Monday, January 28, 2013


All these posts in one day....

This evening I am contemplating rejection: both giving it and receive it.  I'm feeling like Mr. Chocolate's lack of response today is likely a rejection (especially because I logged into OkCupid and saw that he was online, but I haven't heard from him), and I've also handed out some rejection myself.

I've gotten used to rejecting strangers to the degree where it's not too hard: the creepy guys get ignored, the cut-and-paste intro messages get ignored; the thoughtful guys that still don't interest me receive a direct response that thanks them for their message, tells them it's not a match, and wishes them well.

But today I had to reject a nice man that I'd met in person - Mr. Vanilla.  He's one of the good guys, will likely make some woman a very nice girlfriend, but he isn't for me.  Some of it is timing - he's mourning the results of his divorce, and maybe it would be different for me if he were in a different stage of things.  But some of it is just pure chemistry, of which I felt none.

What is it with chemistry?  I can just feel it - before a word is spoken.  And I don't just mean good looking people or sexual's something else.  I've had chemistry with ordinary looking men, and I've had no chemistry with handsome men (although of course chemistry with a handsome man is very nice).  It's either there, or it isn't, and nothing I can do can create it if it doesn't exist in its own right.

(Case in point: Bryan.  I felt no chemistry whatsoever when I met him.  I created it.  Look how that turned out!  Great kid, terrible relationship.  I'm done having kids, so I think it's safe to keep to the guys who have chemistry now.)

I suspect that the silence, or even the hesitation, from Chocolate is that he's not feeling chemistry.  That's too bad, because he's the first person I've met in person where there was still chemistry, and it was very pleasant - not mind blowing, but pleasant.

But this post - bringing it back - is about rejection, and I have decided that chemistry and rejection are directly related.  I have turned down multiple "nice guys" because there just isn't chemistry, and I've been turned down online (and now perhaps here, in person, with Chocolate) because they don't feel chemistry with me.

And here's what I'm leading up to:

It's okay.

I would love it if everyone flocked to me and I got to pick anyone I wanted and have perfect chemistry, but let's face it, that would be very time consuming and I don't have that kind of time.  Chemistry is elusive, and that is what makes it special. 

I believe that rejection is just built into the process, and it eliminates the guys who do not see how wonderful and amazing I am.  Every single person on the planet deserves to be deemed wonderful and amazing - "a catch" if you will - and if a guy doesn't see me that way, then I don't want him in my life.  I don't want to date guys who think I'm "nice", I want to date guys who feel like I'm something really special. 

So, when someone rejects me, or I reject someone, the message isn't "you suck and you don't deserve love."  I think the message is, "I'm not the one - the chemistry isn't there.  Hold out for someone with whom you create sparks!"

I'm holding out for sparks.  A whole bonfire, actually.  No, the sun.  Supernovas.  Meteor showers.  Aurora borealis.  I want it all, and if I don't inspire anything close to a flame in someone, then they're doing a favor if they back off, because they're freeing me to find what I really want.  And when I "reject" a nice guy, I'm not dismissing his worth, I'm freeing him to find the girl of his dreams.  I know it's not me, because I'm just not that into him - and the girl of his dreams should definitely be into him.

Nobody likes to be rejected.  Not me, either.  But there really is something powerful and amazing in a rejection, as it's so much kinder than being strung along or accepting less than one deserves.

So, tonight, no Chocolate for me, and I've said goodbye to Vanilla.  Both of them stung a little - I'm not used to telling good guys that it won't work, I'm used to making things work with what I'm given - but ultimately, I'm pretty sure I'm on the right track.  It feels right....and that's its own kind of chemistry.


  1. Honey pie! I'm sorry. First, Chocolate might just be busy or wanting to take it slow. Slow is good! Al and I had tons of emails before we decided to talk on the phone, then phone calls for months before deciding to meet up, and we already knew each other. There were long days where we didn't have contact and I would think maybe he wasn't interested and then he would reappear. Regarding chemistry, this is my 2 cents. You said you didn't feel it with Brian and look how that turned out. I think also sometimes we can feel it too strongly, there is so much physical chemistry that it warps our thinking and we get in hot and heavy relationships with people that we have nothing but chemistry. That is just as toxic. My worst relationship ever was not with STanley. It was an agonal thing with a guy that we were overblown by chemistry. The connection was undeniable, we were like magnets. We could communicate with our eyes. DISASTER CITY. When it was good it was the best and when it was bad it was HORRID. We tore each other apart for 2 years and it took years of therapy for me to get over it. I still get a charge when I see his name on FB. I think after that I was so afraid of chemistry I went for boring and predictable. There has got to be a happy medium. Just have fun now and try to keep your mind open to new people and new experiences. I think we have been so hurt with our failed marriages that we are scared to death. Stanley has asked me several times, very nastily, when I am getting married again. Married again? This is the fun part! You are perfect and beautiful, screw it and have fun.

  2. Oh my gosh CM - we share so much more than I even know! The guy that broke my heart was a crazy-wonderful-awful-chemistry guy: if he walked in the room my whole body would start tingling before I even saw him. Wild monkey sex....and horrible fighting and it made me a crazy person. (Not proud!) Bryan was my reaction to that - he was my slow and steady. SO FUNNY!

    The thing about Mr. Chocolate is that it was just a smidge of chemistry, nothing overwhelming, but Ihave been completely turned off by most guys so to have a LITTLE chemistry felt really damn good, and I was excited to find someone worth a second date, if nothing else.

    I am not heartbroken. A little peaved. Men are supposed to fall at my feet, after all! ;-)

    I was right about Mr. Chocolate - I got a very sweet and kind let-down email. I didn't like it, as nobody likes that, but it didn't hurt. I was reading his signs correctly - and he said, 'You know, I think I sent mixed signals' and 'I'm not good at being direct' and 'I'm really crappy at communicating' and by time it was done I thought "good riddance!"

    And so it goes. :-)

  3. Good God. Yes, GOOD RIDDANCE. Sometimes I think that men say what they want (an age appropriate companion, smart, kind, attractive), and then what they really want is someone that is 28 with big hooters who doesn't challenge them. Just my mean spirited opinion. But I'm mad at chocolate.