I left mediation, scooped up my girl, and went a couple hundred miles away to visit my inlaws.
I think I am the only daughter-in-law in history to leave a divorce (mediator) lawyer's office and go straight to to the in-laws, where I learned how to lift my elderly father in law from chair to wheelchair, wheelchair to toilet.
My father in law is dying, and it will be a mercy if it comes quickly now.
I spent the weekend caring for him and ignoring Katherine (who was an angel throughout), then drove home in the pouring rain.
We will miss our next mediation because Bryan needs to go be with his dad, and that puts the refi in jeopardy. It is what it is.
I am at work, where I have so much work to do, including researching group health insurance policies, because I am going to lose my coverage on January 1st. But I feel like I'm spinning.
While driving to pick up my dog (who stayed with a friend while I was at the in-laws) in the pouring rain, alone for the first time since mediation, physically and emotionally exhausted from the weekend and all that is going on, I burst into tears. I cried out loud, "This is too much!" I said out loud, "I'm doing my best! Isn't my best good enough? Please, I'm trying so hard...." and I sobbed as the rain hit the windshield.
Thenn I picked up my dog, went to the grocery store so that we could eat this week, and picked up Katherine from her brief visit at her dad's (unscheduled, but he will not see her on his Wednesday and he will be at his parents' next weekend and she really misses him).
I need to figure out my new financial picture (paying for health insurance), my refinance, my home repairs (I think I need to rip out a wall after last week's flood, and now I have no flooring in my basement), my divorce (I was supposed to file papers today but I haven't even had a chance to go to the website to download confidentiality papers (?) - which I guess I could be doing right now but since my work printer quit it wouldn't even help until I got home!). I need to be a great employee and a fantastic mother. I need to go back to the in-laws next weekend, so that Katherine can either say goodbye to her grandfather again or just support her grandmother or both.
I feel super overwhelmed, and I really, really, really want a break.
But instead, I'm going to do my best to get it done. This too shall pass, right? I can do this, right?
I'm still PollyAnna. I know I am, because if I wasn't an optimist, I'm pretty sure I'd give up now. I am just emotionally and physically exhausted, but somehow, I'm going to keep going.
It helps to vent here. Thanks for listening.
Monday, October 15, 2012
Friday, October 12, 2012
Reclaiming My Name
Today I learned that my divorce will be final some time around/after mid-January, and we're ready to file paperwork on Monday.
I will reclaim my maiden name, the one that is rightfully mine.
I am emotionally exhausted, but I survived this. I will survive this. But today the grief caught in my throoat when I wrote down the name of the favorite beach town where we got married, and when the mediator, in a quiet moment, asked to see a picture of Katherine. There was so much hope at the beginning of our marriage, and to bring up the wedding location and our beautiful daughter's face was gut wrenching, just when I thought I was done with that.
He will pay appropriate child support. I will get the house. I'll make it through this.
But don't mind for a while if I'm just sad, okay? I know all about the silver linings, and I know that that the divorce is the right thing to do, and that it's what needs to happen, and that my life is better with it. I know all that. But today, please, let me grieve what is lost. I'm just so incredibly sad.
I will reclaim my maiden name, the one that is rightfully mine.
I am emotionally exhausted, but I survived this. I will survive this. But today the grief caught in my throoat when I wrote down the name of the favorite beach town where we got married, and when the mediator, in a quiet moment, asked to see a picture of Katherine. There was so much hope at the beginning of our marriage, and to bring up the wedding location and our beautiful daughter's face was gut wrenching, just when I thought I was done with that.
He will pay appropriate child support. I will get the house. I'll make it through this.
But don't mind for a while if I'm just sad, okay? I know all about the silver linings, and I know that that the divorce is the right thing to do, and that it's what needs to happen, and that my life is better with it. I know all that. But today, please, let me grieve what is lost. I'm just so incredibly sad.
Looking for the Divine
Today I enter a marathon four hour mediation session with Bryan.
I am determined to find the Divine in all of this, to remember that all human beings have worth and value and deserve to be treated with dignity. I will remember that he comes from a place of pain, and that though I can not understand his pain, I can respond with compassion.
I am also determined to bring to light the Divine within myself, as I am also of value and worth, and I too deserve to be treated with dignity. I will stand up for myself, and I will do it with kindness.
At the end of this day, I would like to have a formal separation decree that includes formalizing child support and home ownership in a way that helps Katherine and I. But I'd also still like to have my integrity, and I'd like to be fair to Bryan.
And then I will finish up my work day, go home to collect Katherine, and hit the road to go to my in-laws. My father in law is very ill, and perhaps at the end of his life. I want to tread gently into this, honoring him, honoring the family that is Katherine's blood.
Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. I am over my head, frightened of all that I must do.
When I breathe in, I breathe in peace; when I breathe out, I breathe out love.
I hope I remember to breathe!
I am determined to find the Divine in all of this, to remember that all human beings have worth and value and deserve to be treated with dignity. I will remember that he comes from a place of pain, and that though I can not understand his pain, I can respond with compassion.
I am also determined to bring to light the Divine within myself, as I am also of value and worth, and I too deserve to be treated with dignity. I will stand up for myself, and I will do it with kindness.
At the end of this day, I would like to have a formal separation decree that includes formalizing child support and home ownership in a way that helps Katherine and I. But I'd also still like to have my integrity, and I'd like to be fair to Bryan.
And then I will finish up my work day, go home to collect Katherine, and hit the road to go to my in-laws. My father in law is very ill, and perhaps at the end of his life. I want to tread gently into this, honoring him, honoring the family that is Katherine's blood.
Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. I am over my head, frightened of all that I must do.
When I breathe in, I breathe in peace; when I breathe out, I breathe out love.
I hope I remember to breathe!
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Birthing a new life
When I was pregnant with Katherine, I read a birthing book (okay, I read about twenty birthing books, but let's just keep that between you and I, shall we?) that described the inner dialogues that we hold with ourselves during birth. The book contained two passages narrating the inner dialogues of the same exact birth experience, and one of them sounded like this:
Oh my God that hurts! Make it stop hurting! I can't do this!
and the other sounded like this:
This is a really big contraction, my baby is getting closer, and my body is doing what it is supposed to do, and the bigger the pain then the closer I am to holding my baby in my arms...
I can still picture what the text looked like, where it sat on the page of that book. It made a huge impact on me, and I took the idea not only to my birth experience but also into life.
In birth, I used the deep breathing exercises that seemed so funny in class, and I thought "These are the same exercises that have been used for centuries, and they worked for other women, and they will work for me." I decided to embrace the birthing process, pain and all. On the giant contractions, I imagined that I was a dolphin fighting my way to the top of a wave, and then as the contraction subsided, I would sail down the wave. It worked better than I imagined it would.
Lest anyone reading this believe that I had some magical painless birthing experience, I'd like to tell them otherwise. I had dreams of a zero intervention birth, but I was on Pitocen, delivering two weeks early because of pre-eclampsia, on bedrest even during labor because even sitting raised my blood pressure, and there were complications that including calling in crash carts for both my baby and myself and a dozen medical personnel flooding the room, and that at the end the doctor was fearing for my life and my baby's if the baby wasn't born quickly so she told me to push with all my might and I did so, feeling exactly where I was going to tear, and feeling the tearing that required more than 20 stitches. It was not painless. My best friend was in the room with me, and she was sobbing in gasping breaths just watching it, because it was scary. Deep breaths manage pain, but they don't make the pain go away.
But I managed it all through self talk ("I can do this"), imagery, and breathing exercises.
When I told my new mommy friends this story afterwards, they looked at me blankly. One of those women is still one of my closest friends, and she only confessed years later how bizarre my birthing tale seemed to her at the time. Most people I know had very different experiences.
But I've come to realize that this is my special gift: I know how to breathe through pain. I know how to walk into the pain, and thus walk through it.
I did it for fifteen surgeries. I did it through sixteen rounds of chemo. I did it through third degree radiation burns. And I'm doing it now.
My house is falling apart right now, dealing my finances crushing blows. Mediation is on Friday, and I will find out if Bryan is going to continue some lies that I'm aware of, or if he's going to come clean. Mediation results will determine whether my refinance is going to go through; if it doesn't, then I will have to sell the house and move.
But I am going to birth my new life, one way or another.
I birthed my daughter, a magical creature made of fairy dust and starlight, and I would go through the birth a hundred more times to have her in my life if that's what it took. I birthed my own life once before, continuing with incredibly painful cancer treatments as a conscious choice in order to have a future.
And now I'm in the birthing process again, birthing my life anew. I keep telling myself that I can do this, that I have what it takes, and when the little voice says "you'll never make it" I wipe away tears and tell that voice to be quiet.
I will make it. I will envision Katherine and I playing on a beach at the Mediterranean next summer, gentle waves at our feet. I will envision the peaceful feeling of a signed divorce, knowing that I am free to live my life on my own terms. I will envision a home with completed repairs, filled with friends, children laughing.
And I will envision lying in the arms of the man I love. He's out there somewhere, and he is going to love the strength in me that will land me on his gentle shore, coming down the crest of the giant wave that I'm fighting right now. I don't know when, I don't know where, and I don't know how, but I am certain of him in a way I never have been before.
When I breathe in, I breathe in peace; when I breathe out, I breath out love.
Peace, love.
Peace, love.
Peace, love.
I can do this.
Oh my God that hurts! Make it stop hurting! I can't do this!
and the other sounded like this:
This is a really big contraction, my baby is getting closer, and my body is doing what it is supposed to do, and the bigger the pain then the closer I am to holding my baby in my arms...
I can still picture what the text looked like, where it sat on the page of that book. It made a huge impact on me, and I took the idea not only to my birth experience but also into life.
In birth, I used the deep breathing exercises that seemed so funny in class, and I thought "These are the same exercises that have been used for centuries, and they worked for other women, and they will work for me." I decided to embrace the birthing process, pain and all. On the giant contractions, I imagined that I was a dolphin fighting my way to the top of a wave, and then as the contraction subsided, I would sail down the wave. It worked better than I imagined it would.
Lest anyone reading this believe that I had some magical painless birthing experience, I'd like to tell them otherwise. I had dreams of a zero intervention birth, but I was on Pitocen, delivering two weeks early because of pre-eclampsia, on bedrest even during labor because even sitting raised my blood pressure, and there were complications that including calling in crash carts for both my baby and myself and a dozen medical personnel flooding the room, and that at the end the doctor was fearing for my life and my baby's if the baby wasn't born quickly so she told me to push with all my might and I did so, feeling exactly where I was going to tear, and feeling the tearing that required more than 20 stitches. It was not painless. My best friend was in the room with me, and she was sobbing in gasping breaths just watching it, because it was scary. Deep breaths manage pain, but they don't make the pain go away.
But I managed it all through self talk ("I can do this"), imagery, and breathing exercises.
