In about a week, Bryan moves out.
I feel a bit shaky. No, I'm not going to miss him. (And now that our dishwasher is broken, I'm going to miss him even less! I need to do a minor kitchen remodel to get a new dishwasher, which means that for the next few weeks I'm hand washing. Dismal!) But I am on. my. own. And very aware of it.
I don't know that I'm lonely - I'm too tired and busy to be lonely. But I am just so painfully aware of all the work that must be done, and financial obligations, and I'm scrambling to take care of them. I'm trying to arrange a nanny-share for next year for Katherine, but I don't have it figured out yet.
And not one box has been packed, and I have a feeling it's either going to fall on me or I'm going to be tripping over his things forever. I'll manage this: I want Katherine to feel a sense of home from his place, so I'll make sure that there are glasses in the cupboard, that she gets to help pick out some new bedding for her new room, etc.
The to do list looms over me like an axe.
BUT....
I can do this. I am doing this. When I asked for a divorce, frankly I had no idea what the future held, and there was a bit of a concern that I'd be moving into my parents' basement. (Nightmare!) But I've got my career moving steadily forward, going better than I dreamed. And Katherine is doing better than I dared to hope for. And Bryan and I are getting along, even if my tongue hurts as a result.
I just need to get through the next couple of weeks, get my nest back into working order. I can do this....I've got this.
Deep breaths.
But there is one funny thing...one that makes me laugh a belly laugh.
I was contacted by "a major network" to do a TV show - a reality show? a talk show? I'm not sure - about divorcees living with their exes. I seek my 15 minutes of fame elsewhere, and the idea of being on reality TV talking about my divorce in front of America, Bryan, and my mother makes me fall to the floor in a fit of giggling. But if you're reading this, and you'd be interested, contact me here and I'll send you the casting person's contact info. She sounds lovely (and if she's reading this, hello!), and she's looking for other people to bring on board. For the right person maybe it's an incredible opportunity....but boy is it wrong for me. (If she pays you millions of dollars to do the show, and I'm struggling to fix my kitchen, you can say "I told you so" as you laugh all the way to the bank. We didn't talk money because I didn't want to know, and maybe it's unpaid, but likely a trip to L.A....)
Perhaps I shouldn't say this, but I'm going to all the same.
ReplyDeleteAny chance you might consider having him make the necessary packing provisions so your daughter will feel comfortable at his place?
Perhaps it's time - through actions - to stop facilitating? He is going to be on his own with her. He will have to be the full-time parent when he is (even if that's only for short periods).
We, as wives, as mothers, as exes, as women... take on too much, which is not ours to shoulder entirely on our own.
It's an overwhelming time. But possibly a little less so, if you assume just a little bit less of all the "to do" items... where you can?
You didn't ask for any advice, so forgive me for offering this in such unsolicited fashion. I am speaking from experience - my own - and having facilitated (and enabled) far too much, even if my intentions were to make my kids comfortable.
They're just thoughts... please disregard if they don't apply.
Hugs.
BLW, I know that you're right. You'd have been proud of me last night: Katherine and Bryan are going out of town to a family wedding this weekend, and when I got home from work yesterday he said, "Could you please pack her bags?" I looked at him mutely, then said, "Is there a reason you can't do it?" He said, "You know what to do, you always do it," and I said, "I would prefer not to do it this time, I think you can handle it." But with the move it's different for me, because I am so anxious to make Katherine be okay about it that I've been freaking out and perhaps enabled him even more than usual. (sigh) Part of it is selfish: I fear he won't move out for weeks, and I just need this done, even if it means doing the work myself. But it hurts to say that you're right - actually, no, it hurts to say that I'm wrong - and in this case, you're right, and I think that makes me wrong. I need to back off.
ReplyDeleteDamn. Being introspective and owning my actions is hard work! Worthwhile, but so hard.
I don't mind listening to people who have been there before me and gained some wisdom from their experiences - to the contrary, I'm grateful not to have to reinvent the wheel all the time. You have my permission to give unsolicited advice whenever you see fit. I can't promise to follow but I can promise to listen!
Happy Friday. Thanks for being a part of my conversations.
We just end up picking up their slack to make things happen. I get it. But it isn't always right
ReplyDelete