Monday, October 15, 2012

Pouring Rain

I left mediation, scooped up my girl, and went a couple hundred miles away to visit my inlaws.

I think I am the only daughter-in-law in history to leave a divorce (mediator) lawyer's office and go straight to to the in-laws, where I learned how to lift my elderly father in law from chair to wheelchair, wheelchair to toilet.

My father in law is dying, and it will be a mercy if it comes quickly now.

I spent the weekend caring for him and ignoring Katherine (who was an angel throughout), then drove home in the pouring rain.

We will miss our next mediation because Bryan needs to go be with his dad, and that puts the refi in jeopardy.  It is what it is.

I am at work, where I have so much work to do, including researching group health insurance policies, because I am going to lose my coverage on January 1st.  But I feel like I'm spinning.

While driving to pick up my dog (who stayed with a friend while I was at the in-laws) in the pouring rain, alone for the first time since mediation, physically and emotionally exhausted from the weekend and all that is going on, I burst into tears.  I cried out loud, "This is too much!"  I said out loud, "I'm doing my best!  Isn't my best good enough?  Please, I'm trying so hard...." and I sobbed as the rain hit the windshield.

Thenn I picked up my dog, went to the grocery store so that we could eat this week, and picked up Katherine from her brief visit at her dad's (unscheduled, but he will not see her on his Wednesday and he will be at his parents' next weekend and she really misses him).

I need to figure out my new financial picture (paying for health insurance), my refinance, my home repairs (I think I need to rip out a wall after last week's flood, and now I have no flooring in my basement), my divorce (I was supposed to file papers today but I haven't even had a chance to go to the website to download confidentiality papers (?) - which I guess I could be doing right now but since my work printer quit it wouldn't even help until I got home!).  I need to be a great employee and a fantastic mother.  I need to go back to the in-laws next weekend, so that Katherine can either say goodbye to her grandfather again or just support her grandmother or both.

I feel super overwhelmed, and I really, really, really want a break.

But instead, I'm going to do my best to get it done.  This too shall pass, right?  I can do this, right?

I'm still PollyAnna.  I know I am, because if I wasn't an optimist, I'm pretty sure I'd give up now.  I am just emotionally and physically exhausted, but somehow, I'm going to keep going.

It helps to vent here.  Thanks for listening.


  1. I'm so sorry. I find I cry in my car a lot. I also bang the steering wheel if I feel particularly dramatic. You are doing the right thing with your FIL. That is a beautiful thing actually. The money part is so scary and I am right there with you. I hate it. It is the price of freedom and it is high. You are doing great. Al reminds me to do what I have to do today and then do what I have to do tomorrow and I will get through it. He's right but I have such a hard time not worrying about tomorrow.
    Sending positive thoughts and hugs to you.

  2. Thank you for your kind words CM; as always they are appreciated. It is so hard to do one day at a time instead of trying to do it all at once, but I believe that is the trick! Although I do keep hoping that some version of Al's younger brother will appear to whisper it in my ear as he massages my shoulders.... but I will wait for that. ;-)