I’ve been intrigued by the idea of their slow quiet.)  Katherine was behind me, seated in the stern with two other children, and all three had their heads back and they were laughing uproariously at something.  I was walking towards the bow, and he was coming towards me, passing me, and he looked at me and caught my eye and smiled a deep smile that said, “I see you and I love you and I know who you are” and his eyes twinkled and sparkled and his dark curls blew in the wind….
And then I woke up.  I could still smell the salt air, feel the breeze on my skin, see the bright, clear blue sky…..and I could still see his face before me.  I could still hear “the kids” – and somehow I knew that they were “ours” – his two plus Katherine were now “ours” – laughing.  And I felt deep, peaceful happiness.

You can see why I might want to take that dream with me wherever I go now.  It’s positively lovely, and it feels good just thinking about it, even a week later.

I’ve made myself a promise not to date for a year, probably summer 2013, because I want to work on getting my life in order before I try to meet someone, and because I don’t want some guy with a knight-complex to come and rescue me.  I want to be loved for who I am, and as things are “complicated” right now, I think that I could only attract someone who was also complicated (which I’m not willing to take on), or someone who was looking to rescue someone instead of liking me as I REALLY am – and I am a strong, capable, smart, funny (usually accidentally, but it counts!), together woman.

I crave dating.  Actually, I just crave The One – the person who will be my partner, who will hold my hand when I’m scared, or just when we’re walking to the bookstore.  I’d love to have sex with someone who loves me, who I find wildly attractive (mmm, yes, yes, I’d like that…. A lot.).  I’d like to sauté as he chops and we listen to NPR together on a Tuesday night; I’d like to have beach picnics with him under the stars.  I’d like to go for long walks with him in places filled with nature (beaches, forests, meadows..)  and I’d like to take a family trip with him and the kids.  I’d love to learn to sail with him.  But until then, I’ll just keep that dream with me, like a photograph in my wallet to remind me of a happy time.  Never mind that the time hasn’t happened yet…..I’m hopeful.

 I know my marriage was a train wreck, more unhappy than happy, and that I’m not even out of it yet.  But I believe that I will learn my lessons, and that the second time around is going to be FANTASTIC.  I  now I have to wait, and I will, but when it happens, well, it’ll be like shooting stars and whales breaching and a newborn baby’s first breaths and the aurora borealis and the taste of June strawberries from my garden, and I’m looking forward to that more than I can say. 
My dream was so clear that if I saw Sailboat Man on the street I'd know him in a heartbeat, and I'd probably fall over from the shock of seeing him.  I don't know if it was a real vision or just the hoping of a lonely-in-love-lady, but it doesn't matter.  I choose to believe in him anyway.
It’ll happen, and knowing that it will makes me glad.

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