When I told my new mommy friends this story afterwards, they looked at me blankly. One of those women is still one of my closest friends, and she only confessed years later how bizarre my birthing tale seemed to her at the time. Most people I know had very different experiences.
But I've come to realize that this is my special gift: I know how to breathe through pain. I know how to walk into the pain, and thus walk through it.
I did it for fifteen surgeries. I did it through sixteen rounds of chemo. I did it through third degree radiation burns. And I'm doing it now.
My house is falling apart right now, dealing my finances crushing blows. Mediation is on Friday, and I will find out if Bryan is going to continue some lies that I'm aware of, or if he's going to come clean. Mediation results will determine whether my refinance is going to go through; if it doesn't, then I will have to sell the house and move.
But I am going to birth my new life, one way or another.
I birthed my daughter, a magical creature made of fairy dust and starlight, and I would go through the birth a hundred more times to have her in my life if that's what it took. I birthed my own life once before, continuing with incredibly painful cancer treatments as a conscious choice in order to have a future.
And now I'm in the birthing process again, birthing my life anew. I keep telling myself that I can do this, that I have what it takes, and when the little voice says "you'll never make it" I wipe away tears and tell that voice to be quiet.
I will make it. I will envision Katherine and I playing on a beach at the Mediterranean next summer, gentle waves at our feet. I will envision the peaceful feeling of a signed divorce, knowing that I am free to live my life on my own terms. I will envision a home with completed repairs, filled with friends, children laughing.
And I will envision lying in the arms of the man I love. He's out there somewhere, and he is going to love the strength in me that will land me on his gentle shore, coming down the crest of the giant wave that I'm fighting right now. I don't know when, I don't know where, and I don't know how, but I am certain of him in a way I never have been before.
When I breathe in, I breathe in peace; when I breathe out, I breath out love.
Peace, love.
Peace, love.
Peace, love.
I can do this.
Monday, October 8, 2012
Is this supposed to be funny?
My refinance is falling apart because I'm not divorced yet (something I was very clear about with my refi guy, and he assured me that all was well), and I need money from the refi to pay for the divorce.
I'm exhausted, as per the usual.
Today my daughter was sick, so I tried to work from home, but two things prevented that:
1) The phone, cable, and internet went out; and
2) My basement toilet overflowed raw sewage into the bathroom and (carpeted) hallway
I have spent the day ignoring my sniffly girl, spending money on a plumber, paying to have my carpet ripped out (and my rough concrete floors exposed, and let me assure you that 1920's basement concrete is not chic or hip, it's just bumpy, uneven, and nearly uninhabitable), and getting on my hands and knees to clean up unmentionables. (I started with vinegar and water, then graduated to some enzyme cleaner that brings down excrement (!) and then used hard core bleach.....surely something will have worked?)
This is testing me at every possible level.
I know that I can get through this, but I have no idea how.
My old house appears to be falling apart right around me, and I don't know why, but I am so, so, so tired. I am worried that the drywall will get mold, I am worried about replacing the doorframes, I am worried about taking on this sudden unexpected expense in addition to the giant expenses I've been trying to prepare for.
And did I mention that right before this happened I received, and paid, a big unexpected medical bill? (What do you mean the whole thing is part of my deductable? ARGHHHH!)
On Friday, we are entering mediation with a four hour appointment. Apparently the bank is worried that I will have to pay HIM child support, which is so funny it's laughable. (I have her 26 nights a month and buy all of her clothes, supplies, medicine, activities, birthday presents, etc.... I think even he would laugh at the notion of me paying him.) But we have to hammer out the separation agreement.
And then maybe I can put new carpet in my basement........and not have to walk on gravelly concrete with the memory of human excrement on it.
I do not have a sense of humor left. I'm tired, sad, and grouchy. I have ignored Katherine all day and I feel horrible about it.
And this weekend I'm visiting my inlaws, because my father-in-law is very ill and I worry that he will die soon and I want to bring Katherine to him because it's the right thing to do.
I'm barely holding on here, folks. My inner PollyAnna is glad I don't have cancer and glad I have a good job and glad Katherine only has sniffles and not meningitis or something....
But I want to crawl into bed and not get up until this has passed.
Instead, I'm going to make my daughter dinner.
I'm exhausted, as per the usual.
Today my daughter was sick, so I tried to work from home, but two things prevented that:
1) The phone, cable, and internet went out; and
2) My basement toilet overflowed raw sewage into the bathroom and (carpeted) hallway
I have spent the day ignoring my sniffly girl, spending money on a plumber, paying to have my carpet ripped out (and my rough concrete floors exposed, and let me assure you that 1920's basement concrete is not chic or hip, it's just bumpy, uneven, and nearly uninhabitable), and getting on my hands and knees to clean up unmentionables. (I started with vinegar and water, then graduated to some enzyme cleaner that brings down excrement (!) and then used hard core bleach.....surely something will have worked?)
This is testing me at every possible level.
I know that I can get through this, but I have no idea how.
My old house appears to be falling apart right around me, and I don't know why, but I am so, so, so tired. I am worried that the drywall will get mold, I am worried about replacing the doorframes, I am worried about taking on this sudden unexpected expense in addition to the giant expenses I've been trying to prepare for.
And did I mention that right before this happened I received, and paid, a big unexpected medical bill? (What do you mean the whole thing is part of my deductable? ARGHHHH!)
