Self Care

I wear my hair long, because I like it that way.  In part, I just like having long hair, but this is emphasized by the fact that I was once bald and didn't enjoy it even a bit.  Having long hair is like a statement of health for me - maybe nobody else sees it that way, but when I put my hair in a ponytail or flip it over my shoulder, I know that it is a sign that I am well again.

I also wear my hair long because I can get away with lack of care with long hair: a short cut needs regular maintenance, but with a longer one you can fake it a bit.

A bit.

My hair had grown straggly and sad.  It was starting to scream "I don't take time for myself."  My haircut let the world know that I didn't care how I looked.

Except....I do.  I wish to be beautiful - doesn't every woman?  And I have told myself that healthy hair was enough, but we all know that a good cut makes a world of difference, whether hair is long or short.

Today I took the plunge, pulled out my debit card, and got my hair cut at a decent salon.  In addition to getting my hair cut, I got product.

But it's not about spending the money.  Okay, it's a little bit about that, because everything has a cost to it....but that's not what it's really about.  What it's really about is taking care of myself.  What it's really about is putting myself back on the list of people who deserve full care, with an equal claim to being cared for.

Bryan had haircuts every six weeks.  We made sure he had work clothes.  Katherine grows quickly, but has always had a decent wardrobe.  Bryan took the money he wanted to fuel his hobbies, and I always did the best I could to make sure that Katherine had the after school activities she wanted.

I never quite seemed to make the list, and when I did - a rebelious pedicure, perhaps - I felt guilty about it.  Mostly, I spent "my" money on groceries or small treats for Katherine.

I'm putting myself on the list of people who deserve care.  I would never want Katherine to feel guilty for taking piano, and I refuse to feel guilty for buying an outfit for work or getting my hair cut.  And I'm carving out time to take care of myself, not just money.  I even made an appointment for October for a follow up cut.

Bryan never left space for me to take care of myself, and goodness knows he didn't take care of me.  That ends here, now.  I am taking care of myself.

It feels incredible.  And it's wonderful modeling for Katherine - I don't want her to repeat my mistakes.  But mostly, it's just for me, and it feels so darned good.

A baby step, or a giant leap?  I'm not sure yet.  But my mindset has shifted, and for the better.