Friday, October 5, 2012

Breathing in and out

I am getting a lot of practice at being compassionate these days.  I am focusing on my breathing, in and out, in and out, trying to think kind thoughts, trying to be the person I wish to be.

But some weeks are harder than others, and this one's been tough.

I worry about child support drying up.  I worry about health insurance drying up.  I worry in particular because the house refinance that has me so excited might fall through at the last minute - after passing appraisal, credit check, income, etc., because I'm not officially divorced or even legally separated.

Bryan is particularly snappish with me.  I'm determined to keep things amicable, and I won't snap back, but the amount of effort this takes is Herculean (or, it seems, Sisyphisian).

So, in the bleaker moments of the night, I've been wondering if I need to sell the house.  I've been telling myself that the trip overseas that I have planned is not necessary for my happiness.  I've been reminding myself that if Katherine and I are healthy and our relationship is good, nothing else matters.  I've been reminding myself that I have a good and stable job.  I've been telling myself that a house is just a house, and home is anywhere that Katherine and I live, and we don't need a guest room or a second bathroom to be happy.

I've been taking deep breaths.  Sometimes, I get too caught up in it, and I take gulping, sobbing breaths, because I am only human and what I'm going through is HARD.

Today, I think I'm on the upside.

I know I'm living my life with integrity.

I believe that the future holds great things for me.

I do not need my house to be happy.

I will adjust as necessary to live without Bryan's financial support for Katherine if I need to.

The good news, the true silver lining, is that we have just sped up our mediation timeline.  We have three appointments on the books right now, and we are going to try to move through this as quickly as possible, hopefully getting the paperwork complete before the rate lock on the refi goes away.

If things go well, I will have a refinanced home that I will be able to keep, and I will be able to buy Bryan out of the house, and I will be able to make some house repairs that are necessary, AND I'll be divorced early... maybe even in January.  Maybe this recent "glitch" will just free me from the burden and fear of mediation sooner than I'd expected; maybe I will reclaim my maiden name sooner than expected.

Breathing in, breathing out.

Living in integrity.

Focusing on what's important in my life.

I can do this, even on the really hard days.  I know I can do this.  I've been through worse, right?!

Thoughts and prayers appreciated.

1 comment:

  1. It is hard. Very hard. Lots of ups and downs. Plenty of fear - some which you voice, some which you don't.

    Just keep breathing, in and out. As you are doing.