On Friday, we are entering mediation with a four hour appointment. Apparently the bank is worried that I will have to pay HIM child support, which is so funny it's laughable. (I have her 26 nights a month and buy all of her clothes, supplies, medicine, activities, birthday presents, etc.... I think even he would laugh at the notion of me paying him.) But we have to hammer out the separation agreement.
And then maybe I can put new carpet in my basement........and not have to walk on gravelly concrete with the memory of human excrement on it.
I do not have a sense of humor left. I'm tired, sad, and grouchy. I have ignored Katherine all day and I feel horrible about it.
And this weekend I'm visiting my inlaws, because my father-in-law is very ill and I worry that he will die soon and I want to bring Katherine to him because it's the right thing to do.
I'm barely holding on here, folks. My inner PollyAnna is glad I don't have cancer and glad I have a good job and glad Katherine only has sniffles and not meningitis or something....
But I want to crawl into bed and not get up until this has passed.
Instead, I'm going to make my daughter dinner.
Friday, October 5, 2012
Breathing in and out
I am getting a lot of practice at being compassionate these days. I am focusing on my breathing, in and out, in and out, trying to think kind thoughts, trying to be the person I wish to be.
But some weeks are harder than others, and this one's been tough.
I worry about child support drying up. I worry about health insurance drying up. I worry in particular because the house refinance that has me so excited might fall through at the last minute - after passing appraisal, credit check, income, etc., because I'm not officially divorced or even legally separated.
Bryan is particularly snappish with me. I'm determined to keep things amicable, and I won't snap back, but the amount of effort this takes is Herculean (or, it seems, Sisyphisian).
So, in the bleaker moments of the night, I've been wondering if I need to sell the house. I've been telling myself that the trip overseas that I have planned is not necessary for my happiness. I've been reminding myself that if Katherine and I are healthy and our relationship is good, nothing else matters. I've been reminding myself that I have a good and stable job. I've been telling myself that a house is just a house, and home is anywhere that Katherine and I live, and we don't need a guest room or a second bathroom to be happy.
I've been taking deep breaths. Sometimes, I get too caught up in it, and I take gulping, sobbing breaths, because I am only human and what I'm going through is HARD.
Today, I think I'm on the upside.
I know I'm living my life with integrity.
I believe that the future holds great things for me.
I do not need my house to be happy.
I will adjust as necessary to live without Bryan's financial support for Katherine if I need to.
The good news, the true silver lining, is that we have just sped up our mediation timeline. We have three appointments on the books right now, and we are going to try to move through this as quickly as possible, hopefully getting the paperwork complete before the rate lock on the refi goes away.
If things go well, I will have a refinanced home that I will be able to keep, and I will be able to buy Bryan out of the house, and I will be able to make some house repairs that are necessary, AND I'll be divorced early... maybe even in January. Maybe this recent "glitch" will just free me from the burden and fear of mediation sooner than I'd expected; maybe I will reclaim my maiden name sooner than expected.
Breathing in, breathing out.
Living in integrity.
Focusing on what's important in my life.
I can do this, even on the really hard days. I know I can do this. I've been through worse, right?!
Thoughts and prayers appreciated.
But some weeks are harder than others, and this one's been tough.
I worry about child support drying up. I worry about health insurance drying up. I worry in particular because the house refinance that has me so excited might fall through at the last minute - after passing appraisal, credit check, income, etc., because I'm not officially divorced or even legally separated.
Bryan is particularly snappish with me. I'm determined to keep things amicable, and I won't snap back, but the amount of effort this takes is Herculean (or, it seems, Sisyphisian).
So, in the bleaker moments of the night, I've been wondering if I need to sell the house. I've been telling myself that the trip overseas that I have planned is not necessary for my happiness. I've been reminding myself that if Katherine and I are healthy and our relationship is good, nothing else matters. I've been reminding myself that I have a good and stable job. I've been telling myself that a house is just a house, and home is anywhere that Katherine and I live, and we don't need a guest room or a second bathroom to be happy.
I've been taking deep breaths. Sometimes, I get too caught up in it, and I take gulping, sobbing breaths, because I am only human and what I'm going through is HARD.
Today, I think I'm on the upside.
I know I'm living my life with integrity.
I believe that the future holds great things for me.
I do not need my house to be happy.
I will adjust as necessary to live without Bryan's financial support for Katherine if I need to.
The good news, the true silver lining, is that we have just sped up our mediation timeline. We have three appointments on the books right now, and we are going to try to move through this as quickly as possible, hopefully getting the paperwork complete before the rate lock on the refi goes away.
If things go well, I will have a refinanced home that I will be able to keep, and I will be able to buy Bryan out of the house, and I will be able to make some house repairs that are necessary, AND I'll be divorced early... maybe even in January. Maybe this recent "glitch" will just free me from the burden and fear of mediation sooner than I'd expected; maybe I will reclaim my maiden name sooner than expected.
Breathing in, breathing out.
Living in integrity.
Focusing on what's important in my life.
I can do this, even on the really hard days. I know I can do this. I've been through worse, right?!
Thoughts and prayers appreciated.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Distance
There are nearly three months of separation between my ex and I. The distance is wider than the Grand Canyon, and in many ways my life three months ago feels like a different lifetime. I am not the same person, and my life is not the same.
I'm finding some peace in all of this. Deep, deep peace, like a cobalt pool at the foot of a waterfall. Peace like watching a sleeping child.
Recently some news came to light about Bryan, the type of news that once had the power to shake me and hurt me. I worry for him: his life is not under control, and he's not making good decisions, and he's reaping the 'rewards' of his choices. I learned some new information....
