Move Out Date

Bryan and I have set a move out date of July 1st, less than two months from now.

This is the ultimate leap of faith for me, because I would be in financial trouble if he moved out tomorrow; I still don't make enough to cover the household expenses, and he can't make up all of that money.

But I am going to make this work.  I am.

I am working half time.  I have hope for making that full time, and I'm working my network as hard as I can, and I have possibilities for extra work.

I also have one more resource, one that I've never called upon.....a wealthy grandmother.  She keeps saying "If you need something, let me know," and through cancer, through all of this, I never asked her for a cent.  In my life, I've never asked her for a cent.  But I'm going to ask.  I'm going to ask her for a sum of money that seems staggering to me, but is what I need to keep going and keep the house.

Because Bryan has to, has to, has to move out.  His depression makes him lie on the couch all day on most days, doing nothing but playing video games.  He is usually snarky and rude to me.  He is unhealthy in so many ways that it is painful for me to watch.  He models behavior to Katherine that makes me cringe.

I actually believe that his life will improve immensely when he moves out, contrary to what he may or may not believe.  I think that our relationship feeds his depression because he feels that I am unfair to him in some way, and I think when he's lying on the sofa watching me scurry around taking care of our daughter, working, making meals, caring for the house....some part of him knows he is being a total schmuck.  I don't know what he sees when he looks at himself in the mirror, but I know it's not pride.

I am pretty sure I am going to have to help him find an apartment, get him packed, and deliver things there.  I am already resigned to that.

Our deal is that he gets a place walking distance from our home, which should be relatively easy because we are not too far from a street lined with apartments (though we live in a single family homes area, it's close to an urban village area).  Katherine will be able to run over to say "Look at my cool ______!" and say hello whenever she likes, within reason (e.g. not at bedtime, not when she should be doing homework).  If she forgets something, it'll be easy to go back and forth.

Katherine has had a year to adjust to this idea, and we've had a year of the custody schedule that we agreed to.  Her counselor has seem dramatic improvement in that time and has suggested we scale back on appointments.  We can now talk openly about "when Daddy moves" and she doesn't skip a beat.  It will be hard when he's in a different home, I know that.....but my heart tells me it's going to be okay.

And no, it's not ideal for her.  What's ideal for her is that she grow up in a home with two parents who love her, who model great behavior to her, who teach her how be in relationship to a partner.  What she got instead was two parents who love her, who taught her tension, anger, frustration, anxiety.  She got a parent who yelled a lot, who lost his temper, who shut down in the face of conflict and stormed off; she also got a parent who tiptoed around trying to make everything perfect so that things would be okay, and then would occassionally erupt in tears or anger and say "Why do you act like that?".  It was at the  point at which I realized that I was teaching her to live life that way that I got the courage to say "Enough."

Katherine knew how bad it was.  She would try to make it better.  She would look sad, and shut down.  Her grades fell.  I kept trying to make it better, and it kept getting worse.  I tried to compensate in every way I could for the tension in our house, but she had a lot of stomach aches.

After a few months of adjusting to the idea of divorce, her grades started climbing.  She started to seem happier.

I can't give her the childhood I dreamed of for her.  But I'm going to give her the best I can, the best within my power.  I haven't lost sight of that.