We're finalizing all of the paperwork, making sure we haven't missed anything, and Bryan has been so sharp and rude to me (and if I'm honest, I'm also feeling particularly vulnerable and susceptible so his usual barbs hurt more than usual) that this morning before work I shed a few tears. I'm trying so hard to be gracious and compassionate, and it looks sometimes as if he's not trying at all, and it still hurts.
After all this time, it still hurts.
The child in me wants to say, "But aren't I being good?" even though the woman in me knows that such pleading will get me nowhere, and that my own sense of self is the only reassurance I should be seeking.
Today, I am allowing myself to feel the sting. Today, it hurts. Yes, I'm crafting a brilliant life, filled with love, joy, peace, integrity, friendship, nature, health....but today, I'm facing down the failure of my marriage.
Today is the last full day of my married life. Today is the last full day that I carry this name.
Today is not a day to remind myself that the marriage wasn't a failure if it brought forth my glorious daughter. Today is a day to mourn.
*****
Tomorrow I'm going running (yes, I've kept it up since November, and I'm getting stronger daily - I work out a minimum of four times per week now, often six times per week, once with a trainer and the rest mixing up running, yoga, small weights, etc.) and I intend to go faster, farther, harder than I've gone yet. Usually I run and chat with my friends, but tomorrow I'm going to run ahead of them with my headset on and pound the pavement and listen to loud girl-power anthems. I'll finish the run with "I will survive," an anthem of break-ups and cancer survivorship.
Then, I'm putting on my new outfit and getting it done. I bought some fabulous, fabulous shoes and a knockout dress - one that makes me look like my body is nearly flawless (!) with curves in all the right places, but is still ladylike. I will work a few hours in the morning, and then walk a few blocks to the courthouse to meet my friends, and complete the deal. Tomorrow, I intend to be strong, powerful, feminine, and optimistic. Tomorrow, I will be born again.
But today, I mourn.
*****
To everything there is a season,
a time for every purpose under the sun.
A time to be born and a time to die;
a time to plant and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
a time to kill and a time to heal ...
a time to weep and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn and a time to dance ...
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to lose and a time to seek;
a time to rend and a time to sew;
a time to keep silent and a time to speak;
a time to love and a time to hate;
a time for war and a time for peace.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
Thank you for your kind thoughts, prayers, light, and support. It's a hard day. I didn't want it to be hard any more, but there is no way around it. Can't go over it, can't go under it, have to go through it. Deep breaths...
OMG. Good luck tomorrow......... I remember getting ready for court in the morning of January 30 last year and at the very last minute I put on my deepest boldest reddest lipstick. It was a symbol, to me of my strength. You are going to do great and ROCK that dress.
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts will be with you tomorrow as you take this final step <3 Though my story has taken a very different turn in the past two months, I understand mourning, and I applaud your willingness to be so real and so transparent as you make this journey. You will come through this as gracefully and successfully as you have every other step along the path... wishing you much peace in the future.
ReplyDeleteI read a quote somewhere that said 'Marriages start with champagne and cake. They should END with champagne and cake, too!' - so at the very least, after court, grab your girl squad and head somewhere lovely for some champs and dessert!(I recommend Boat Street Cafe ;0) )
There is nothing wrong in mourning about what you are going through right now. In order to move on and take a bigger leap, you will need to back up a few steps away. It’s kind of like a ‘slingshot manner.’ And it’d be best to mourn alone, so you’ll have the entire time to think about the past and how you’ll face the future. Be strong today, be stronger tomorrow!
ReplyDeleteLaine Harwell
“Today, I am allowing myself to feel the sting. Today, it hurts. ”--- I understand how you feel. It’s okay to feel sad and miserable. Allow yourself to mourn, and the happiness will find its way back to you eventually. :’) That’s how everybody should look at it! Likewise, the people around you must not force you to be carefree or happy just yet because I believe you can heal on your own and you’ll lock the pain away afterwards.
ReplyDeleteIt’s nice to express your feelings rather than keep them all to yourself just so nobody would stop you from weeping. Everyone knows that these situations are not really good, and it’s good that you have friends to whom you can share your pain. A month has passed already, and I know it might be a short span of time, but I hope you’re feeling better each day.
ReplyDelete-- Mike Clark
Mike, I logged in today and read this. Please know that I would characterize myself now, two months after my divorce, as happier than I have been in a decade. I *do* feel better each day, and it is a glorious thing. These days, I'm chasing after my wildest dreams and enjoying the journey.
ReplyDeleteI allowed myself to mourn the steps along the way, but I feel very healed in regard to my divorce. It has been almost two years since the decision was made, and it has been a bumpy road, but I feel wonderful right now.
Wishing everyone going through it the same results!