And I was okay. Once the initial "Are you kidding me?" had passed, I felt deep sadness for Bryan. I found myself saying a little prayer for him that he can find himself again, that he can summon the strength it will take to mend his life.
I did a little mental check - how will this impact me? How will it impact Katherine? Will I be able to manage it? Will I be okay?
I'll be fine. I will manage. Katherine will be fine. We'll be fine. Actually, we'll be better than fine. We're thriving.
He can swing a(metaphorical) punch, but the punches no longer hit their target, and with that distance I find my anger dissipated to something that doesn't burn me any more when I touch it. With under three months distance, I find myself sending him little prayers the same way that I do for the homeless person with a sign on the corner, the same way that I do when the ambulance rushes by with lights flashing, the way that I do when I hear of a person with illness. I see his humanity, his brokenness, and I wish peace and healing for him.
This is very new.
And somehow, like alchemy, my compassion for him is giving me joy. I feel free, and filled with more hope than before, and lighter. My life is rich and full, but I hear a little whisper in the wind, "It's right around the corner, keep going...."
What is right around the corner? Riches? Awards? Romantic love? (Oh, please let it be romantic love!)
I never knew that this kind of compassion would feel so good.
I'm finding some peace in all of this. Deep, deep peace, like a cobalt pool at the foot of a waterfall. Peace like watching a sleeping child.
Recently some news came to light about Bryan, the type of news that once had the power to shake me and hurt me. I worry for him: his life is not under control, and he's not making good decisions, and he's reaping the 'rewards' of his choices. I learned some new information....
And I was okay. Once the initial "Are you kidding me?" had passed, I felt deep sadness for Bryan. I found myself saying a little prayer for him that he can find himself again, that he can summon the strength it will take to mend his life.
I did a little mental check - how will this impact me? How will it impact Katherine? Will I be able to manage it? Will I be okay?
I'll be fine. I will manage. Katherine will be fine. We'll be fine. Actually, we'll be better than fine. We're thriving.
He can swing a(metaphorical) punch, but the punches no longer hit their target, and with that distance I find my anger dissipated to something that doesn't burn me any more when I touch it. With under three months distance, I find myself sending him little prayers the same way that I do for the homeless person with a sign on the corner, the same way that I do when the ambulance rushes by with lights flashing, the way that I do when I hear of a person with illness. I see his humanity, his brokenness, and I wish peace and healing for him.
This is very new.
And somehow, like alchemy, my compassion for him is giving me joy. I feel free, and filled with more hope than before, and lighter. My life is rich and full, but I hear a little whisper in the wind, "It's right around the corner, keep going...."
What is right around the corner? Riches? Awards? Romantic love? (Oh, please let it be romantic love!)
I never knew that this kind of compassion would feel so good.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
My part
I have heard, over and over, from many sources including therapists, books, websites, podcasts, and magazines, that in divorce it's really important to own your mistakes, to acknowledge one's own part, or one is doomed to repeat mistakes.
Easier said than done, as it turns out. I have been filled with self righteous anger, and I might be justified by that anger, but it doesn't serve me. I don't want to be angry and self righteous, I want to be happy. I want to be HAPPY. I want to be one of those people who radiates joy, who lives in peace, who spreads compassion. As far as I can tell, righteous anger doesn't fit into that vision.
So, this is my attempt to spell it out, to not sugar coat it, to say it like it is. Here are my mistakes in my marriage, the ones I own, the ones Bryan had no control over, and the ones that are mine alone to fix. And, because it's too painful to own up to them without something positive, here are my thoughts on how I'll fix those problems in the future too.
Because I'm never going back again.
Deep breath.
* I believed I would never get what I wanted. I believed that I had to compromise, and so I got a guy who was overweight, and less motivated, and didn't treat me like a queen, because I figured that in the end that is who would want me. Now, would you like to be with a woman who, deep in her heart, thought that she'd settled? I believe that as much as I tried to ignore, deny, and hide those feelings, somehow Bryan saw them, and I do not blame him for not liking what he saw, because I wouldn't like that either. I cheated myself by settling, but I cheated him, too. Well, I'm never settling again. I'm not going to cheat myself like that....and I'm not going to treat a man like that again. It wasn't intentional, but it wasn't right, either.
* I believed that I was inherently unworthy. I'm still working out this one in my head, how I came to believe that I was somehow less than. It goes back to childhood, to parents who name called and didn't always meet my needs. I didn't believe in myself, so I didn't expect anyone else to believe in me. It was an unhealthy, as well as unattractive, trait. I behaved in a way that said, "I would never require you to treat me well," by volunteering - volunteering! - to do double the amount of work with half the resources. When I got wise to my own behavior and insisted on more, to him it must have seemed like I was breaking character, and since he was satisfied with what I once gave freely he didn't want to change - he liked it the way it was, and *I* am the one who agreed to live like that initially. Well, news flash, I don't feel like that any more. I am more proud of myself, and my character, than ever before. I actually think I've got something pretty special to offer, and I bring that to the table. I think I know how to teach people to treat me, and I'm okay with walking away if they don't treat me the way I want to be treated. I taught Bryan how to treat me, and I taught him the wrong stuff.
* I did not stand up for myself and stop unhealthy behaviors before they grew out of control. There were serious warning signs after we got engaged, but I went ahead with the wedding. When we were first married, there were really serious signs of trouble, and when I brought them up and he resisted conversation, I backed down and tried to sweep it under the carpet. Denial is not a good coping mechanism, and it catches up eventually, and everyone pays. Had I stood my ground - standing up for what I truly believe - the marriage might have ended sooner, but it also might have been saved. I believe I know how to stand my ground now.
