Fantasies

Today my mind has been spinning off into fantasy land.  Sometimes it's sweet and sunny and fantasy land, and sometimes it's steamy, hot, and luscious.

Let's just say that it has been a while since anything hot and steamy occured in my life; it had been a while when I decided to get a divorce a year ago, and needless to say nothing has happened since then.  There was a guy on OkCupid* who initiated some steamy talk, and I realized quickly that he didn't interest me and that therefore it gave me the heebie jeebies more than a rush.  (Heebie jeebies ruin a fantasy faster than I can tell you.)  I went on one little tiny date where I was so nervous, and uninterested, that it didn't end with a kiss let alone something steamy.  And mostly, I've been busy, introspective, mothering, job-seeking, job-working, and simply trying to get life moving, that there's been no room for steam.

But today, well, something's in the air.

As it was Bryan's weekend with Katherine, I had time to myself.  This morning when I woke up, it was gloriously sunny, uncharacteristically so, and I put on a sundress and walked to our farmer's market.  All that light, and those tender greens....it made me a little misty eyed after a winter of rain, dark, and gray.  There was live music.  There were smiling people.  And there was The Hot Dad that I've noticed for a couple of years.

The real hot dad is hotter than this.  I promise.

The Hot Dad is the father of one of Katherine's friends, and he's divorced.  He's tall, dark, and handsome, with a smile that is alternately goofy and warm and, well, hot.  He was at the farmer's market, and something inside of me snapped wide, wide open.  Hello, springtime.  Hello, Hot Dad!  We exchanged a few words of small talk, and then I hightailed it out of there before I made an ass of myself in front of him and his daughter.

Sweet fantasy.

I came home and worked in the garden, working up a sweat in an entirely different way than the one that flashed through my head when I saw Hot Dad.  I plucked weeds, I dug holes for strawberries and lettuce and rhubarb, and I moved my body.
 

While gardening, I looked like a combination of these three.  Uh huh, yes, sure.
But in the bright light, by the damp earth, getting all hot and sweaty, I'm not sure my mind was entirely on gardening.

Hot fantasy.

Which is a problem, because I've told myself I am Not Ready To Date, and I mean it.  When I date, I want to bring my whole self, not my "well I'm not actually divorced and he lives in the basement and well I'm sort of financially dependent on him...." self.  *I* wouldn't date someone in my shoes, and I don't want to date the people who would want that.  So I've made myself that promise.

But apparently I'm not dead, you know, in that way, and it's suddenly looking like a long year ahead.  A very, very, very long year.  I'm not sure if it's a good idea that today I woke up, or that the reason I woke up is actually a person that I know in real life.  Next time I see him I'll probably turn bright red and run, because what I've envisioned the two of us doing is pretty damn inappropriate for two people who don't know each other well and have kids in the same class.  Inappropriate, but hot.

PollyAnna self: Good to know I am not a total old lady yet!
Not-so-PollyAnna self: Damn it was easier when that part of me felt dead - don't wake up the tiger!

* I met one really nice guy on OKCupid who actually looked great on paper: attractive and interesting, and no heebie-jeebies.  But it was at that moment that I realized I wasn't ready to date, and decided to cancel my account.  When I'm ready, I'll go back, but I need to take care of things in my life first. Every day I'm tempted to go back, though.  It would be so very, very good to find a guy to woo me, to light my fire, to hold hands with, to ignite the steamy fantasy into reality.  But every day I resist, believing it's not good for me.....yet.