Exhausting

At this point, I may have done more work on Bryan's move than he has.  Today Katherine and I went shopping for her new bedding.... because he forgot (they had planned to do it earlier, at my insistence, and Katherine was really looking forward to it, but he doesn't have time now so I stepped in, just like I always do).  And I started packing her toys and clothes and books and art supplies, and finding an extra set of sheets, and her extra hair brush, and a million small things that will make their home more comfortable.  I got him a couple of bags of groceries, because Katherine wants to spend the first night at his place, and of course he hadn't thought through that she might get hungry (sigh).  I didn't do anything special, but I got milk, eggs, cereal, salt, pepper, chips, salsa, and some convenience foods....there will be enough to get started.  I organized some of his other items to prep them to move.  I'd already figured out dividing the kitchen and then done that.

I am aware that this looks like enabling, but I no longer care.  I want him out, I want Katherine's needs to be met, and I just want my house to myself.  Whatever makes that happen is fine with me.

I peeked in that dreadful bathroom, too.  It really is dreadful.  I usually use environmentally friendly cleaners (baking soda, etc.), but I'm thinking BLEACH for this one.  I don't think that the shower will ever lose its discoloration - won't that be appealing for guests?!  I poked around a bit downstairs, assessing how much work I will have to do to get the place in shape, and it's not great, but it's doable.  I will scrub him out of my house, and at least that will be satisfying.

But today I treated myself to fresh new plush white towels, using the money from my own paycheck.  Amazing feeling, doing that.  And I bought a new DVD player that will apparently turn my ten year old TV into something that can stream Netflix (really?!), and I bought Katherine a bean bag chair, a cheap one from Target that I may regret later but she really loves it and it is a "cheap and cheerful" solution to the fact that the only thing left to sit on in the family room is a loveseat.  I am repossessing my home, claiming my space, with these small statements.  It feels like I am bleeding money and I'm terrified I'll bleed out, but I knew there would be some expenses up front, and I don't anticipate buying a lot more random stuff.

I'm exhausted.  There is a lot of work left to do, and much of it will fall on me.  Katherine is excited for her new room with a big closet, and I'm trying to be really upbeat for her.  I know I have days of cleaning ahead, that he will leave heaps of things here that will either trip me or I'll pack them and deliver with a smile, even if it makes me grit my teeth to do it.

I'm counting down to Saturday night, letting my beloved girlfriends care for me in my own home.  They will know how to manage things, and whether I feel like laughing or crying, it will be okay.  Knowing that I have some self-care (I'm very glad I organized that) built in just might keep me sane.

*****

I would prefer that this blog be a thoughtful discussion about issues surrounding divorce, rather than a diary or a full on vent, but today, it's really just a whiney list.  I think that there is a time and space for everything, and today, what I am capable of is a whiney list.  I'll try to be more thoughtful soon, and to reflect on all of this in a more meaningful way, but right now it's one foot in front of the other, and I'm okay with that.  This too shall pass.