Wednesday, December 12, 2012


It seems to come in waves.

The current wave:  A dear friend was diagnosed with breast cancer.  I had a lymphedema flare up due to overexercising.  The cat is peeing where she is not supposed to because I changed her litter.  (This morning I woke up, went to the bathroom....and saw my cat peeing in the sink.  Ugh.)  My daughter cried her eyes out last night because she got a small (very small - sigh) part in the school play that she hoped for a big part in.  Work is crazy busy.  My ex is usually unavailable, and....well, he deserves its own post here.  (An unflattering one.  I'm trying to hold back, though.)

But last night, as I left a parent meeting at school, rushing to get home so I could stop accuring the babysitter's bill, my heel stuck in an uneven part of the sidewalk and faster than it seemed possible I found myself crashing to the ground.


I fell on my knee - which scraped.  I fell on my right hand, which got gravel embedded into it and a mark that looks ridiculously like a stigmata on my palm.

But I also landed hard on my lef shoulder, and scraped a deep cut and smaller abrasions on my palm.  Which is a problem, because that is the lymphedema side.  So now my arm is in such pain that reaching for a coffee cup made me cry this morning.

That is a new kind of ouch.  A deeply painful one that is making it next to impossible to think (or work, or parent, or cook).  I have to wear a compression glove and sleeve (oh, I know, so sexy) to prevent my arm swelling to football size.


And I spent the afternoon at the hospital as my friend had a part of her breast removed.


And I remembered being at the same hospital.  15 times for surgery.  My breasts resemble Frankenstein, and being in that building reminded me how I got there.  Watching her husband sit in the waiting room, an extra hour, squirming, hurting for his wife, made me hurt, too.  I hurt for him, for her, and for myself, remembering how lonley I felt through treatment.


It's been a hurting day.  I left work early to be with my friend at the hospital, and to come home to sulk.

But I got one little gift.

As I was leaving the hospital, down in the lobby there was a group of very pregnant women, all taking the same hospital tour I took ten years ago.  I had a rush of memories, of being pregnant, of entering that hospital a pregnant woman, and of entering as a mother, my beautiful daughter in my arms.

From great pain can come great joy.  Childbirth - ouch.  Motherhood - brilliantly beautiful.  Lymphedema?  Ouch.  Still looking for something beautiful.

But my friend might be okay - clean margins, looks like clean nodes.  Now that is beautiful.


Good thoughts and prayers still appreciated.  I'm in real pain, can't lift my arm.  I need PT and can't take the time.  Thanks for your good wishes.

No comments:

Post a Comment