Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Almost time

First of all, thank you so much to those of you who reached out to ask me to keep blogging.  I received emails as well as comments, and your words have moved me to tears.  I am so grateful for your support and kindness, and you are appreciated.  I am filled with gratitude.

I will keep blogging.  I will try to be thoughtful in my choices, to be respectful, but also to be truthful, and to share not only my PollyAnna optimism - which is very real, and a deep part of me - but also my fears and struggles, because it would be simplistic to think that I could get through this without them.

My goal is to live my life with integrity and compassion, towards myself as well as others.  I'd like the blog to reflect that, although it is a lofty goal, and one that I may not always reach.

To those of you who have encouraged me in that direction, again, I say thank you.  I am grateful.


This is the week, and I am days away from Bryan moving out.

He has not packed one box.

I have Thursday and Friday off work, and I am prepared to run around getting boxes and packing materials, and filling in my own gaps for the house.  I will be in charge of Katherine, too, and I am fearful that I won't know how to give her what she needs, because I am feeling very self absorbed right now, and very quiet.  My brain is awash in fear - no, not quite fear, more like anxiety.  There is so much going on, and I am fighting for my Zen house, not this house of chaos, but I feel low energy, and anxious, and I really do wish I could go to bed and wake up when it's all done.

I will rent a carpet cleaner for Sunday, and I will spend at least two hours cleaning his bathroom on Sunday.  Yuck.  No wonder I want to fast forward until next week!  Plus, moving is stressful under any circumstances, but this move is so disorganized, and he hasn't asked anyone to help, and I'll be his main person helping, which will likely lead to frayed tempers on both sides.  I have promised myself to be perky and focused on Katherine and to do whatever it takes to get the job done....but I'm so scared of the whole business, because it's so much work and so stressful.

I've been focused on "stuff" this week in a way that surprises me, but today I think I realized that I'm focusing on stuff, not emotions, because it's tangible.  I can't control how this move goes, and if it's a disaster, then it's his disaster, and he is responsible, because I am not in charge of him, the move, or how he handles things.  So, I've transferred some nervous energy into silly things - will there be enough bedside lamps to go around?  What will I use as a bedside table in the guest room?  I need to get Katherine a bookcase!  I must have a toaster!  (Not of the $10,000 variety, either.)  Now, I probably make toast once a month, so obsessing about a toaster is....odd, to say the least.  But somehow I've found myself worrying about little things like that, knowing full well that if Katherine has stacks of books in her room for a few weeks she wouldn't care, and that if we can't make toast it doesn't matter, but I've been focusing on things like that anyway.

Today is Tuesday.  He's supposed to move on Saturday.  It's going to be a long week.

And my body is responding by my face breaking out (seriously?!) and my arm lymphadema flaring up; my arm isn't swollen but it's throbbing, which is the precurser to swelling for me.  Damnit.

I don't have anything wise to say today.  Today is not a day for deep introspection, or for lessons, or for humor, or for wisdom.  Today, and this week, I just want to do what must be done to get through to the other side.  And I want to get out of my own head enough to be a great mom, not merely a sufficient one (which is how I feel right now).

Thank you for your continued thoughts and prayers.


  1. Sweetie, I am going to suggest something here and I just want you to read it and think about the POSSIBILITY of it. Don't immediately let your mind go to 'But I CAN'T.......' OK?

    Find a housecleaner on craigslist or through a friend to come in and clean that nasty bathroom. It can't cost more than a hundred bucks for two hours' work - WAIT - I know you are thinking 'I can't afford that!'. But you CAN offer to help that person set up a BLOG to advertise their business. BARTER for the service. You can do the blog thing, so help someone else. Maybe another divorced/ing mom out there needs help - place an ad on Craigslist and see what happens. There IS a way for you to NOT have to clean that damn bathroom. You don't want to do it. I don't want you to do it. NO ONE wants you to do it!!! SO find a way out.

    And as far as him not having help to move his stuff out? LEAVE FOR THE DAY. It's his problem. If he's not moved out when you return home, go directly to Home Depot and get two of the men waiting in the parking lot for Day Work. Have them follow you home. Send them in to him, and tell him HE can pay them to help move stuff out.

    Do not let him passive-aggressively extend his living arrangement. Because you KNOW he will.

    We are all rooting for you, PollyAnna ;0)

  2. Sometimes, "automatic" is the best way to go...

  3. DebK, I see how protective you're being of me, and it makes me smile. I know you're looking out for me, and I'm grateful!

    I know I'm buying into a dysfunctional system by helping him so much, but I really believe that this will get him out, and my eyes are on that goal. Left to his own devices, he would do nothing, and so I pick up the slack.....but not for much longer! Soon, he will be out of my hair.

    And your bathroom idea - oh, I do like it, but I figure it will be a metaphorical cleaning as well as a physical one.

    I'm nearly there. I can do this!

    And BLW, yes, automatic. I'm done thinking for a while, just need to get through.