* When we dated, I tried to be who he wanted me to be, instead of being who I really was. I watched more TV. I went to fewer plays, and more restuarants. I exercised less, and ate more. I wanted a guy who worked out (as all my other boyfriends had), who did volunteer work, who cared about his job, who cooked, who went to plays with me, who hiked with me. But I wanted him to like me, so I went along more with his lifestyle, thinking that surely the laid-back ways were just the early-love stage of things, and they'd change when it got serious. Well, from his perspective, it was probably ME who changed. He probably thought "Wait, we love spending tons of money at good restaurants!" when I said, "I'd rather eat at home so that we could spend the money on plays and concerts or travel," and he probably thought that my attention to health (diet and exercise) came out of the blue, when I thought I was being who I'd always been. The lesson? I need to be who I am from the get-go. I didn't do him, or me, any favors when I went along with his way of doing things when that wasn't really me, and I didn't do either of us any favors when I expected him to change over time, too.
* I keep running into a quote that says, "When someone tells you who they are, believe them." When Bryan and I met, he told me he didn't ever want to get married, have kids, have the white picket fence. I knew I wanted all of those things. Over time, he changed his mind....or that's what he told me, and I really wanted to believe him. Ultimately, I should have listened to what he told me up front. He's not a horrible human being for wanting no responsibilities, or for enjoying laying on the sofa with a drink while watching TV, but it wasn't a good fit for me, and I chose it anyway.
So, yes, he screwed up. He was not an ideal husband by any standards. But this isn't about him, it's about me, and I screwed up too. I wasn't ideal either, and I contributed to our problems.
I am determined to learn. I am determined to have the life that I dream of. I have made so many positive changes in my life in the past year, and I am more "me" than ever before. I do not know if deep romantic love is in my future, but I think it is. I do not know how many more lessons I need to learn, but I know I'm trying.
Best of all, I'm finding some peace with who I am, and who I am not. Whether my new understanding helps me to find a beautiful romantic relationship or not, it is gaining me joy in the rest of my life. Owning my mistakes is painful, but I'm not as afraid of pain as I once was.
And just for the record - I am NOT beating myself up over this. I have learned a great deal, and without the path I took, I wouldn't be who I am now. And you know what? I'm okay with where I am, and now that I've started learning the lessons instead of just fighting the awful fights of cancer and divorce, I can say with better clarity that those fires have shaped me, and that I am stronger, wiser, and kinder as a result of those experiences. I do not regret marrying Bryan: being married to him gave me the best daughter I could have imagined up, and truly, sometimes she's like a spirit from my dreams. And maybe, based on my childhood experiences, I needed to experience life with Bryan to learn the lessons that will bring me to the love of my life, the man of my dreams. Or maybe I will learn to be fully satisfied without a partner, finding my satisfaction in a job well done, in family and friends, in travel, in volunteer projects that help make the world a better place.
Only time will tell.
But I'm glad this little exercise is done now!
Easier said than done, as it turns out. I have been filled with self righteous anger, and I might be justified by that anger, but it doesn't serve me. I don't want to be angry and self righteous, I want to be happy. I want to be HAPPY. I want to be one of those people who radiates joy, who lives in peace, who spreads compassion. As far as I can tell, righteous anger doesn't fit into that vision.
So, this is my attempt to spell it out, to not sugar coat it, to say it like it is. Here are my mistakes in my marriage, the ones I own, the ones Bryan had no control over, and the ones that are mine alone to fix. And, because it's too painful to own up to them without something positive, here are my thoughts on how I'll fix those problems in the future too.
Because I'm never going back again.
Deep breath.
* I believed I would never get what I wanted. I believed that I had to compromise, and so I got a guy who was overweight, and less motivated, and didn't treat me like a queen, because I figured that in the end that is who would want me. Now, would you like to be with a woman who, deep in her heart, thought that she'd settled? I believe that as much as I tried to ignore, deny, and hide those feelings, somehow Bryan saw them, and I do not blame him for not liking what he saw, because I wouldn't like that either. I cheated myself by settling, but I cheated him, too. Well, I'm never settling again. I'm not going to cheat myself like that....and I'm not going to treat a man like that again. It wasn't intentional, but it wasn't right, either.
* I believed that I was inherently unworthy. I'm still working out this one in my head, how I came to believe that I was somehow less than. It goes back to childhood, to parents who name called and didn't always meet my needs. I didn't believe in myself, so I didn't expect anyone else to believe in me. It was an unhealthy, as well as unattractive, trait. I behaved in a way that said, "I would never require you to treat me well," by volunteering - volunteering! - to do double the amount of work with half the resources. When I got wise to my own behavior and insisted on more, to him it must have seemed like I was breaking character, and since he was satisfied with what I once gave freely he didn't want to change - he liked it the way it was, and *I* am the one who agreed to live like that initially. Well, news flash, I don't feel like that any more. I am more proud of myself, and my character, than ever before. I actually think I've got something pretty special to offer, and I bring that to the table. I think I know how to teach people to treat me, and I'm okay with walking away if they don't treat me the way I want to be treated. I taught Bryan how to treat me, and I taught him the wrong stuff.
