Sunday, December 23, 2012

Gut checks

So my online flirtation has continued with phone calls, emails, and online chatting.

So much fun to flirt!  A few suggestive comments, and I can practically see him trying to crawl through the wires to get to me.  It's a sensation of power and fun and desire and plain old lust, and given that I'd practically forgotten that I had all that in me (by necessity), it was a fabulous reminder that I am still a sensual being, and that I've still got it.

But of course, there's a problem.  Oops.

I have no idea what the heck I'm doing, and that is clear.  I'm making this up as I go, learning along the way.  I didn't go too far down the innuendo path, but I went far enough.  And it was super fun.


I am just not into sexual innuendo with a stranger on the internet.  It's a persona that I was trying on, and it is just not me at this phase of my life.

But it's worse than that.

He really likes me.  He's got a hunch that this is something special.

And he uses the word "to" when he should say "too" and this is a small and ridiculous thing but it makes me insane.  (Ex English teacher here.)  I can't decide if I'm physically attracted to his pictures, but I'm starting to lean to 'no.'  I think he might be more of a party boy than I ever will be, even though he's also a dad, business professional, etc.  Something's off - I think he's a great person, deserving of great love....but he's not for me.

And then it came out that he's a "fiscal Republican."  This is better than if he was a social republican, but it's not great for me.  I have Republican friends and family, and I love them, but there are always places we can't go in discussion, things we have to dance around, and I really don't want that in a partner.  I don't think I can date a Romney supporter, even though I have Romney-voting friends.  (Fewer in number than my lefty-liberal friends, but still...)

I'm looking for a guy who will sit around with my uber educated, lefty liberal friends, and fit right in.

He's right.  We were clicking...

Except that I was getting swept up in it all, instead of listening to my gut that it isn't quite right.  I have a talent for it, and back in the day when I was dating, I had a number of men who were convinced that I was the one for them, and when they told me so I was shocked they thought it was a good match.  This isn't my guy.  He's a good guy, a breath of fresh air after Bryan, but he's not for me.

So, I've got to get out of this awkward situation.  I've agreed to a date, and I'm not going to go.  And I feel bad, because I've lead him on, except that I wasn't leading him on, I was just trying to find my way, and I thought it was all good, except then I got sudden clarity.

I wish I'd listened to my gut a few conversations ago, but better now than in the wedding dress.  (Yes, that is how it went with Bryan.)  I think that this gentleman will not be thrilled with my rejection, and it may catch him off guard, and I feel bad for that....but better now than later, because it won't get any easier.

Shoot.  I have to put on my big girl panties and end it before it started.  I'm learning - but not all of the learning is fun!

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