Friday, July 13, 2012

I could get used to this

Being happy, that is.  I could get used to being happy.

The smallest things have been making me happy.

Sitting around a fire pit with friends drinking wine makes me delirious.
Going through a neglected closet and organizing it makes me conent.
Moving furniture around my home office, feminizing it, gives me pride of ownership.

Bigger things have been making me happy, too.

My job is going better than I hoped for.  I have grand plans, and they are coming true, a bit ahead of schedule.
Balancing my checkbook - and it is balancing! - and knowing that I can handle this makes me secure and calm.

But it's even better than that.

I got an email today from Katherine's counselor to follow up from her meeting with Katherine earlier this week.  She said that my daughter was incredibly resilient.  Actually, what she said was, "I assess that she is positive, resilient and able to adjust with an "I can do it" attitude that is genuine. I know I don't need to tell you this, but your daughter has tremendous strengths and has quite a bright future."

My heart is soaring.  Our child counselor is not known for flowery speeches, and while she's warm and positive, her other communications haven't been like this at all.  I respect her immensely, and she has been a true gift for Katherine.  To hear her assessment -which aligns with what I believe I see, but which is I feared too good to be true - just makes my soul sing.

Writing that last bit makes me tear up.  I want to sit here and just absorb it - it's just so GOOD!

I know I'm doing the right stuff.  I feel it deep in my heart, and I feel the blessing of living with integrity in my every step.

I have a neighbor, an old, old woman who speaks with an undecipherable (to me) eastern European accent.  She has a tattoo, a string of numbers, along the inside of her arm; she hides it, but I have seen it peeking out of her shirtsleeves.  I know she has seen hell, and because of that, I believe she knows a thing or two about life.  Earlier today when I was outside taking out the trash into the alley, she came over to talk to me, and though she doesn't know about the divorce (she really is old, and I know it would trouble her, and she has enough troubles of her own so I don't wish to bother her), she spoke to me today.  She said, "Your daughter is so beautiful, and good.  And you are such a good woman, and so kind, and so beautiful.  The Lord has good things ahead for you, I see it, He has good things in store for you.  You have such a happy future."

A crone's blessing is a blessing I will accept with gratitude.

I believe her.

There are good things ahead for me.  I'm just getting started, and I feel my energy returning.  I am becoming who I am meant to be, and it feels so good that I am downright giddy.  I know all about hard days, and months, and decades.  Yes, I know about that.  But I know joy, too, and I am seizing it.

I could really get used to this.  I don't know how long it will last, and I will not predict that.  I will just enjoy it while it's here.

Katherine and I are watching Netflix "Blue Planet" together, enjoying a treat of take-out so that we can have a down night and just be together.  She's curled up on her favorite beanbag chair, and I'm on the loveseat next to her.  We've been having good adventures, we've been having wonderful times together, but tonight we are having a wonderful time doing nothing but veging.  Usually, I frown at TV and less-than-healthy take-out, but tonight we're both taking a break, enjoying the treat of it.

Wishing you, whereever you are, an internal peace that matches this one.  And if you're struggling today, and you happen to read this, know that I have been in places of deep, deep struggle, too, and not that long ago, and some of that struggle was so dark I felt I could never find the light again.  But here I am, floating with hope, and content in the moment.  If I can find it, you can too.


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