* I did not stand up for myself and stop unhealthy behaviors before they grew out of control. There were serious warning signs after we got engaged, but I went ahead with the wedding. When we were first married, there were really serious signs of trouble, and when I brought them up and he resisted conversation, I backed down and tried to sweep it under the carpet. Denial is not a good coping mechanism, and it catches up eventually, and everyone pays. Had I stood my ground - standing up for what I truly believe - the marriage might have ended sooner, but it also might have been saved. I believe I know how to stand my ground now.
* When we dated, I tried to be who he wanted me to be, instead of being who I really was. I watched more TV. I went to fewer plays, and more restuarants. I exercised less, and ate more. I wanted a guy who worked out (as all my other boyfriends had), who did volunteer work, who cared about his job, who cooked, who went to plays with me, who hiked with me. But I wanted him to like me, so I went along more with his lifestyle, thinking that surely the laid-back ways were just the early-love stage of things, and they'd change when it got serious. Well, from his perspective, it was probably ME who changed. He probably thought "Wait, we love spending tons of money at good restaurants!" when I said, "I'd rather eat at home so that we could spend the money on plays and concerts or travel," and he probably thought that my attention to health (diet and exercise) came out of the blue, when I thought I was being who I'd always been. The lesson? I need to be who I am from the get-go. I didn't do him, or me, any favors when I went along with his way of doing things when that wasn't really me, and I didn't do either of us any favors when I expected him to change over time, too.
* I keep running into a quote that says, "When someone tells you who they are, believe them." When Bryan and I met, he told me he didn't ever want to get married, have kids, have the white picket fence. I knew I wanted all of those things. Over time, he changed his mind....or that's what he told me, and I really wanted to believe him. Ultimately, I should have listened to what he told me up front. He's not a horrible human being for wanting no responsibilities, or for enjoying laying on the sofa with a drink while watching TV, but it wasn't a good fit for me, and I chose it anyway.
So, yes, he screwed up. He was not an ideal husband by any standards. But this isn't about him, it's about me, and I screwed up too. I wasn't ideal either, and I contributed to our problems.
I am determined to learn. I am determined to have the life that I dream of. I have made so many positive changes in my life in the past year, and I am more "me" than ever before. I do not know if deep romantic love is in my future, but I think it is. I do not know how many more lessons I need to learn, but I know I'm trying.
Best of all, I'm finding some peace with who I am, and who I am not. Whether my new understanding helps me to find a beautiful romantic relationship or not, it is gaining me joy in the rest of my life. Owning my mistakes is painful, but I'm not as afraid of pain as I once was.
And just for the record - I am NOT beating myself up over this. I have learned a great deal, and without the path I took, I wouldn't be who I am now. And you know what? I'm okay with where I am, and now that I've started learning the lessons instead of just fighting the awful fights of cancer and divorce, I can say with better clarity that those fires have shaped me, and that I am stronger, wiser, and kinder as a result of those experiences. I do not regret marrying Bryan: being married to him gave me the best daughter I could have imagined up, and truly, sometimes she's like a spirit from my dreams. And maybe, based on my childhood experiences, I needed to experience life with Bryan to learn the lessons that will bring me to the love of my life, the man of my dreams. Or maybe I will learn to be fully satisfied without a partner, finding my satisfaction in a job well done, in family and friends, in travel, in volunteer projects that help make the world a better place.
Only time will tell.
But I'm glad this little exercise is done now!
Monday, September 10, 2012
Swimming
Well, here I am, swimming. I dove in, and sometimes I don't think I can see land but I'm still swimming. The fact that I haven't drowned is an accomplishment, I think!
School has started, and with it, homework. Mary Poppins had her first day with us today, and it was a rousing success. Work is a bit crazy right now, but manageable. I'm making lunches, walking the dog more days than not, keeping the house in decent order, holding my temper with Bryan and trying very hard to be Zen yet maintain boundaries (tricky territory). There is doghair in the corners, a zillion projects left undone, but the important stuff is happening.
But oh dear God I am tired.
Friends came over all day Sunday, and one friend had a bit of a crisis and needed support until past Katherine's bedtime on Sunday, and though I was so glad to help her out, it exhausted me. I needed down time with a book on Sunday - I'd actually planned for it! - and it didn't happen, which means that I started Monday by being exhausted. Oh, and it was Bryan's weekend with Katherine, but I ended up having her all day Sunday....and he asked me to take her Friday night and part of Saturday too, but I said no. On Saturday I had commitments that had me really busy and not relaxing at all, so I'd been counting on that Sunday downtime.
Which means that by this Friday I will be completely losing it unless I can pull of another miracle.
But to keep it in perspective....
One of Katherine's classmates lost his father this weekend. The dad was young and healthy, but there was an accident, and now a nine year old boy has become fatherless. Today grief counselors came to the school to help the kids. Katherine told me only two people cried, and she was one of them. Sensitive soul that she is, this does not surprise me. I'm glad she's processing, that she could talk to me about it, that there was someone there to help.
Prayers for the family for whom nothing will ever be the same. Prayers that the little boy will find comfort. Prayers for the life cut short too soon. Prayers for my sensitive daughter. Prayers that I can keep perspective on my own problems, remembering how blessed I really am.
That's a lot of prayers for an agnostic Unitarian Universalist. I might have to stop calling myself an agnostic if I keep this up. Right now, though, I'm too tired to consider my own theology. I just need the prayers.
School has started, and with it, homework. Mary Poppins had her first day with us today, and it was a rousing success. Work is a bit crazy right now, but manageable. I'm making lunches, walking the dog more days than not, keeping the house in decent order, holding my temper with Bryan and trying very hard to be Zen yet maintain boundaries (tricky territory). There is doghair in the corners, a zillion projects left undone, but the important stuff is happening.
