Progress

Mediation went surprisingly well - Bryan gave me more child support than I asked for.

Amazing.

We are early in the process, and things will undoubtedly change, but we are making it clear with one another that we intend to be fair, that will will be Katherine-focused, and that we want what the mediator called a "durable" agreement, one that will look just as good a year or more from now as it does when we sign it.  I'm trying to be really pragmatic about this, non-emotional and thoughtful.

Several friends and family members have noticed that Bryan seems happier than he has in ages.  Though I joked with a friend, "If he starts traveling the world with a hot girlfriend and comes home to a newly remodeled place with a view and I'm struggling as a single mom and my dishwasher is broken, I may not be totally graceful about that...." I really do want him to be happy, and it is a giant relief to see that he might actually be feeling hopeful about his own future.

I never wanted to go down in history as the woman who ruined his life, even if that was only in his own imagination.  On my good days, I hope that our divorce frees each of us to be the person we were intended to be, and that we will both reach our full potential when we are separate in a way that we couldn't do together.  On my good days, I think he will be happy, and I will see his eyes twinkle again, and that feels like a burden lifted from me.

So, rushing around trying to get things ready for the big move.  An extra set of sheets, another broom, a lot of organizing.  Additional chaos at home, but I've taken the next week off work to be with Katherine and to do some serious nesting at home, to get our lives in order.

And I'm obsessively budgeting in Excel.

And I'm trying to plan an amazing road trip with Katherine for August, within that budget, because we need the wind in our hair and we need to explore the world.

I will help with the move on Saturday, and then in the evening I will have a couple very close girlfriends over to help me to either celebrate, cry, or both.  The plan is for wine, cheese, and chocolate.  They will know how to reach me, no matter what I'm feeling, and I take great comfort in knowing that my first night alone will be filled with laughter, even if there will be tears.

This is my new life.  I will make the most of it.  I still feel low energy but I also feel hopeful.  Getting closer!