Thursday, July 5, 2012

A totally different life

This week has been surreal for me.  Is this really my new life?

I can breathe again. 

I wake up each day in my own home, able to breathe.  There is nobody around the corner to say a sharp word, and nobody scowling at me.  I have danced in the kitchen, both alone, with Katherine, and with Katherine's friends (who were amused at me but also joined me in dancing); I have sung to the music; I have felt joy.  The last two days we've gone to friends' homes to eat, and I was invited to a concert one other night this week.  Katherine had a sleepover here, and there have been playdates galore, which has allowed me to clean and clean and clean and clean.  We spent a day at a pool, and another doing touristy downtown things, and before and after these fun events, I've worked on the house.

I've been doing a little reading about feng shui and space clearing and the like.  This house has witnessed cancer and divorce, and it's time to clear those cobwebs - literal and metaphorical - out of here permanently.  I've been scrubbing and dusting and wiping and organizing and decluttering and recycling and giving away.  I've made big piles for Bryan, and bit by bit they keep leaving.  From the attic to the basement, I've been going through drawers and closets, getting rid of what is no longer useful and organizing what is.  I have mowed the lawn, weeded sections of the yard.  I have created piles of things to donate.  I am making it all *mine*.

This will all lead up to next Wednesday evening, my day without Katherine, when I will have a dozen girlfriends over and we'll burn sage and ring bells and clear out the bad energy, opening up the whole house to love and peace.  The literal cleaning is partially just for cleaning's sake, but it's also to get rid of the bad energy lurking around here.

Sound a little woo-woo for you?  Well, I'll admit, it's a bit over the top and beyond my usual style, but I don't care.  This house has been filled with far too much sadness, and I want it gone.  I don't know what I think about sage, but I do know that ceremony is good for the soul, and that with powerful women around me, saying words of love and kindness, the sage smoke will somehow clear the air.  The house deserves it, and I do, too.

And every minute I think, "Is this really my new life?  Did I finally get here?  Working at a job I love, with my amazing daughter, surrounded by friends, in a wonderful community, filled with possibility?  Can I really relax into my new life, no longer filled with arguments and anger from a man I do not understand, and instead, free to breathe and be and seek as much joy as the world has to offer?"

I feel incredibly fortunate, as if I've been pulled back from the cliff's edge.  I so nearly fell off, but I'm on solid ground again, and this is where I need to be.

It's too soon to see just how tight the finances will be, it's too soon to see how life working full time as a truly single mom will be (I've been off work this week on purpose; I knew Katherine would need me and I knew that there would be a great deal to get done).  There are many challenges ahead.

But glad I am to be in this new, strange place, this new life of mine.


I have a thousand stories to tell about the move, and Bryan's odd reactions, and the love of girlfriends who have held me up.  I still can't get over how filthy and disorganized Bryan's spaces were.  I can't get over how much work I did to make this easier on Bryan and on Katherine, and how Bryan is still rude to me.  On how Katherine is missing her dad when he's away, and how hard it is to  know how to comfort her; and yet, how well she is doing, and how sweet she is with me.

I'm so very tired, but still, I feel refreshed.  I am so grateful for this new chance at life.  It's an adjustment, but it is my life, and I am grateful for it.


  1. I've been following your blog since April & kept looking for updates almost twice a day since July 1st. So happy to hear you are enjoying your new space & adjusting well to the new life. I have been there, done that just last summer & I'm floored at how similar your experiences are to mine. But now, one year after seperation & almost 6 months after divorce both of us seem to handle the pain much more gracefully, peacefully. Our daughter (preschooler) is away with her dad for summer & he even lets her call me twice a day to give updates or possibly connect on Skype to see each other.
    Keep up the positive attitude & deep dive into the joyful new life!!

  2. Burning sage and ringing bells? (Smiling...) Why not?

    Enjoy every one of these moments of relief!

  3. It is something to smile about, I agree....but somehow, so right and good and true. When relief is offered, I will not turn it away! :-)

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