Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Too much

Today I need this:

The Peace of Wild Things

When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.

— Wendell Berry

I am overwhelmed today.  This week I'm tired - we got back late from our vacation, and then needed to hit the ground running for the work/school week.

But today there was tragedy in my community.  The kind of terrifying event that makes you go inside and lock your doors.  Schools were on lockdown.  Choppers circled overhead.  There was a constant stream of news, and I couldn't look away because people I knew were impacted and I just had to know, as if my knowing would somehow keep them safe.

In the end, I am home, and those I love best are safe.  My beautiful daughter is doing homework at the table next to me, wishing we were watching a movie together instead, but happy anyway.

I am overwhelmed right now: Bryan is suggesting we push back the move-out date, my job is extremely busy, I live in constant fretting about money, I'm overdue for an oncologist appointment (no concerns, but still...there are always concerns), and my to do list is so long that it seems unlikely I'll ever get it all done so I live in a bit of a state of triage.  Those who don't know me well tell me that I'm fine and I've got it all together, but those who know me better give me hugs and tell me that I have what it takes to do this...

And my beautiful city has gone mad.

Love and prayers tonight for all those who are hurting, overwhelmed, unable to cope.  My struggles are nothing compared to the struggles of those who lost lives, or lost someone they loved, but they are my struggles, and knowing that there is such senseless violence in my community has hurt me, too.

It may be foolish, but this random violence made my own problems seem much harder to deal with.

Prayers for us all.  Tonight I will light a candle and try to find some peace.  I wanted to go to where the heron stands tonight with Katherine, but I am too overwhelmed even to go to that healing place.  Maybe tomorrow.

Surely, tomorrow will be an easier day.....

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