Making it official

In a few moments, I will take things to the courthouse and officially, legally notify the world that our marriage is over.  Ninety days later, as long as we take the parenting classes on time etc., we will be divorced.

I'm not sure how to mark the occassion.  It seems only fitting somehow that I ended up being in charge of the divorce, just as much as I was the marriage.  It doesn't matter that Bryan is unemployed (that is the great secret that he's been holding for months, that I accidently discovered a while back, that he lied about in mediation and I had to confront him with.....sigh.....) and that I am supposed to be at work and not the courthouse; these things have always fallen to me and nothing has changed.

I remember going to the courthouse to get our marriage license.  We were turned away because each of us had small pocket knives on our keychains, so we didn't get through security.  Undaunted, we went back to the car, ditched the little knives (more appropriate for cutting tiny apples than causing any actual damage), and went back to get the license.  It was probably a sign, like many others; like the other signs, we ignored it.

So today I will leave my tiny pocketknife behind, and hopefully I will not be turned away from my divorce.

I am mentally and physically feeling a bit better today than I was in the last couple of days.  Lack of sleep is a terrible thing, and I've made sure to get decent rest the past couple of nights.  I sent out the cry for help (a request for emotional support) to my closest friends, and two instantly responded by bringing me dinners (one is coming tonight, the other is coming tomorrow) to help me get through.  They symbol is just as helpful as the food itself: I am not alone, I am loved, I have support to get through the hard times.

I am trying to break down my tasks into smaller pieces.  I can not be at work and the courthouse simultaneously, so I'm not going to think about work this morning.  One foot in front of the other, one thing at a time.  I am not going to fret about the refi: I've done what I can, and if it works, that's great, and if it doesn't, that's fine.  I'll figure it out.  If I have to sell this big old house, Katherine will be sad, but she would be fine in the end.  And if I get to keep it, that's great too.  Whatever happens will work out.

I think I forgot to breathe for a couple of days.  I was worried that I would - lack of sleep does that to me.  But I'm breathing again.

And I sent out email to those girlfriends - 90 days from now we need to have a party.

Peace and love.