But oh dear God I am tired.
Friends came over all day Sunday, and one friend had a bit of a crisis and needed support until past Katherine's bedtime on Sunday, and though I was so glad to help her out, it exhausted me. I needed down time with a book on Sunday - I'd actually planned for it! - and it didn't happen, which means that I started Monday by being exhausted. Oh, and it was Bryan's weekend with Katherine, but I ended up having her all day Sunday....and he asked me to take her Friday night and part of Saturday too, but I said no. On Saturday I had commitments that had me really busy and not relaxing at all, so I'd been counting on that Sunday downtime.
Which means that by this Friday I will be completely losing it unless I can pull of another miracle.
But to keep it in perspective....
One of Katherine's classmates lost his father this weekend. The dad was young and healthy, but there was an accident, and now a nine year old boy has become fatherless. Today grief counselors came to the school to help the kids. Katherine told me only two people cried, and she was one of them. Sensitive soul that she is, this does not surprise me. I'm glad she's processing, that she could talk to me about it, that there was someone there to help.
Prayers for the family for whom nothing will ever be the same. Prayers that the little boy will find comfort. Prayers for the life cut short too soon. Prayers for my sensitive daughter. Prayers that I can keep perspective on my own problems, remembering how blessed I really am.
That's a lot of prayers for an agnostic Unitarian Universalist. I might have to stop calling myself an agnostic if I keep this up. Right now, though, I'm too tired to consider my own theology. I just need the prayers.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Diving In
Well, I feel like it's all about to get calmer, at the same time that it gets crazier. School begins tomorrow, and with it Katherine's activites for the fall begin, our new childcare arrangement begins (I think I shall call the wonderful new nanny Mary Poppins for the sake of this blog).
And getting up to make lunches, and working out homework, and piano practice, all start up too.
It's not too different from what I've been doing, but somehow it all hits home that this is how it is now, and that I have a lot of responsibility. Somehow autumn seems like the real world, as if summer has merely been a dress rehearsal for all that is to follow.
Can I do it? Yes, I believe I can. But that doesn't mean that I'm not nervous about it. I so desperately want Katherine to be well, to do well, to find success with her studies. I want to believe that the ugliness of divorce is mostly behind her, and that she will thrive in this new life of ours. The stakes are very high, and knowing that makes me nervous.
Deep breaths tonight; tomorrow I dive in.
*****
On totally different note, I have a message for my future partner, the man of my dreams (MOMD):
Dear MOMD,
I feel like perhaps you are closer now than you have ever been before. I'm not sure I'm looking for you, and yet I do long for you. I believe that I will know you when I see you - your kindness, compassion, sparkling eyes, gentle strength, passion, and liveliness will reveal who you really are. I know that you won't come until the time is right, and that I may have a good deal of work to do to ready myself for you, but please know that my arms, as well as my heart, are open and waiting for you. When you find me, I hope that you see a woman of strength, character, integrity, and passion. Together, we will build a life with Katherine (and your child/ren) that is truly extraordinary. I will try to be patient, and I will keep myself very busy, growing and learning, until you get here...but please know that my heart is open. I can not wait to love and be loved by you.
Love and slow kisses, PollyAnna
Readers, I don't have a plan. I'm avoiding online dating right now, and I don't have two minutes to go out and meet anyone, and I don't have any hot single men lurking in my circle. An evening home alone often sounds better than going out after a long work week, and an evening with girlfriends sounds better than looking for guys in a bar - where will I find MOMD? No, I don't have a plan. But my heart, once under lock and key, is speaking louder than before. I'm listening.
And getting up to make lunches, and working out homework, and piano practice, all start up too.
It's not too different from what I've been doing, but somehow it all hits home that this is how it is now, and that I have a lot of responsibility. Somehow autumn seems like the real world, as if summer has merely been a dress rehearsal for all that is to follow.
Can I do it? Yes, I believe I can. But that doesn't mean that I'm not nervous about it. I so desperately want Katherine to be well, to do well, to find success with her studies. I want to believe that the ugliness of divorce is mostly behind her, and that she will thrive in this new life of ours. The stakes are very high, and knowing that makes me nervous.
Deep breaths tonight; tomorrow I dive in.
*****
On totally different note, I have a message for my future partner, the man of my dreams (MOMD):
Dear MOMD,
I feel like perhaps you are closer now than you have ever been before. I'm not sure I'm looking for you, and yet I do long for you. I believe that I will know you when I see you - your kindness, compassion, sparkling eyes, gentle strength, passion, and liveliness will reveal who you really are. I know that you won't come until the time is right, and that I may have a good deal of work to do to ready myself for you, but please know that my arms, as well as my heart, are open and waiting for you. When you find me, I hope that you see a woman of strength, character, integrity, and passion. Together, we will build a life with Katherine (and your child/ren) that is truly extraordinary. I will try to be patient, and I will keep myself very busy, growing and learning, until you get here...but please know that my heart is open. I can not wait to love and be loved by you.
Love and slow kisses, PollyAnna
Readers, I don't have a plan. I'm avoiding online dating right now, and I don't have two minutes to go out and meet anyone, and I don't have any hot single men lurking in my circle. An evening home alone often sounds better than going out after a long work week, and an evening with girlfriends sounds better than looking for guys in a bar - where will I find MOMD? No, I don't have a plan. But my heart, once under lock and key, is speaking louder than before. I'm listening.
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