We're finalizing all of the paperwork, making sure we haven't missed anything, and Bryan has been so sharp and rude to me (and if I'm honest, I'm also feeling particularly vulnerable and susceptible so his usual barbs hurt more than usual) that this morning before work I shed a few tears. I'm trying so hard to be gracious and compassionate, and it looks sometimes as if he's not trying at all, and it still hurts.
After all this time, it still hurts.
The child in me wants to say, "But aren't I being good?" even though the woman in me knows that such pleading will get me nowhere, and that my own sense of self is the only reassurance I should be seeking.
Today, I am allowing myself to feel the sting. Today, it hurts. Yes, I'm crafting a brilliant life, filled with love, joy, peace, integrity, friendship, nature, health....but today, I'm facing down the failure of my marriage.
Today is the last full day of my married life. Today is the last full day that I carry this name.
Today is not a day to remind myself that the marriage wasn't a failure if it brought forth my glorious daughter. Today is a day to mourn.
Tomorrow I'm going running (yes, I've kept it up since November, and I'm getting stronger daily - I work out a minimum of four times per week now, often six times per week, once with a trainer and the rest mixing up running, yoga, small weights, etc.) and I intend to go faster, farther, harder than I've gone yet. Usually I run and chat with my friends, but tomorrow I'm going to run ahead of them with my headset on and pound the pavement and listen to loud girl-power anthems. I'll finish the run with "I will survive," an anthem of break-ups and cancer survivorship.
Then, I'm putting on my new outfit and getting it done. I bought some fabulous, fabulous shoes and a knockout dress - one that makes me look like my body is nearly flawless (!) with curves in all the right places, but is still ladylike. I will work a few hours in the morning, and then walk a few blocks to the courthouse to meet my friends, and complete the deal. Tomorrow, I intend to be strong, powerful, feminine, and optimistic. Tomorrow, I will be born again.
But today, I mourn.
To everything there is a season,
a time for every purpose under the sun.
A time to be born and a time to die;
a time to plant and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
a time to kill and a time to heal ...
a time to weep and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn and a time to dance ...
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to lose and a time to seek;
a time to rend and a time to sew;
a time to keep silent and a time to speak;
a time to love and a time to hate;
a time for war and a time for peace.